s t a r l i g h t
by xylia89
Summary: What if Jacob had imprinted on Bella the first time he saw her? Before he’d realized what he really was, before he’d understood what werewolfs and imprints really were? What if he had to watch as his one true love fell in love with hers?
1. wolf like me l preface l

s t a r l i g h t

((reviews are appreciated))

each chapter is named after a song and artist that relate to the story

_disclaimer: stephenie meyer is god. _

preface

**WOLF LIKE ME  
-tv on the radio-**

/

It was a feeling like nothing else I'd ever experienced, something so strong it shook me until I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was irreversible, inevitable. But that wasn't the hardest part about it, that I couldn't change it no matter how much I tried, no matter how much I wanted it to disappear. No, the hardest part was that I couldn't tell anyone, it would now and always remain a secret. For the first time in my life I'd have to keep something from my dad. Because I didn't understand, I didn't want anyone to think I was crazy. I was scared to death of the responsibility I'd have to hold. The strength and power I would have to have to be able to push this feeling into a dark corner – so that I wouldn't hurt anyone because I knew that if I spoke the truth everything would change and not for the better. But although it bewildered me beyond belief, deep down I knew exactly what had happened, what had taken over me and although I thought about it over and over, approached it from every twisted angle nothing made sense, nothing added up… except her.


	2. sleeping sickness

s t a r l i g h t

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**SLEEPING SICKNESS  
-city and colour-**

/

The second I saw her on the beach, my world changed. It almost felt like some invisible line had sprung from my chest and attached to hers. So that she would be tied to me in every possible way. Everything about her was beautiful, it didn't matter that others would find her average, she was perfect. I'd faltered just looking at her and once she'd talked to me I knew I'd looked like an idiot. I was so nervous, blushing and stuttering, so afraid that she could see through me at how intense I felt for her. The fact that I'd fallen in love at first sight, that once I'd seen her nothing in my life mattered except for her. My life would be devoted to protecting her, loving her and being by her side. I would be her best friend if she needed one, I would be her anything just so I could be near her. But I wouldn't rush it, I wouldn't tell her how I felt because I would never forgive myself if she left, if I scared her away. No, I would take this slow and in the end we would be together.

"Do you want to take a walk with me?" Bella Swan asked.

I looked around at all the other kids fooling around and laughing at the beach. I didn't know how I'd be alone with her, would I say something stupid? I didn't want to do mess anything up. I caught eyes with Sam Uley and was almost taken aback by his intense stare. He was watching as if he genuinely cared what decision I'd make, like he was interested to watch me leave with her. I shook it off, I was confusing myself, I was being stupid. Why would community hero Sam Uley care what I was doing or who I was talking to? Maybe he just enjoyed people watching.

"Jacob?"

I looked up and was taken aback again by Bella's remarkable beauty, the fact that I was in her presence. I then realized that I hadn't even come close to a decision let alone opening my mouth so I said the first thing that came to my head.

"Yeahsure." It came out so fast it sounded like, "Yashur!" Did I seriously just add a word to the English Language?

She smiled. I felt like taking my hand and smacking my forehead as hard as I could. If it was impossible for me to answer a simple yes or no question without stuttering and making up words, how could I possibly hold a conversation with her, alone? Why was I so nervous? Just because she was older and beautiful and I was a scrawny boy who hadn't so much as held hands with any other girl? Yeahh, that was probably it.

I looked up to see her about five feet away from me walking.

_Stop thinking and MOVE! _

I jogged to catch up, my pulse racing. All I wanted to tell her was that I loved her, that I would never hurt her, that I would be there for her always and forever. That I would protect her from anything that would harm her, that –

"Jacob, what do you know about the Cullens?"

"The Cullens?" I asked startled, lost as to what brought this on.

"Yeah…the Cullens," she said a little bit slower, she laughed and I joined in nervously.

I knew lots of things about the Cullens. I knew lots of rumours and legends and stories. But did I want to tell her? Would I freak her out? Would she think I was a little kid with a stupid imagination? I decided I'd go for it, I intended to tell her everything about me and to learn everything about her.

"Yeah… I know about the Cullens," I smiled as I began to tell her of the Cold Ones.

I wish I'd known then that that was the conversation that changed everything. I wish I'd known so I could've told her to stay away. I wish I could've done anything to stop her, to change her mind but I think she too, like me, never really had a choice.


	3. survive

s t a r l i g h t

**SURVIVE  
rise against**

It had been a couple weeks since I'd seen her last, I thought maybe the feeling would deplete or shrink or lessen. Out of sight, out of mind… but it didn't happen, but absence makes the heart grow fonder, didn't happen either. My feelings stayed the same. She was still my first thought whenever I woke up, the last person in my mind whenever I fell sleep and the only face I saw in my dreams. My feelings hadn't changed but my mood sure had. I missed her, a lot. And it showed. Having Emery and Quil knew me better than I knew myself didn't help.

"So…is it that time of the month or?" Quil asked me as we sat around in my garage figuring out parts for a car I wanted to make.

"Oh, very funny Quil," I replied sarcastically.

"It's okay, Jakey, you don't have to tell me. But isn't it usually about 6 days and not like 3 months?"

"Yeah, cause it's been three months," I replied sarcastically,

"Well time seems to go slower and slower every time we hang out, so that's what it feels like."

"Oh, thanks."

Emery took this time to open his mouth and finally say something: "6 days huh? Someone sure seems to know a lot for having a male reproductive system?"

"Well my favourite subject has always been sex ed," Quil smiled.

"So you've changed it from recess?" I asked. We all started laughing until Emery had to bring it up once again.

"But seriously Jake, what's up?"

I took a deep breath. I had no idea what to tell them. They were my best friends, they did know every thing about me, and still accepted me for exactly who I was... but this was too much, it didn't make any sense and Quil would definitely have a field day. So instead of telling them something that still made no sense to me and giving Quil _another _reason to make stupid jokes I decided to do what I'd have to be doing for a while, or at least until I figured out what the hell was going on.

"Billy and I've been fighting," I lied.

"About what?" Emery asked.

"School," I lied.

"You know if you started cheating off me…" Quil began until I interrupted him, "Then he'd probably wonder how I'd suddenly become mentally disabled."

Quil laughed, "So then what's the problem? I'm doing fine and I don't think I've done anything without copying off you or Emery."

"Define doing fine," I asked.

"You know, passing," Quil answered.

"Yeah well passing isn't good enough for Billy. But it's fine he just told me he'd like to see me doing homework a little more, instead of always being off with you two or in here," I said motioning to the car parts that lay scattered around us.

"Well it's a Saturday night so studying isn't an option."

"What do you mean it's Saturday night? I don't think you've ever even brought your books home on a _weekday_," Emery chuckled.

Quil smiled, "Well the ladies do keep me busy."

"Your mom doesn't count," I replied.

Quil laughed, "Why don't we go to that new movie? I can get my dad to drive us."

"I'm down," Emery said.

_Anything to get my mind off her_.

"Yeah, for sure. I'll just go run and ask Billy," I said as I quickly jogged out of the garage to our little house, "Hey Dad?" I asked as walked over to him where he sat watching the game.

"What's up, Jake?" he asked.

"Can I go to Port Angeles and catch that new horror movie?"

"Sure. Hey, I was just talking to Charlie and Bella's headed off there for her first time with a couple of her friends. Maybe you'll run into her," he said casually as he turned his attention back to the TV screen.

My heart skipped a beat. And then a few more, I could hardly contain myself so I said, "Yeah, Maybe," and I ran out of the house.


	4. runaway

s t a r l i g h t

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**RUNAWAY  
-anberlin-**

/

"Bella and some of her friends are headed to Port Angeles," I exclaimed as I got back to the garage.

Quil and Emery looked up and I realized I shouldn't have said anything as Quil's mouth curled.

"Bella, huh?"

I chose then, stupidly, to get defensive, "Yeah what about her? Billy and her dad are good friends. She's a nice girl, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing," Emery said shooting a glance at Quil that I guess wasn't supposed to see.

"What are her friends like?" Quil asked interested.

"I don't know, I haven't met them. I'm sure they're cool," I replied.

"Then let's do it, I'm tired of all the girls in La Push anyway."

"What makes you think Forks girls want anything to do with you?" Emery asked.

"Come on, they won't be able to resist my charm. Plus I'm mysterious, I'm from another town and they've probably never heard of me. Chicks dig that."

"You're an idiot," Emery replied.

"Kay, I'll call her and see if she wants to go to the movie with us," I said and we all got up and started walking to the house. We walked inside the kitchen and I walked over to the phone and dialed Bella's number. I was happy Emery and Quil didn't take note of it since it might've been weird that I hardly knew her, yet knew her number by heart. I decided that I'd just go and do it quickly so I wouldn't have time to freak myself out and chicken out.

"Hello?" came Charlie's deep voice.

"Hi Charlie, Jacob here. I was just wondering if Bella was home?"

"Oh, hey Jake. I'm sorry you just missed her. She just got picked up and headed to Port Angeles to do some shopping."

"Oh, yeah I was going to see if she wanted to meet up…" I said, once again not thinking before I opened up my stupid mouth.

I could hear Charlie hear how upset I felt and I immediately wished I'd never called, "Oh but I'm sure they'll probably get hungry and have dinner. Port Angeles isn't a big place I'm sure you could run into her and have something to eat?"

"Oh yeah, no that's okay, I just wanted to see – no that's cool. Yeah no that's great… making friends and shopping for stuff, that's good, uh good. Uh…maybe I'll run into her? But yeah, I have to go. I'll uh, talk to you later. Bye," I said and hung up before I said anything else stupid.

"St-st-stutter much?" Quil asked watching me amusedly.

"Shut up. She's already gone, so forget it. Just call your dad and we'll go,"

"Okely dokely!"

Half hour later we were in the car on the way to the movie theater. Emery and Quil we're talking about to Quil's dad about all the parts we'd been collecting for the car but I was lost in my own thoughts. So Bella was going to eat somewhere? There were a couple fast food restaurants…but there were only two sit-down slow restaurants in Port Angeles… and both we're located close to the movie theater. This could workout but I couldn't have Quil or Emery with me, I'd have to get away from them just for a couple minutes. I decided I'd just find her… acting like it was a big coincidence I'd run into her and then I'd ask her out. No, not ask her out. Just see if she wanted a tour of La Push or just to hang out or something. Just as friends. Yeah. That's what I'd do.

"Okay, just call me when you guys are done," Quil's dad said as we all jumped out of the car.

We walked to the movie theater and bought our tickets.

"Hurry! It's already started, we're missing previews!" Emery pleaded as we started a slow jog over to Theater 6.

I didn't remember watching the movie. I couldn't even have told you who the bad and good guys were. I was watching the screen but I wasn't paying attention to anything except the images and colours. The sounds weren't even hitting my ears. All I could feel were my palms sweating. I was going to see her. Tonight.

As much as this feeling was tiring, it was also exciting. Quil had always been the one with girls. He'd get whichever he wanted and then he'd be a jerk dump them for another. He'd pretty much dated every girl in La Push, yet none of them seemed to learn that he really hadn't grown up at all, that he didn't care all that much about them, they all still lined up to date him.

Emery had dated one girl, Jenna. They dated for almost seven months, last year. They were both really young but Emery had taken it really seriously. They'd been really happy. Quil and I had made fun of him a lot, asking when he was going to propose, we thought they'd stay together forever and get married but it all changed when Jenna's dad got a new job, in California. She'd left, Emery had been upset for a while but it was all behind him now. He hadn't dated anyone since but Quil and I both knew he was just waiting for the right girl.

Then there was me, Jacob Black. For some reason my body had decided to ruin my life and not start my growth spurt. So I was still the shortest out of us three. That didn't help in the lady department. But that doesn't mean girls never asked me out or had crushes on me. There were a lot. I went on a couple of dates but most of the time I didn't feel anything. They were nice and we'd become good friends but I never felt the urge to kiss them or touch them. For the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me… that's why when I saw Bella everything changed. It was such a relief to finally have some sort of feeling for a girl. It was such a relief to feel normal, even if the feeling was anything but normal. I needed to see her. Tonight.


	5. hide myself away

s t a r l i g h t

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**HIDE MYSELF AWAY  
-cartel-**

/

"Uh…do you usually like the credits this much?" Quil asked with his eyebrow cocked.

"Oh, uh, sorry. Yeah," I said letting my thoughts disappear. I laughed nervously and Quil and Emery shook their heads as we started walking down the aisle.

"Get your head out of the clouds, Jakey. Bella's wayyy out of our league," Quil said.

I knew that Quil said things to get people annoyed, but really he didn't ever mean to offend Emery or me, even though he did it all the time.

"Shut up, you don't know anything," I snapped.

Quil then turned to look at me, "I was kidding, don't have a hissy fit."

"Well where do you get – "

"Alright, alright. Who needs to take a time out and sit in the corner?" Emery interrupted, "Quil's just jealous he didn't see her first."

Quil shrugged and kept walking. He walked over to a payphone and dialed his dad.

"So, Bella huh?" Emery asked, as Quil talked on the phone. I always hated Emery for being so perceptive.

"Yeah," I said and Emery just nodded. I think he understood exactly what I meant with that one word.

"Alright, he's coming but I told him to meet us at the convenient store down the road. I have the munchies," Quil said as he appeared behind us.

"Sounds good," Emery said and we all walked out of the theater and down the street.

I knew I had to get away from them somehow. We were going the opposite direction of where the two restaurants were. I knew it was kind of late and there was probably a 10 chance I'd run into her but any chance was a chance. I needed an excuse… anything.

"Oh…crap!" I yelled.

Emery and Quil stopped and looked at me, "What?"

"I forgot my wallet," I lied, feeling my wallet nestled safely in my jacket pocket.

"Alright, we'll go with you and find it," Emery said.

"No, no. I'm sure it just fell between my seat. I'll meet you at the convenience store."

"Whatever," Quil said, obviously still pissed I'd snapped at him. It didn't matter though, he'd understand soon enough.

I started walking back and Quil and Emery kept going the other way, they turned a corner and were gone. I then started booking it down past the theater. I then stopped and asked myself what I was doing,

_What are you doing?_

_I don't know. What am I doing?_

I then started sweating. Was I just going to walk into the restaurant alone, to where she and her friends were probably enjoying a good meal and ask her out. Publicly? Or would I ask her to come talk to me for a minute. We'd met like once, why would she even want to talk to me. Was I just going to ask to see her… would it sound friendly or stalkerish? No. I had to stop thinking. Even if I made a fool of myself, seeing her would make it justified. I just wanted to see her smile.

I started walking again and approached the first restaurant. I looked inside the windows, while walking slowly. I saw long dark straight hair and my heart skipped, but as the girl burst out laughing I realized she was a dark Italian. I stopped and looked through the window. Until I realized that there was a couple staring at me like I was an idiot so I smiled awkwardly and walked to the entrance.

"Hi, Welcome. Do you have reservations?" the pretty blonde hostess asked me.

"No, I was just wondering… how I, uh," I said stuttering trying to look around to see her, "How do I make reservations?"

I then looked down at her and realized how stupid I sounded.

"Um, reservations. Well usually you would call and ask and…" she began.

I then realized to my disappointment that Bella was nowhere in sight.

"Yeah, great! Thanks." I said and walked out of the restaurant as quickly as I could.

I began walking to the next restaurant, doubting myself. How stupid was I? They probably already ate and we're headed back home. What was I even thinking? She could be _anywhere_. She could be at home, she could be at her friends. She could've lied and gone to Seattle to shop. She could've –

And then I saw her. Her white skin glowed under the moonlight clashing with her dark hair. And then she was gone, into the entrance of the restaurant.

I began to run, my heart beating so loud I thought that it would punch a hole in my chest. I walked when I approached the windows, I didn't see her at any of the front tables. I opened the door and saw the back of her head.

"Hi there, are you meeting someone?" the little hostess asked me.

I opened my mouth but closed it when I realized what I was seeing.

Bella wasn't alone.

But she wasn't with her friends.

I watched as a tall guy held the small of her back, as they followed a pretty hostess to the back of the restaurant.

_No._

The guy then turned around as if I'd spoken aloud, but I know I hadn't as the hostess was still waiting for a response. And that's when I saw his face.

Edward Cullen.


	6. feel it all

s t a r l i g h t

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**I FEEL IT ALL  
-feist-**

/

I have never felt this way before. I have never wanted anything more in my entire life. It doesn't make sense, it doesn't seem real, I'm in a fairytale, right? It's too intense, it has to be make-believe. It will stop, it will fade…won't it? I am in love. Am I? I can't be. All I know is I want to be with them for the rest of eternity, just that one meeting and my world has changed. I want to feel nothing but their arms, forever. I dream of them every single night and I wake up happy, for the first time in years. It doesn't matter if they are scared to be with me, I will have them in the end. We will be together, I have never felt something so strong, so true. How can I feel like this so soon? It doesn't make sense. I don't feel like some character in a book that you laugh at when they're so blindly infatuated. I'm not infatuated…am I? I can't be… it feels too real. I need them like I need air to breathe. I want our names to be twined together forever just like Romeo and Juliet's…Bella and Edward.  
I am in love with him.


	7. coalmine

s t a r l i g h t

**ALL AROUND ME  
-flyleaf-**

/

s t a r l i g h t

**COALMINE  
-armchair cynics-**

/

As if the feeling I'd experienced wasn't enough, what I felt now was yet another thing I'd never felt before.

I was catatonic. I would be sitting, or lying down or even standing and my vision would blur and all that would appear before my eyes was his hand on her. It was all I saw, all I thought about. And whenever it came my breathing would stop, I would get dizzy and lightheaded and realize that I hadn't taken a breath in minutes.

It'd never been hard to breathe before.

I wanted to forget it. I wanted to forget it forever and never have to remember it. To erase it from my memory. But I knew it would never happen. I knew that forgetting was impossible.

But none of this was the hardest part. Hurting and not being able to breathe wasn't even half of it. The only thing that was killing me, stripping every part of me, was that I was still in love with her. That the fact that she'd been out on a date with another guy didn't change for a second how I felt about her.

Quil would've moved on right away: "She's not even worth my time." And he'd be off to someone new. It wouldn't have even fazed him.

But not Bella. No. Whenever his hand on her didn't interrupt my every thought, I was thinking of her. Still. It'd been one week and still the images and memories did not fade, how I felt did not alter for one second. Not only did it not alter, I didn't get mad. I wanted to be angry and upset at her, I wanted to react the way normal people would. But I couldn't. My body, my mind would not let me react in any other way but my love, my everything for her. I couldn't try to be upset or mad with her, my… whatever was controlling it, would not allow it.

And that's when I knew there was something wrong. That's when I knew that this intense feeling was not normal, at all. It'd been okay at first, love at first sight, maybe that was possible. But the fact that now I was still willing to be there for her, through everything, be her little brother, her best friend, whatever I could, _just _to be in her life… instead of running the opposite direction from the girl who had hurt me like no one else. That wasn't normal. Yes some people got hurt and still loved the person unconditionally, but I didn't want to. I really, really, really, really didn't want to. It was like some force, some… thing, was stopping me from wanting and loving anything else but her.

"Jake, you haven't eaten anything," my dad said which startled me from my confusing thoughts.

"Oh," I said looking down at the green beans, mashed potatoes and steak that lay before me, untouched. My favourite meal, "I'm actually not hungry. I'm going to go work on my car," I said pushing my chair back.

"Sit down, Jake," Billy said gently yet firm.

I sat back down obediently.

"What is going on with you?"

I forced a giant smile, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I may be old but I'm not dumb."

"I'd beg to differ, and you're right, you are old. I think your eyes are going," I said rudely, surprised at myself.

But I wasn't half as surprised as Billy was. He didn't even know how to respond, I don't think I'd ever said a mean thing to him in my life.

"You can go," he said as he turned back to his food.

I opened my mouth to apologize but there was nothing to say. I just got up, walked out the screen door and down to the garage.

As I sat down, I became angry. Too angry. I didn't want to sit in my garage. I needed to do something, anything. I needed to get out, I needed to leave.

I stood up and walked out of the garage and looked at the long dirt road that connected to another and so on. I was going to run. Now.

/

"Jake, you have to get over this. She's apparently attached at the hip with this Cullen kid. Which is bad news," Quil said as we worked under the hood of my car.

"Thanks for telling me but I get enough of the bad news crap from Billy," I replied gruffly.

It had been around a month now and rumors had floated from Charlie's mouth to Billy's ears of Bella's constant attachment to Edward Cullen. It was official, they were dating and apparently she was obsessed. So much that Charlie was worried which in turn had Billy worried. It wasn't bad enough that I loved her and she was with someone else, I had to hear about it constantly from my dad; someone who was completely oblivious to how I felt.

"You know Katie Heart has been asking about you right," Quil asked.

"I don't care," I replied.

"What is wrong with you? She's hot and she's one of the only girls in La Push that hasn't shown in interest in me, which is good for you. Bella is dating Cullen, she doesn't want you. Why are you beating yourself up over it?"

I started to get angry. I dropped the wrench I was holding and it clanged against the toolbox.

"Hey! What's your problem?" Quil asked as he backed away from the car.

"Stop talking about her like that. Like she's just some girl."

Quil looked at me confusedly, "But Jake, she _is _just some girl."

I knew he wasn't trying to be rude. I knew he was trying to understand what my attachment was to some girl I hardly knew. If only I could tell him, if only I could explain. But how can you explain something you don't understand yourself? It was impossible, and I wasn't going to do it.

"You don't understand."

"Seriously, Jake. We're best friends, I mean I've known you since the beginning of the time. But this," he said motioning to me, "I have no idea what this is, who this is. Your not yourself and I don't understand why you're letting it happen over a _some girl._"

I was going to punch him. I was going to punch him. I was going to take my fist and shove it right through his face if he called her 'some girl' one more time. Why was I so angry? He was my _best friend_. I was just as mad at him for how I was reacting but I missed her so much. I didn't know what to do with myself, and not being able to talk to Quil or Emery about it made it even more impossible.

"I'm sorry, I know I'm acting like an idiot."

"Yeah you are," Quil said, almost relieved. I guess he thought he'd gotten through. That I would change now. And God, how I wish I could. I needed to figure this out. I needed to know what was going on with me, why I felt this way and once I did, I'd find out how to reverse it and everything would be okay.

"Come on, let's go get Emery and go biking," I said punching him lightly on the shoulder.

"Cheerleaders are practicing at the school, Katie'll be there," Quil said smiling and winking at me.

I forced a smile back. I didn't want to get involved with Katie, I didn't want to let her down, to lead her on. I didn't want to hurt anyone. But maybe if I gave her a chance… and found out what was going on and fixed it… I could be happy with her? Happy with someone other than Bella Swan. Yes, I had to figure out what was happening to me and stop it. It had to be stopped.

The question was, where did I start?


	8. stories

s t a r l i g h t

((reviews are appreciated))

**STORIES  
-trapt-**

/

Edward.  
Edward.  
Edward.  
Edward.

He was all I thought about. His perfection, his touch, his eyes. Everything.

We'd had a rocky start. He'd saved my life, threatened me a couple times about staying away and then all of a sudden here we were, dating. Holding hands, and kissing for those quick few seconds. I've never had a boyfriend so everything's s new to me. But I trust him, with everything I have. I've met his family and I love each of them as if they were my own, especially Alice.

The weirdest thing is that him being a vampire didn't faze me for a second. I'd known all along there was something different about the Cullens and hearing it made me relieved that I wasn't making up crazy stories in my head. We've been arguing a bit lately, not in a bad way, but just about whether I'll become a vampire or not. He doesn't want to take my soul and I understand but at the same time my human life, my next 80 years with him won't be enough. I want to be with him for eternity, literally. And I'd be willing to give up my family for him, not see Charlie or my mom… I'd sacrifice and change my entire life just to hold his hand. I'm thinking this must be love.

The way he protects me. The way I wake up to him every single morning and fall asleep to him every night, I would even if he wasn't there. His face is burned into my mind, but the fact that he's actually there makes everything that much better. Sleeping isn't even that enjoyable anymore since it's the only time we're ever apart – even though I dream of only him.

He's gone hunting right now, one of the only other times he's away from me.

It's not even that I love him and want him more than anything else here, it's that he feels the same about me. God knows why, with my boring face and mortal ness. He sees something I guess. He says being away from me makes him feel anxious. I am not that big of clutz… am I? He doesn't understand that he wouldn't have to worry about me if I was a vampire. If he'd just transform me he wouldn't have to be so gentle with me, he wouldn't have to be so careful to… kill me. But I'm not sure no matter how much I beg or explain if anything I say will change his mind. But I won't give up.

Charlie likes him… I think. But I think he's a little overprotective. I mean Edward's the most polite and intelligent guy I've ever brought home… well he's been the only guy I've brought home but that's not the point. Charlie thinks that I can't hear him on the phone complaining to Billy about all the time I'm spending with "that Cullen boy". Like it isn't bad enough Edward can read every thought that Charlie thinks. Billy's probably polluting his mind with all that nonsense Jacob was talking about. Yes, maybe they are vampires, but the Cullens would never hurt anyone. It's not fun having your dad's best friend ranting on about your boyfriend being a bad influence, I wonder if Jake agreed with Billy? I wonder if he cared whether I was dating a Cullen or not? Maybe he didn't even know about it. I hadn't seen him in a while, maybe I should take a trip up to La Push the next time Edward's gone.

I looked up at the clock and realized it was close to six. I got up off my bed, pulled off my headphones. I needed to keep busy, only a few more hours till Edward was home but it felt like years. I decided to busy myself with cooking a delicious meal for Charlie, I walked down to the kitchen singing Edward's lullaby.


	9. my heart

s t a r l i g h t

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**MY HEART  
-paramore-**

**/**

"Okay class, listen up. Today we're going to learn about something most of you probably have never heard of," proclaimed Mr. Dominic, or as he liked us to call him Dr. Dominic. I still didn't know why a guy with a pHd would want to teach high school kids.

I continued doodling in my notebook. I hated Billy for making me take a Psychology class a year ahead of me. I didn't know anyone in the class; most of them were stuck up idiots. Billy had said there was no way he was letting me only take construction and computer classes with Emery and Quil. He insisted I become more independent and learn something new. Psychology? Ha, I preferred to use this period as a catch-up on all the sleep I didn't get.

"…no one?" Mr. Dominic said, "No one has heard of imprinting?"

I looked down at my schoolbag, debating whether I should stick one of my headphones in…maybe if I put my hood up... my hair was long enough to cover it.

"Doesn't that have to do with photography?" asked some girl. I knew who it was before I looked up and sure enough I was right, Bridget Fraser, captain of the cheerleading team. I didn't like believing in stereotypes but she didn't fit under any other title except blonde and stupid.

"No, Bridget," Mr. Dominic answered as a couple of people chuckled. Bridget looked proud of herself, "I think you're thinking of… prints? Maybe. No imprinting is _very _different."

I looked up at the clock. Twenty-five minutes? What the hell was I going to do for twenty five minutes? Maybe I could drop this class and switch into Emery and Quil's shop class…Charlie would definitely notice, maybe if I got Emery to work some magic on the computer and Photoshop my report card...

"Isn't it kind of like love at first sight?" came a voice.

I stopped thinking and looked up. Love at first sight? I looked around to see where the words had come from.

"Ah, how I love new students. They don't know anyone so they believe they won't be embarrassed by acting with some intelligence!" Mr. Dominic said. I looked over at the girl who started to blush subtly at the top of her cheeks.

She was definitely new. Our school wasn't that big, I didn't know and talk to everyone but I recognized almost all the students. Newcomers were rare, La Push wasn't exactly the coolest place to move to. She was pretty. She looked a bit taller than me, with long blonde hair that was tied back and big green eyes illuminated by giant dark eyelashes. She had a tiny nose and a big mouth, her skin seemed very clear. It was hard to tell her body type since she had a giant sweater on that read: VARSITY SOCCER.

"But yes, Allison, is it?"

"Yeah," she said quietly.

"You are on the right track. Imprinting is the process where an animal learns the characteristics of a mate, either desirable or just a parent. Usually this means them being attached at the hip, following them around."

I began to listen more closely.

"It's not always falling in love at first sight per say. Some animals, like ducks and birds, have been known to do it with parents. Some that have lost their parents have been taken in by people and when they first open there eyes they imprint on their owner. Imitating everything they do, being there every second."

The class started to murmur. Girls were making "oh that's so cute!" noises.

"But often sexual imprinting is also common. Some come into it after they've grown up and decide to use their parental object as a sexual object. So some animals have been seen trying to mate with that person."

This had a bunch of the people in class laughing. But I wasn't saying a word, I was hardly breathing.

"One of my psychology teachers at my old school said that when an animal imprints it's like falling in love I guess. A lot of the time to get the class interested he tried to explain all the things that happened to animals in human terms," Allison interrupted politely, "Like after this animal saw whatever it imprinted on, it's all it thought about. It's all it wanted to be, or be with. It was everything to them and there life became devoted to this object, or this animal or this person."

"That's a very interesting interpretation of it. I should take your teacher's methods, maybe then people would start paying attention."

"Can imprinting ever happen on humans," I asked before I'd realized I'd opened my mouth. There were a couple chuckles and titters around the class and I understood why, it was a stupid question plus I don't think I'd spoken a word once in the class, but I didn't care.

Mr. Dominic looked just as surprised, "Well Mr. Black, imprinting is a unit mostly studied in the animal kingdom. I, myself, with all my years of school, have never heard of an instance where a human _imprinted _on another human. But this world never ceases to amaze me, I wouldn't see it as impossible," he replied, looking proud of himself, having gotten a student to ask an interesting question. He then turned the page in the textbook looking for a new topic.

"Can it be stopped?" I asked loudly.

"Sorry?" Mr. Dominic said looking up.

"Once you've imprinted. Is there anyway to stop it? To… un-imprint?"

Mr. Dominic looked a little confused, "Uh, from what I have heard and learned in my years… 'un-imprinting' as you call it isn't a usual occurrence. Often the animal devotes it's entire life to this thing, nothing else is really an option. Even if the human is consistently pushing it away, the animal continues to try and mate and try and mate and so on, until it happens."

"And when it doesn't?"

"I'm not sure that it does. I don't think it ever goes away. It's a part of the genetic make-up. In one of the Science Magazines I subscribe to it was stated that in some chicks," the class tittered again. Mr. Dominic took a deep breath, "As in chickens, well they were reported to have biomedical changes in their brains after imprinting, meaning it was irreversible."

The bell rang. Sending everyone into a frenzy to get out of the class and head home.

But I didn't move. I sat in my desk, letting the words run through my head.

Irreversible.  
Irreversible.  
I don't think it ever goes away.  
Irreversible.

I heard a throat being cleared and looked up to see Mr. Dominic staring at me and motioning towards Allison.

"Would you mind letting Ms. Dawson and I talk about the work she has missed?"

I shook my head, grabbed my books, through my bag over my shoulder and walked quickly out of the classroom. I decided not to head to my locker, as Emery and Quil's were located right beside mine. I went in the opposite direction down the West Wing of our school and took the backdoors. As I opened the doors I began to sprint to the forest behind the football field.

I was panting when I stopped. I helplessly let my bag and books drop to the forest ground as I slid down against a tree and put my hands in my face. So it was settled, I'd imprinted on Bella. I had _imprinted _on a _human_. It couldn't be, it was impossible. Well it wasn't impossible, but it's never been heard of before and although Mr. Dominic was weird, he was smart.

Irreversible.

I had to have imprinted. Every word that was coming from Allison's mouth made sense, every word she spoke sounded like she was saying them to make fun of me. I had imprinted.

So my problem wasn't some easy thing I could just fix. No something had changed in me, and it wouldn't ever be the same.

I wouldn't tell anyone this. No. I couldn't.

What was wrong with me?

I heard a crack of branches and looked around to see where the noise had come from.

Sam Uley stood twenty yards away staring at me. I quickly grabbed my books and bag and ran out of the forest back to the school.

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	10. the thief

THE THIEF

**THE THIEF  
lrelient kl**

I saw Bella a month or so ago, before I'd figured out everything. Billy and I had gone up to Charlie's so that Billy could put some more superstitions in his head while I had to talk to Bella awkwardly. I'd acted like I hadn't known her and Edward were dating, I didn't want her to think I was some stalkerish kid. I knew she'd been offended, I'd just wanted to disappear. 

It'd been two weeks since I'd figured our what was wrong with me. Two weeks for me to research imprinting and come to the realization that it couldn't be changed. One night I stayed up so late searching everything I could on the internet that I decided to go see Bella, and explain everything to her. She was sweet and loving and accepting, she'd understand, she wouldn't think I was crazy, maybe she'd even help me. I just needed my last image of her to be anything but Edward Cullen's hand on her. It was ripping me apart.

I was in love with her, I would do anything for her. Yet she chose to be with someone else. I had never come clean though, had I? I'd never asked her out, I'd never even asked to hang out, so really I'd dug my own grave. But at the same time maybe if I'd asked I would've been rejected and that would've left me feeling even worse, although worse than how I felt now seemed next to impossible. The constant badgering in my head was enough to drive me insane, so I went outside as the sun came up and biked to Bella's house. I knew I'd catch her before she was going to school, hers started a two hours before mine, and I'd just explain everything, or I would tell her that I wanted to date… or something. I would tell her something that could change this, change me. So I didn't feel empty all the time.

Edward and her couldn't be that serious. None of the teenage relationships lasted long at my high school. Guys and girls were dumping each other left, right and center. No one loved anyone. It drove me nuts that all these people treated love and relationships like they meant nothing when really it was the most powerful thing in my body. I wanted to yell at them half the time for being so ignorant and yet I wanted to be them because I wish I could be ignorant and normal. But I wasn't.

It took me a while to get to Bella's house and I'd stopped a good thirty yards away and taken cover by some of the bushes on the side road, looking at her house. Going over what I was going to say, even though I still had no idea. Her truck was still there and Charlie's cop car was gone, which meant she was alone. All I needed to do was walk up and just talk to her. I had to, rejection would suck but at least I wouldn't spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been. Just as I put my heel on my pedal, I stopped at something in the corner of my eye.

I turned to see a car come racing down the street, completely silent. I wandered where they were going so early in the morning. Not many houses were down here and if you continued straight not much was there except for fields, the forest and La Push. I waited as it approached and saw that it was a Volvo. It began to slow down until it turned into Bella's laneway.

I stood awestruck. Who would be coming to her house this early in the morning? It must be someone for Charlie, they'd be upset they'd just missed him. The car stopped and the door opened followed by Edward Cullen.

The door of the house then opened and Bella came running out, beaming like I'd never seen her before. There was an glowing aura around her, like she couldn't be touched or bothered by anyone else than who she was smiling at. She then stopped right in front of him, her smile ear to ear and I could see Edward's shoulders shake as he chuckled. I then watched as she stood on her tippy toes to touch his lips. It was only for a brief second yet I felt compelled to look away, because it was so intimate. It all became very hard to see. I watched as she walked around the car saying words I couldn't hear but the smile never left her face as she disappeared within the tinted windowed car. By now my vision was gone, I couldn't see anything.

I looked down and everything else was blurred. I then saw that my jeans had droplets of water on them. I touched my eyes and realized that tears had formed and dropped. I wiped them angrily. Why was I crying? I repeated angrily to myself.

I then put my foot to the pedal and went out onto the road. I biked as hard as I could. Pushing my legs until I thought they'd fall off. I pushed so I could feel nothing but the pain that began to grow so strong I was numb. And I was okay, numb. I never wanted to feel a thing again. I never wanted anything. And I hated myself for saying that because it was a lie, it wasn't true I'd never want anything, I'd always want her. I refused to think of her so I pumped my legs harder and harder. Don't think, be numb. Be numb. Please be numb.

Even though my eyes were watering from the speed I was going at I knew that the water wasn't only from the wind, I could feel my chest begin to sob, which in turn made me angry until I realized that there was no anger. Because I loved Bella, I loved her and as much as it broke my heart to see her love someone else, I would want her to be with whoever she wanted, to be happy. I would want nothing but her to wake up smiling. And if being with Edw

I choked on the word.

And if being with Edward gave her that, than she should have it. Never mind the broken pieces I would have to collect.

I continued biking and praised that my eyes finally grew clearer as I slowed down until

"HEY! WATCH OUT!" I heard a voice. And before I know it I was slamming on my breaks and flying through the air. Since when were people around these abandoned streets in the morning?

"Oh my god, are you okay?"

I got up, wincing at my cut palms and ripped knees. I looked up to see the person I least expected, Allison.

"Jacob, right?"

I nodded, standing up.

I realized then that I was in fact the same height as her, if not taller, I had grown a couple inches over the past couple months that I guess I still wasn't giving myself credit for.

"I'm sorry I yelled, I just didn't know if you saw me running."

I didn't say anything. It was lucky she yelled, I was never really aware of what I was doing anymore. My mind was constantly full of thoughts of imprinting and lying and Bella… and Edward.

"Hey, let me take a look at your hands," she said coming closer to me.

I let her touch them and was surprised at the warmth that filled my body. I hadn't been touched by anyone in a while.

"It's okay, I'll be fine," I said trying to sound polite.

"Do you usually bike this early in the morning?" she asked taking in my bike lying a couple feet behind me.

I looked at her and realized that she was going on a morning jog. Her hair was tied back in a pony tail and she was wearing an oversized t-shirt and a pair of shorts. Now that she was up close I could tell her body type. She had skinny, nice legs and even though once again she was covered in a baggy top I could tell she was probably nice looking there too.

"Yeah, I love being out here this early. No one else ever is," I said not sure if I was making sense.

She smiled, "Yeah I know what you mean. I did a lot of sports back home…but most of them already started out here. So I'm doing this as a kind of substitute I guess."

"That's sweet," I said smiling back, little did she know it was empty. I was empty.

"Hey, did you want to go get some breakfast or something?" she asked hopefully.

I didn't know what to say. I was exhausted. I hadn't slept all night, I'd gone to find Bella, the love of my life, kissing another guy. All in all, it wasn't a good start to the day and personally I would love to just complete the rest of it by staying home sick and playing Playstation. But instead I settled for, "I don't have my wallet,"

"That's okay," she smiled, "Come back to my house and I'll make you some eggs and bacon."

I looked at her. She was smiling on the outside, but I could tell she was lonely. Something about her eyes made her seem like she was just reaching out for anyone, anything. Like the light that went in got lost somewhere, and never came out. After being so lonely for months I'd come accustomed to reading people and looking at her I thought that maybe she was just like me, just as empty. So instead of coming up with some excuse I smiled and said, "Sure, that sounds great."

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	11. hiding

Hiding

**Hiding  
-meiko- **

Prom at Bella's high school is coming up. It's been months and months and she's still dating Edward, I've accepted it. Unwillingly, but I have. Billy is in hysterics, I know he doesn't like the Cullens, he's worried about Charlie and Bella. I know he won't tell Charlie _about _the Cullens, but he's constantly ranting to me about how dangerous it is for her to date him, how him and his La Push friends are going to keep watch. It all confuses me; I just ignore him most of the time.

But now he's thrown me an ultimatum, he's willing to pay for an expensive part for the car I'm restoring if I go to the Prom and warn Bella. I said no the first fifty times, but now working on my car (and not having a job) is making it impossible not to want him to pay for it. Putting all my frustration and time into this car calms me down, I need to finish it, I think maybe it'll complete me in a way that she never will. Fill a void of some sort maybe. Wow I sound like a poet. I'm embarrassed to go, oh my god I'm embarrassed to go. I want to see her, all dressed up and beautiful, but I know she will be there with him. He's the one she wants to spend the night with; not me, never me.

But I agreed to Billy. I'm just wearing a long sleeve shirt with a tie, too bad. Maybe it'll all turn out okay. Hell, what am I saying; nothing will turn out okay. I'm going to see her, I'm going to fall in love with her all over again just like I always do and she's going to saunter off into the sunset riding on a white horse with Edward Cullen.

Edward Cullen. The name was making me gag. Maybe Billy was rubbing off on me.

Well here goes nothing.

So I went. I showed up at the Prom and waited by the entrance searching for Bella, I wash hoping that maybe she wouldn't even go. She didn't seem like the type of person who enjoyed getting all dressed up and going dancing, maybe I didn't know her very well but I knew she wasn't the most graceful person I met. I kept looking and was about to head out the door when I spotted her.

I caught my breath. She looked stunning. I just wanted to stand here all night and stare at her in her dress.

But of course Edward was there, holding her like she was breakable as she danced on his feet.

_Just talk, and get it over with. Cullens are bad. Break up with your boyfriend. Oh my god this is stupid. New car part. New car part. New car part. Billy made me do this. Baah._

Edward looked up immediately and I quickly dodged his eyes. How did he always spot me? Maybe he didn't…I saw him whispering in her ear and Bella looked up to see me. Damn, he had seen me.

I then started walking over and began what was to be the most humiliating conversation of my life: "Hey Bella. I was hoping you'd be here," I asked smiling nervously.

"Hi, Jacob. What's up?" she said smiling back.

"Can I cut in?" I asked, looking at Edward for the first time. I was now the same height as him. So Ha! He moved away expressionless. I said thanks and he nodded. I took Bella's hand and we began dancing awkwardly, I hardly knew how to dance and it was obvious she didn't either.

Bella started asking me about my height and I replied politely telling her I'd been eating my vegetables and such. I just wanted to tell her why I came here and leave. And then she asked politely what I'd come here so I replied that Billy paid me, she nodded not looking surprised.

Then she asked if I saw anything I liked, looking at a group of girls that held no interest for me. I looked at her and blurted out yes, but she was taken. She looked at me and I blushed. I cant believe I'd said it out loud. I tried to make it less awkward by telling her she looked really pretty but the tension hadn't disappeared. But she quickly brought up why I was there and I knew my face fell. I didn't want to say it.

I then spit it out. That Billy had offered to pay for my master cylinder if I'd just come. I stopped, no this wasn't worth it, I wasn't going to do it. She then said to stop being silly, that she wanted me to finish the car, of course she was being nice; because she had absolutely no idea what I was going to say. So I closed my eyes and quickly said that Billy had told me to ask her to break up with Edward, I added the "please" Billy said I had to say.

I then watched her face get angry and my heart started breaking. I wasn't' going to say another word. Deep down I'd wish she'd look at me and just agree smiling. Maybe we'd leave together holding hands. Wishful, wishful, wishful thinking. She was in _love _with him, I could see that now. It broke my heart how upset she looked, even worse that I was the one doing it, I was the one making her upset. This wasn't fair. What was so captivating about him anyway? Argh. I knew I was started to get frustrated, aka I'd start saying stupid things. I decided I'd just leave. I'd get the money some other way but she stopped me asking me to say the rest. So I spoke:

"Billy told me to warn you. He said, that _we'll_ be watching," I said knowing my face was turning red. She laughed and I felt even more stupid, she apologized for me having to come do this. I didn't say anything. I looked at her shaking her head and laughing and although I'd never been so mortified; it was without a doubt worth it just to see her again. She looked absolutely beautiful.

I asked her if she needed help or wanted to dance, trying to make this any less uncomfortable. Edward appeared out of nowhere saying something I hardly remembered. All I know is that it was obvious he wanted me gone. I flinched and stared at him.

I quickly said bye and that I'd see her later. I think I apologized too, all I know is I got out of the gym as fast as I could.

But as I walked to the car I saw _her_, and the blood came rushing back to my cold, numb hands. I started breathing again.

Allison stood up against the front of her truck. I walked over and she hugged me and for the first time in a while, I felt okay.

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	12. wonderwall

Hiding

**Wonderwall**

**-cat power-**

I'd met Allison, or almost crashed into her about two months before I'd gone to Bella's prom.

I'd gone to her house for breakfast and had learned many things in the little time I spent there.

She was an only child.

She was two years older than me, though she was only a year ahead of me in school.

She'd moved here from California for her dad's work at a local lumber yard. He was never home.

Her mom was really nice, but apparently she was asleep most of the time.

And one of the things I learned about her was that she was really, really great. She had a way of making me feel completely at home, and comfortable even though we'd just met.

She was carefree and outgoing. She was just somebody that was fun to be around, she lit up every room she walked into. She made jokes about everything and I couldn't stop smiling most of the time that I was with her. She seemed optimistic and positive, but there was still something bugging me about her eyes. That sometimes when she smiled it didn't reach them and that sometimes she would go in a daze and come back looking like she'd just seen a ghost. I noticed it so soon because I knew it so well, I did it all the time.

After that morning, she'd sat with Quil and Emery and me at lunch. And of course they'd all gotten along great and we'd kept eating together ever since. Quil knew she was off limits, even though I never said a word.

She'd come over and talk to me while I worked on the car. Or we'd watch movies together. We'd just hang out, just us two or the four of us. There wasn't sexual tension, there wasn't awkwardness. It was just… nice. We'd known she was special when we'd decided to invite her over for one of our "Guy Nights."

"Okay, that's it, that's absolutely it," she'd said one day, throwing her hand of cards down during a poker match Quil, Emery and I were having with her.

Quil peered down at her. He was dressed in a black button up shirt that was unbuttoned way too low, he had tons of rings on that he'd probably stolen from his mom and his hair was full of all this greasey gunk. But we all looked pretty stupid. It'd been tradition to create a character the first time Quil had gotten a Texas Hold 'Em Poker Set. We'd made our identities and stuck to them. I was dressed in all black with a bandana around my face, with only holes for my mouth and eyes while Emery had knum-chucks and a headband around his forehead.

"What seems to be the problem, Ms. Canara?" asked Emery.

We also always made up names for ourselves. I was "The Burglar". Emery was Wong Tong John. Quil was Tony Italiano. And Allison had decided on Vanessa Canara from England.

"It seems," she began in her fake English accent, "That you all know how to play poker very well, you… wankers!"

"Eh badda boom badda bing," Quil replied. For some reason he thought this was Italian, and it was the only sentence he ever spoke until the game was done.

"I don't think so, we're average, I just think you're awful," I said staring at her through my holes.

She laughed. She was wearing some type of dress, high cut in the front and low in the back, with heels. We'd told her it was a costume party and she'd decided to come up as a nice looking English woman.

"We're going to go do something else, and I'll just have to kick your asses at _that_," she said smiling.

"Eh badda boom badda bing."

"I really don't think that's appropriate language for a proper woman like yourself," Emery said in an accent, that really didn't sound like anything.

"Soccer. Let's go," she said getting up and throwing off her heels. She walked to the back of the garage fishing through my baseball bats, balls, gloves and helmets. She pulled out a dirty old soccer ball, "Come on lad!."

I'd known then, and Emery and Quil agreed that she was an awesome girl. We'd been playing poker together for almost four years and we'd never invited anyone to join our circle.

Allison put me in a good mood. My dad noticed that whenever she was around I was all smiles and jokes, I was who I used to be. She brought the best out in me. I knew there were still parts of her missing, she was a puzzle I was trying to piece together and I waited with time to hear everything about her. But for the first time in a long time, I forgot about Bella, not for long, but still for tiny moments. I understood now that she loved Edward, and I would have to accept it, I'd be there for her as a friend if she needed me, I had to be.

I hadn't told her much about Bella. I didn't want to scare her away. Telling her I'd imprinted on Bella would probably leave her to think that I was a freak. Instead I told her that I'd liked Bella for a bit when I'd met her, that she was a family friend and that she'd started dating someone else. I told her how Billy didn't approve and that's why when I told her about going to her Prom she offered to drive me.

"You don't have to drive me," I replied.

"Jake, it's going to be hard. I'll be there to give you a high five and then we can go joyriding to the video store and rent some Mounty Pythons," she said smiling at me.

I looked up at her and smiled, "I'm a big boy now, Mrs. Dawson."

She laughed, "Just because you've grown thirty feet doesn't mean you're a big boy…well it does but I think you still have the mentality of a four year old. And Mrs. Dawson? Who am I married to Mr. Black?"

"Me, obviously," I joked and she smiled but it didn't touch her eyes.

For a moment, the faraway, lost look in her eyes appeared but she snapped back to reality so quick I almost missed it, "You know I _do _have standards," she quipped.

I smiled back, forcing myself not to open my mouth. To ask her, about… well everything.

Other than the moments where she disappeared from me while being right in front of me, we were kids all the time. I used to think that girls and boys couldn't be _just _friends, but with Allison there was never the feeling that one liked the other more; like it was with Bella and me. I would always love Bella, but Allison made me happy. I tried not to look into it all too much. I just wanted it to stay the way it was.

I started to try and avoid Bella and all thoughts of her. Whenever Billy was on the phone I left the room, I knew most of the time he was talking to Charlie and I didn't want to get involved anymore.

One night when I was at Allison's watching TV and eating a whole package of chocolate chip cookies, she stopped and finally, her heart opened. and she told me why the light often disappeared through her green eyes.

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	13. apologies

APOLOGIES

**APOLOGIES  
-grace potter & the nocturnals-**

"Jake…"

"Yeah?" I asked, my mouth still full of cookies.

"Back home I dated this guy for four years," she said looking down at her nails.

I swallowed my food, cleared my throat, grabbed the converter and turned the TV down. I didn't know what to say so I just looked at her and waited for her to continue.

"Matthew Angeles," she said, a small, sad smile appearing quietly underneath the long, blonde hair that covered her face, "I was in love with him."

A couple seconds passed as she took a deep in take of breath and looked up at me, her eyes were watering, "I've never told anyone this… I just…you're…"

"I know," I said understanding that words didn't really explain our relationship.

"He was everything to me, he was my first everything. I met him at a soccer camp when we were both facilitators. I was still in training and I remember my very first day I was teaching my group of kids how to chip a ball…I was so nervous. And the first time I demonstrated for them it went flew right into the back of his head," she smiled to herself, keeping her eyes down, "And he turned around and saw me and I was so embarrassed. He then walked over, looked at the kids and then me and said that the only way he'd forgive me is if I went to dinner with him. I thought he was joking, at our age kids didn't ask each other out to dinner, but he looked at me seriously and I said yes, all the kids were giggling but the way he looked at me, it all kind of just got quiet. From then on, we were inseparable. I'm two years older than you… you've probably always wandered why. I failed grade eleven the first time around…" she took an intake of breath and I put my hand on hers.

"We were so young, he was a year older. No one believed in us at all…but after the three year mark, they started to. We weren't on and off, we didn't take breaks and we didn't fight all the time, we were just… made for each other. I loved him more than anything else in this world. We talked about where we'd go to college, he decided he'd stay in California until I graduated high school and we'd figure where we'd go from there… we talked about places we could live, if we'd get married…"

She stopped talking for several minutes as silent tears escaped her eyes. I was about to ask what happened but she began speaking again.

"One night, on my seventeenth birthday and our four year anniversary he took me to a mountain and we watched the sunset on an old picnic table. He told me he didn't have to be any older to know that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, that there was no one else that he wanted beside him forever, that he wanted to grow old together. And then got down on one knee and proposed to me."

I felt something hurting in my chest. I didn't know where the story was going, but I knew something bad had happened – why else would she be here with me? All I knew is that I wanted to make her stop hurting; I wanted her to smile again. I wanted to know what happened.

"On the drive home he had one hand on the steering wheel and one holding my hand on my knee and we were just talking and giggling to ourselves. I kept staring at my engagement ring and kissing his cheek… I wasn't paying attention to the road at all, I know he was but I was just so excited… I was distracting him. It was late, and there was a big high school house party going on down the road… someone had gotten a pair of keys and was driving angry and drunk. All I remember is looking up and seeing them go through a red light and screaming… it all went black from there."

I squeezed her hand a little tighter and sat a little closer to her.

"I woke up in the hospital three days later. I didn't see my ring on my finger and thought it was all a dream until I looked at my bedside table and saw it there and it all came flashing back, the proposal, the red light, the screams. The nurses came in followed by my mom and dad. My mom burst out in tears and hugged and kissed me. I loved them but there was only one person I wanted to walk through the door…My mom saw me looking and looked at me and whispered, "Oh, honey," I ignored her. There was no sound, not even a buzz. I just kept my eyes fixed on the door, waiting... until the words came through. 'Allison, he didn't make it to the hospital…' I had just looked at her, unable to say anything but, 'No, you're lying.'

"He died a couple minutes after the ambulances came. The last words he said were, tell Allison Angeles I love her… and he was, gone," Allison stopped and looked at me and I knew I should've adjusted my face but my eyes were wide. I had never expected the broken ending she'd given me. She smiled a tiny smile, "It's okay, Jake. I know this is hard to hear."

"Not as hard as it must be to say, to have experienced," I said still in shock. I was still holding her hand, and I didn't want to let go, scared she'd fall apart the second I wasn't holding her together.

"My birthday's in late May, so school had had just ended. In September, he would've gone into grade twelve… I was going into grade eleven. I was the talk of the town, everywhere I went I was met with eyes full of pity. It was hard; because I often tried not think about it, but there eyes and silent words brought it to life every time I left the house. I couldn't concentrate in class, I usually lasted about twenty minutes or so before I'd walk out and go home to cry. I wore the ring he gave me for the entire year… I didn't talk to many people, I was angry at almost everyone since the majority of them had been at the party… and the kid who hit us got messed in the head, he's in rehab now. I had two friends that took care of me; I wouldn't be here without them. I ended up failing the year; I didn't play soccer for the team. I was a mess and that's when my dad started looking for jobs elsewhere, he knew we had to get out of there, my mom begged him. It took us a while so my mom started home schooling me and I learned a fair bit, I guess, but I think she was different ever since the accident… I mean I wasn't, myself and I was rude and irritable and crying and I don't think she handled it very well, even after it was over. She spends most of her time in her room. We waited for my dad to get a job and he finally did, here. So he left the job he loved for the one here. They talked to all the teachers and they were very understanding with transferring credits so it's okay I came this late… I took the ring off when we left… I left it with his parents in California."

"I don't know what to say," I replied.

"I just… I just felt like telling someone. It's been over a year since I've said his name. His parents were very careful when I came over; which I did a lot. They were my second family, there were photos but they never mentioned him at the table, which I know hurt them, but I couldn't take it. I just… he was my only one. I believe in monogamy, and that there's only one person for every person, one soul mate. And I know, he was mine. I know he was put on this earth just for me," she said, her voice slowly cracking up.

"I'm sorry," I said feeling stupid, she probably hated hearing that.

"It's okay… I mean at least I got to experience it. Some people go through their entire lives not experiencing love, or love at first sight, any of that. I should be grateful for the time I did have with him."

"He's probably looking down on you right now, smiling at how strong and amazing you are," I said, trying to keep myself composed.

She nodded and looked down and whispered quietly, "I miss him… so much," she said her voice choking.

I moved closer to her and put my arms around her. She cried into my shoulder. So Allison was broken, just like me. She was beautiful, yet dysfunctional. I held her and felt at home. I don't think I'd ever be able to fall _in_ love, but I didn't mean I couldn't love her.

I passed up Allison's offer to drive me home when it became late. We'd gone on watching some TV shows and the mood had changed immediately backed to light. I was amazed at how we could do that, how one second she could be crying, pouring herself to me and the next she could be doing an impression of some actor and have me laughing my ass off. The comfort I felt with her was, well amazing. I was sad, yet I smiled as I walked home. I felt so much closer to her and I was so happy that she'd trusted me with something so big. I felt like it was my obligation to protect her; even though there was still the voice in my head telling me I had someone else that I needed to protect.

I walked through the door smiling but stopped immediately when I saw Billy's face.

"What happened?" I asked, all thoughts leaving except Billy's worried expression.

"Sam Uley just found Bella in the woods," he replied.

I didn't know what to think. A million emotions and thoughts were rolling around in my head and I couldn't pinpoint just one. I looked up at him for more clarification, for something and he spoke.

"The Cullens are gone."

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	14. hometown glory

Hometown glory

**Hometown Glory  
-adele-**

I didn't leave my room. Not for three days. I wasn't hungry, I didn't lift the blinds, I hadn't looked outside. I'd been cornered by my four walls. Billy had told everyone, mostly Allison, that I was sick. And I was.

I'd thrown up for two hours alone in the bathroom, after my dad had explained.

"What do you mean they're gone?" I'd asked my voice shaking. Not from excitement, I mean this was my dream come true right? No. My voice was shaking from anger. How dare he do this to her?

"Charlie had no idea where she was, lucky she left a note. Sam found Bella… curled up in a ball. Just talking to her self whispering he's gone, he's gone, he's gone. She was in a state Jake. I've never heard Charlie so upset."

"Why are you telling me this!" I said getting even angrier.

Billy looked confused, "You know Bella, don't you? I thought, I thought you'd – "

"No you didn't think. I don't _care_," I said screaming. I was lying, God I was lying. But I was hurting, everywhere. I was so sore. I just wanted to stop hurting, the yelling would numb it, it had to right?

"Jake I just – "

"Leave it alone!" I yelled slamming my fist down, rattling all the plates on the table.

"She's okay. If that's what you're thinking. Charlie sent the doctors away, she won't be hospitalized. She's going to be just fine, just in shock," Billy said quickly, trying to fit as many words he could before my next big blow out.

I looked at him and prayed that he'd see what was behind my eyes.

_I was fine._

_I was okay._

_Things were starting to be okay._

But he was looking down, so I blinked my eyes and it was gone. All that filled them was black, and anger. How could he do this to her?

I ran up the stairs to my room and shut my door.

And here I was. Still lying down, after three days. I felt broken. I didn't know what to do. Bella was hurting, God she must be hurting and I was doing nothing but lying here. I was so confused, I was so lost for answers but nothing was making sense. My mind was confusing everything. I was so lost.

I loved Bella and she was dying. Charlie had called Billy multiple times in hysterics, every time the phone rang I'd opened my door a crack to listen. And after each call I'd wish I hadn't.

I couldn't do anything. What could I do? I was so afraid to see her, I was a coward. If I felt like this, so lifeless, so dead when I'd only _heard _she was hurt, how would I feel to actually _see _her? It wasn't fair, I was a bastard. But I was scared to feel any more pain than what I was feeling right now. I felt like my own heart had been ripped open, I didn't understand. I should be upset but why, why did it hurt this much?

_You imprinted. _

I refused to believe that nonsense anymore. I didn't want to. I just wanted to be normal. I just wanted everything to go back to the way it was. Last week Allison, Emery, Quil and I were just sitting on a bench watching people go by and making up stories. Allison said she used to play it all the time back home. You'd see a person and you'd make up there supposed life. A short, skinny guy walked by in a bright yellow coloured shirt.

"Porn addict," Allison had said immediately.

"What?" all three of us had explained at the same time.

"Oh yeah, he's got porn addict written all over him. His name's Henry Millson. He's got three cats at home, Miles, Minky and Francesca. He's an only child. He works at a Pet Store and steals cat treats and toys. His favourite flavour of ice cream is Mint Chocolate Chip."

Then we'd all laugh, add on jokes and laugh some more. Then we'd see someone else and it would start all over again.

I smiled. It felt weird on my face. I couldn't remember when I'd even moved my mouth. I missed it. So much. I'd been normal.

I knew now that there was something special about me. Maybe not special, but different. I wasn't like other kids, as often as you heard that in comic book adventures. But I wasn't. There was something in me, just screaming to come out, just waiting for that window to open so it could jump out and knock me out cold, until there was nothing left of what was me.

I was scared.

I jumped at a knock on my door.

"You have a visitor," Billy's voice said through the door.

"I told you no visi –" I shouted but stopped when I saw Allison walk through the threshold.

"Jake," she said and I looked at her.

The thing was it was nice to see her, it really was. But now that the gap had been opened, now that Bella's name had been brought up and now that it had hit my surface, there was nothing else. Nothing else mattered, nothing else came close. The fact was that I didn't want to see anyone but her, think about anything other than her and be near anyone but her. Allison did not matter to me at this moment, and that killed me.

"What do you want?" I said angrily. So angry. I hated myself for the feelings that took over me, that came and went without explanation. Just fucked up my life.

She looked taken aback, "I just wanted to see how you were. Quil and Emery said to just leave it. But I'm not a guy, I can't just leave things. I came to see – "

"You came to see me and now you saw me," I said coldly. I just needed her to leave. I needed her to get away from me. All I would do was hurt her, I was a monster. Bella was alone and I just wanted her, I just wanted to comfort her. Everyone else should just leave me alone because I didn't care about them even if they were hurting, Allison was hurting because of _me_. I didn't want to hurt anyone, why did I feel like this?

"What is wrong with you?" she asked not offended by my angry words.

"Absolutely nothing," I replied.

"You think you can just not show up at school and no one would notice? I'm not stupid. I know _you, _why don't you just tell me what the hell is going on?"

"I'm fucking sick!" I yelled.

"You're not fucking sick!" she yelled back.

"You know me, huh?" I said standing up. I was a couple feet away from her but she stood her ground even though I was a good foot taller than her, "You _know _me?" I said getting closer, and she slowly started to inch back, "You don't fucking know me. You don't know anything about me!" I screamed.

And although she knew me, she didn't. No one did. I could never tell anyone the truth.

"Why are you doing this," she whispered. I looked in her eyes and knew my eyes would soon match hers. They were searching, lost, loving. She cared about me. I kept staring at her as her eyes began to water, maybe I could tell her. Tell her that I'd experienced what she had. That my one true love had decided to love someone else, be with someone else, sure she was alive but at times she still felt dead to me. I could just open up, tell her how much this hurts...

No.

She shouldn't care about me. Look what I was doing to someone that cared about me, that I cared so much about? It was all shot to hell. I blinked my eyes and felt them go back to anger.

"Get out," I said quietly, although it still sounded like I was screaming.

"Jake."

"I said, get out," I said my voice growing, I pointed to the door.

She looked at me, pleading in her eyes. I looked away and listened as her soft footsteps led out of the door, I heard the front door swing close. I walked slowly to my door, closed it and stood at the foot of my bed. I looked over at my mirror and walked up to it. I stared at my face. I had no idea who was staring back at me. I took my fist and threw it, stopping right before I hit the glass. I kept staring.

Tears filled my eyes and I collapsed onto my bed. Putting my face in my hands as the sobs started to shake me.

What was happening to me? What was I doing?

How many people had disappointed Allison in her life? How many times had she been let down? I'd wanted to protect her after I heard everything about her, after she'd been so vulnerable. But it was all over the second Bella came into the picture, I hadn't even seen her in months but she still had the power to have a complete hold of me.

I was evil. It was only a matter before I changed completely. I didn't want to hurt anyone, I really didn't. I wasn't a monster… was I?

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	15. window bird

**window bird**

**-stars-**

I walked into the school after lunch. Hoping that I wouldn't run in to anyone until I was in class, I only had older year courses for the rest of the day. I walked quickly to the left wing and found my Psychology class and sat in the back. Then I remembered, Allison was in this class. God, I was an idiot.

I waited as the class begin to fill and watched as Allison walked into the class being escorted by one of the football stars, Brad Harley. She was laughing and he was looking at her like a piece of meat. The only reason it didn't bother me was because I knew she wasn't looking for anything, or anyone. When it came to boys, she was done.

She then stopped, like she sensed my thoughts and saw me in the back. She walked away from Brad without saying goodbye and walking straight to me. Brad looked up confusedly an looked at me, sending me a "Oh, whatever," look.

"Jake," she said placing her books on the desk beside me.

"Allison."

"I know everything," she said staring at me.

I turned to her. She knew everything? What was there to know? There was no way she knew everything, nobody did.

I just kept staring at her.

"Jake, I know about Bella," she whispered.

She couldn't. How could she know? Maybe she'd been paying attention. I mean she was really smart, but no she couldn't know, could she? I started sweating. I didn't want her to know, I didn't want anyone to know.

"I know how much you loved her, and she started seeing that guy and now he left."

I looked up at her and breathed a sigh of relief. Okay, she didn't know.

"Am I right?"

"Sure," I said.

"Quil and Emery told me. I mean don't be mad at them," she whispered as the teacher came in and called for attention.

"Not mad," I said, but I was mad. What the hell were they doing telling her? I didn't want her knowing about Bella, I was trying to bury Bella. I could live without her, I had to.

The class began and she kept staring at me. I pretended like I didn't notice and she eventually turned back to the front.

When the bell rang I grabbed my books and walked out of the class immediately.

"Jake –" I heard her call, but I was already out the door. I walked down the corridor until I hit my lockers and waited for Quil and Emery. Sure enough they both came down the hall laughing and punching each other.

"Jake!" Emery said smiling, "You're back!"

"Let's go," I said motioning towards the bathroom. I didn't want Allison walking in on this scene.

"Jake I don't know if I'm ready," Quil said jokingly.

"Shut up," I snapped.

We walked into the bathroom.

"What's wrong?" Emery asked.

"You told Allison about Bella!" I exclaimed, furious.

"What's the big deal," Quil countered.

"The big deal is that there's nothing going on with Bella. The fact that you told Allison just blows everything out of proportion. I don't even care about her and – "

"Oh you're such a liar. Why are you _lying_?" Quil snapped, "I mean you think we're stupid right? We're your friggin' brothers for God's sake, we know you. You think we didn't hear about the Cullens leaving? We had a celebration bonfire, I mean _everyone _knows. You think we're that challenged that we couldn't make the connection between them leaving and you becoming a wrist-cutter?"

"It's a coincidence. I was _sick_. God, you can ask Billy."

"Billy, didn't lie to us. He told us he really had no idea what was wrong," Emery put in.

"When the hell did you talk to him!" I exclaimed.

"We called."

"You know what Jakey-boy, there's one thing I don't understand. If you love Bella as much as you act like you do," I opened my mouth to interrupt but he continued, "Then shouldn't you be happy that the Cullens are gone, I mean this is your chance."

"I told you I don't love her!" I yelled.

"You love Allison," Emery answered.

"No!" I screamed.

"You love Bella," Quil said.

"I don't love anyone!"

"Why haven't you called her? Or gone to see her? Billy said you haven't left your room, let alone your house?"

"I told you –"

"No, Jake. Stop. Why haven't you seen her?"

I stopped. There was no use. I couldn't convince them anything than what they thought and unfortunately they were dead on. Completely right. It scared me sometimes that they knew me better than myself.

"She hasn't come to see me," I muttered.

Quil laughed, "The girl's heart is broken. She's probably been in bed for days, why don't you go see her?"

"I'm not going to be a rebound," I said trying to come up with as many excuses as I could. The thing was I couldn't bear to see her in this pain. Billy had talked to Charlie last night on the phone, and apparently she was barely speaking, or eating and her crying kept him up every night. I wanted to be there for her, I wanted to help her, make her better. But I just couldn't – I didn't want to get involved just in case _he _was coming back. I didn't want to confuse her or hurt her even worse. I would be her friend when she needed me, she hadn't contacted me so for now I would just wait for her.

"Rebounds often turn into actual relationships," Emery said.

"Where did you hear that?" I asked.

"I dunno, it sounded comforting," Emery said smiling and I smiled back.

"We're sorry we told her, Jake. I mean really sorry. But after she went to see you she came to school and she was distraught. She'd never seen you in one of your moods, I mean we've been there, but she was scared and really worried. We had to tell her something, she's good at reading people, she knew we knew something – "

"Yeah, I mean she must be really good in your Psych class because all of a sudden we were telling her everything even though we'd swore we wouldn't. She gets in your head," interrupted Quil.

I smiled, "She was really upset?"

"Really, really upset," Emery replied.

That made me feel a bit better, not because I'd made her upset, but because she'd cared enough to interrogate Quil and Emery. I decided they were forgiven, so I'd change the subject.

"So Sam Uley found her?"

"Yeah, that guy's a creep. I don't care what people say about a Community Hero. I bet he kidnapped her and then 'found' her just so people would love him more," Quil said.

We all started laughing.

"I think we should mission this," I said, using our code word. Mission meant investigating something, stalking, following, snooping and being noisy.

Quil and Emery smiled knowingly, "We should definitely mission this. I heard he lives in a little cabin in the forest."

"Let's go tell Allison," I said and we all ran out of the bathroom.

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	16. battle

**battle**

**-colbie caillat-**

Three weeks later Quil, Embry, Allison and I were walking out of a second hand store. We'd all bought army / camo suits. Quil had insisted on buying a fake round of bullets that he hung around his shoulder and chest like Rambo.

"I mean, we don't even have guns," Embry said as we walked out of the store, staring as Quil held them like they were gold.

"Embry, you're just jealous. This makes me _look _like I have a gun, and you know how much a gun turns on a girl," he said winking. He then stopped and looked over at Allison who burst out laughing.

"Nice," I commented.

"I keep forgetting you're a girl," Quil said putting the bullets back in his bag.

"Why thank you, that's what I like to hear!" she joked.

"So what's the plan?" Embry said as we reached our bikes.

"Well, we have camo. We know Sam lives in the woods… we'll find him and mission," Quil answered.

"Do you guys do this often," Allison asked, noticing our own lingo.

"Well we did it to Creepy Al," Embry said.

"Creepy Al?"

"Yeah, he's a Creep and his name's Al. He was really dirty, hardly ever came out of his house unless he was buying rounds for his gun at the sports store. We wanted to see if he had a family."

Embry burst out laughing, "Yeah, and then we discovered he had like six hundred cats and a couple raccoons. One bit Quil and we had to go to the hospital."

"Very funny," Quil said, "Whatever, I was lucky. I think we found the only rebris-free raccoon in La Push, so it's all good."

Allison laughed and turned, "So wait, why are we mission-ing Sam?"

"Well first he's creepy," Quil piped in.

"He stared at me weird when I saw him on the beach a long time ago," I put in.

"He's like really tall," Quil added.

"I saw him in the woods staring at me the other day when I went for a walk," I said, deciding not to tell them how I'd actually gone there in refuge.

"Everyone thinks he's _such _a hero," Quil exclaimed, "Oooh, I'm Sam. I'm so creepy and tall, worship me!"

We all started laughing.

"So we're basically going to stalk him because…he stares… at you?" Allison said looking at me questionly.

Quil and Embry looked at me, wandering if I was going to say the rest.

"He was the one that found Bella," I said as I got on my bike, not looking her in the eye..

"Oh," Allison said, I could feel her stare in my back.

I unlocked my bike, "Come on, let's go. I want to get this done today," and I pushed off on my bike and we were all off to our secret headquarters… or my garage.

An hour and a half later we were all suited up and ready. Quil of course put the dirt on his face with black under his eyes. Allison had her long blonde hair tied into a bun inside her cap and Embry and I were just, looking good.

"Alright, so if he comes. We all bail," I declared.

"Deal," we all replied.

"And Allison may actually have a future with her intelligence, unlike the rest of us," Quil said nodding towards her, "So the three musketeers will protect you if need be."

Allison laughed, "I appreciate it. But we're the four musketeers alright? All for one," she exclaimed.

"And one for all!" we all yelled together.

So we biked down a couple miles until we hit the woods that led to Sam's cottage. We left them in a ditch and began walking in the dense woods. Quil was being an idiot and running around and hiding behind trees, tumbling and rolling obnoxiously. The three of us couldn't stop laughing.

"You guys know you're in grade four right," Allison whispered as we the woods started to get more sparse.

"Hey! We're top of the class alright," I said, playing that I was offended.

She laughed.

We then walked a bit still not talking until Quil, who insisted on being twenty feet in front of us for protection, stopped and turned around. He threw his hand in the air, put his left one down and his right one started going horizontal. He then made a circle with his left one and made some weird clicking, noise sounds.

We all tried to hide our laughs.

"What the _hell _does that mean?" I hissed at him.

"HOUSE," he mouthed pointing farther up.

We all jogged up and stopped. We were at a cliff, there was a slight slope with branches, roots, trees and shrubs on the way down. At the bottom was a tiny little cottage, resembling one you'd see in a Disney film.

"God I want to roll down this," Quil said as the four of us stood there.

"Absolutely not," Embry said, "You'd roll right into their front lawn."

"Okay, you and Quil go down on the left side. Allison and I will take it from the right."

"Deal," Embry said and they started walking the opposite direction.

Allison and I started walking.

"I'm going back to California, you know," Allison said suddenly, once we got our of earshot from the others.

I stopped and looked at her, "What?"

"Just for a couple months," she said quickly, "But I thought I'd just let you know. Once school ends."

"What, why?"

"Well, it's…" she smiled one of her sad smiles and looked down, "It'll be my birthday and Matthew and I's anniversary."

_And his death anniversary, _I thought shivering. How could so many things happen so suddenly? It scared me.

"I guess you guys do something special each year to remember him and everything," I said.

"Well he's…still, there," she said and then she looked at me, her eyes wider than before.

I nodded, trying to be understanding. I didn't want her to leave. She made everything, just better – Wait. Still there? Still where? I stopped walking and she stopped too. The silence was deafening.

"Still there?"

She looked down, "I, we'll talk about it later. We should start heading down now," she whispered.

I grabbed her arm, softly, "Allison, what do you mean still there?"

She shrugged it off, "Jake, later. Please," she said starting to walk down.

"Allison, what are you talking about?" I said but she was already at a faster pace on the way down, trying to get away from me.

I started to follow her but realized how tricky it was. There were roots and rocks and shrubs everywhere, "Allison, slow down."

"I'm fine," she said her voice shaking, it wasn't from jogging, it was from crying.

Then I heard a bit of a yelp as she caught on a rock and fell.

"Allison!" I screamed as I slid down after her. She fell a couple feet and grabbed onto a shrub, and then let go realizing she wasn't falling anymore. She was shaking.

I got to her as fast as I could and sat down beside her. She was crying, really hard. But it wasn't tears from falling down, something else was hurting her.

"I lied, he didn't die in the ambulance," she said choking between words. I could hardly understand her.

I tried to get closer to her but she pushed me away.

"I am such a coward," she cried.

"Allison."

"It sounds so much better that way. Such a cleaner slate, so much easier."

I put my hand on her shoulder and she didn't flinch.

"I- I can't," she said sobbing.

I then turned when I saw something move in the corner of my eye. I looked and saw Quil and Embry about twenty feet away from the house by a tree, looking around for Allison and I. Allison looked up and followed my gaze. She wiped her tears away from her makeupless yet flawless face.

"Let's go," she said standing up.

"Stop, it doesn't matter," I said reaching for her hand.

She moved it, "Let's go," she said, trying to keep her voice steady, "Please Jake."

I nodded and we began walking down, holding her hand to make sure she wouldn't fall again. We got to the bottom and let go, staring at the house. I was listening for that silence again but I could hear noises. I looked over at Allison's face and I could tell she heard them two.

There were muffled screams.

I looked over at Quil and Embry. Quil cupped his hands around his mouth in a shouting form and pointed to the house. I nodded. I waved Quil and Embry over. They both jogged over, keeping their heads down.

"What was the point of us going down there if we were just going to come here?" Embry asked.

"It looks cooler if we ambush from both sides, duh," Quil answered.

We all lied down on our stomachs in the tall grass.

"Who's yelling?"

"It sounds like it's coming from the house… a girl and a guy," Allison suggested.

I looked over at her, her face was clear, no signs of tears.

Another loud shout was heard and the crashing of some glass.

Allison looked over at me and I could tell she was scared. I was scared too. What was going on?

It went quiet for a bit.

We all sat listening, for anything.

Then there was a loud scream. It was one I'd never heard before. It was like a thousand emotions in one: anger, frustration, sadness, fear. It gave me the shivers, I'd never heard anything like it, not even with all the scary movies Quil, Embry and I had gone to since we were eleven.

"What…the…fuck," Quil whispered, his voice no longer reeking of arrogance.

"I want to leave," Allison whispered, I moved my hand and held hers, feeling it shake.

We were all staring at the window where all the shadows were coming from. The blind that held moved and a female face looked out. Except it wasn't a face, it was lopsided. There were four huge scratches on it, covered with bandages that tinged red. Allison whimpered and put her face into my chest. I kept on staring until I realized the eyes were staring back at me.

"Let's get out of here!" I hissed. We all got up and booked it, running up the side of the cliff as fast as we could. I was behind Allison making sure she was safe. She got to the top with the other two and they kept running.

I stopped and looked back and saw a giant, hairy figure standing outside of the house looking right at me.

I lost my grip and fell.

Falling down; I put my leg out and finally stopped. I was shaking with fear but I couldn't take my eyes off… the thing. I was trying to focus but it was like no matter how hard I kept my eyes straight it was still shaking. I didn't know what it was, it didn't look like anything. It was out of a movie. It wasn't a bear, it wasn't a wolf, or a coyote. I was memorized. And then it turned and ran into the forest.

"Jake!" I heard my name called. I ran back up over the edge and saw Allison looking at me with fearful eyes, "What are you doing!" she yelled grabbing my arm and I kept my mouth shut as we kept running.

We reached our bikes and I saw Embry and Quil starting to peddle to the right, where the monster had been running.

"No!" I screamed, "We're going this way!"

"What? Jake, none of us live that way."

"I said no. Follow me," I said and I pushed off, biking. They all followed me, hearing the urgency in my voice.

As we biked, I could hear Embry and Quil whispering to each other.

"What the hell happened to her?"

"She must've been attacked by a bear."

"Do you think it's that girl we always heard about?"

"Do you think Sam kidnapped her? Kind of kinky," Quil said, and the tension lifted.

Not in my body though. I was barely listening. My head was full of the monster I'd seen. The quivering, furry beast that had looked me right in the eye seeing exactly who I was.

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	17. monster hospital

**monster hospital**

**-metric-**

Bella walked over to me.

"I loved you, I loved you all along."

I stared at her and grabbed her hand, its cold touch sent chills up my arm. I was so warm I felt like I would burn her. But it didn't matter, nothing mattered.

I held her in my arms. Amazed at how complete I felt holding her. All of a sudden I looked up and saw the giant monster staring down at me. It grabbed Bella with its mouth and threw her away from me, no sound came from her mouth even though it was screaming in horror.

"No!" I screamed, but nothing came out either. There was silence. My whole world was falling apart and it was silent.

The monster turned to her and I screamed. Again, no words came out of my mouth, they stayed within my head but the monster stopped and looked at me. It looked back at Bella, its nose twitching like something smelled bad. It looked back at me and made a noise, almost like a cry.

I stared at it incredulously. Why wasn't it attacking me? Tearing me apart? Ripping me to shreds? Then the piercing sound of a scream broke my ears and I turned to see Bella screaming as blood escaped her ripped arm. I felt sick to my stomach. The monster just stared at me, looking for praise. I heard another scream as Bella cried in agony.

Make it stop.

Make it stop.

I screamed in my head.

I woke up sweating and panting. My mouth was so dry. I reached over to one of my water bottles and took a sip. What the hell was that? I couldn't remember the last time I'd had a nightmare. I looked at the clock. It was 3:14am, I looked outside at the moon shedding light on the dark sky.

I lied back down and tried to sleep but the memories of the past week hit me again. Allison crying, seeing the face through the window, us running for our lives, Allison saying something about Matthew, and the monster. And then Bella, Bella filled my head. it had been almost a month and half since Edward had left.

Billy was worried sick. Charlie wasn't calling anymore, he wasn't calling anyone. Billy had seen him the other day and said that he wasn't the same, that something had been sucked out of him. We both knew exactly what it was. Bella wasn't getting any better, Quil had started talking to one of her friends on the computer, who'd told her she was a 'zombie'. I still hadn't seen her, or called her. I didn't think it was my place, even though my heart was broken all the time, like it was her heart or something. Nothing really made sense. All I knew was that Allison had said she was leaving in a few more months and I hadn't brought it up again. Maybe if I didn't think about it and didn't bring it up, it wouldn't happen, she'd forget to leave me.

I knew she wouldn't.

I closed my eyes, praying for darkness.

A week later I was walking to my Psych class when I felt an arm grab me, I turned around and saw Brad Harley staring at me.

"Hey bud, can I talk to you for a second?" he asked.

I raised an eyebrow. I'd been in the same class as him for almost an entire school year, in which we never uttered a word to one another, and all of a sudden I was his 'bud'?

"Uh, ya sure…"

We walked a couple feet from the door and he put his hand on a locker.

"What's up with you and that Dawson girl?"

"Her name's Allison…" I answered.

"Yeah, I know. I know her name's Allison," he said like I was the stupidest person on earth to think that he didn't know her name.

"Alright," I said turning to walk away but he grabbed my shoulder again.

"Sorry, sorry, Jake, right?" he asked. I nodded. "Are you guys dating?"

I looked at him. He looked desperate. But I didn't trust him for a second. Maybe he was one of the few guys on the team who didn't just want to have sex with a girl to win some bet. But I wouldn't take a chance, not with her. I opened my mouth about to say Yes but stopped. Was it right of me to be this protective? To lie so that he wouldn't bother her? I mean I would never date Allison, no one held any interest for me except for Bella. I cringed at the thought of her, at the honest thing I'd been replaying in my head for a while; that I would never want anyone except for Bella. God I hated myself.

"Oh, I'm sorry man. I didn't mean to bring it up if you didn't want to talk about it," Brad said, staring at me with eyes of pity.

I looked up at him, forgetting that he was there. I was confused.

"I mean it's cool if you like her, but I really think that me and her have…something. So next time you're near her you can just bring me up or something? That'd be sick, thanks man," he said giving me a pat on the shoulder and walking into the classroom.

I stood dumbstruck. Stupid confusing mind of mine. For some reason I thought that when I was thinking it was fast forwarding when really it was going the same pace as everything else…aka people thought I was slow and stupid because I didn't respond in the expected time span. So now Brad thought I was a kid who had a schoolboy crush on a pretty older girl. Great.

I felt someone grab my shoulder. For God's sake.

"Brad, seriously!" I cried turning around, to see Allison staring at me with her eyebrows raised.

She looked at her hand, "Wow, the gym is really paying off."

I shook my head, "Sorry, I just – never mind."

"Brad?"

"Long story."

"Since when do you talk to Brad?"

"I said long story."

"I mean he's like way off your cool radar...what would he have to say to _you_?"

I narrowed my eyes at her. She smiled, "As in _you're_ waycooler than him."

I nudged her and she laughed. I started walking to the classroom but she grabbed my hand.

"Let's skip it… I want to talk to you," she said staring at me seriously.

"Billy will – "

"I'm top of the class, Jake. I'll catch you up on whatever little lesson Dominic teaches them, alright?"

"Fine," I said and we started walking the other way.

We walked to the forest where I'd gone that day after school and we sat on a log. She turned to me.

"I'm sorry I lied," she said looking at me pleadingly.

"Just tell me the truth," I said staring her straight in the eye, she turned away.

"Matthew's in a coma," she whispered.

"Oh my god," I spoke, not realizing I was thinking outside of my head.

"Yeah…"

"Sorry, I didn't mean… But how long has it been?"

"A year."

"Is there any chance of him recovering?"

"Little to none. The doctors are almost positive he'll never wake up but his parents, well they're very religious. They pray all the time, still hoping for a miracle from God."

"Wow, that must be hard."

"I think it would be a lot easier if they let go," she said still not staring me in the eye.

"Have you?"

She looked up, "Have I what?"

"Have you let go?"

She looked back down, "No. I won't ever let go. But I think this makes everything so much harder, not for me but for them. I mean they're the ones who visit him in the hospital every week, I left and I came here. I don't have to deal with it, as much."

"When you lived there…did you visit him?"

"Every day," she answered not skipping a beat.

I looked at her. Trying to understand how she could be so strong. I couldn't be near Bella, not even see her once, when all she had was a broken heart. Could I really _be _with her while she was dying, knowing she could never get better? Could I hold her hand as she slept... knowing she'd never wake up? I shivered.

"It was okay for the first few months. I believed, I _had _to believe that he'd get better. I went to Church every day after I visited him, praying. But after a while when the doctors kept saying there was no change, I just… it started to disappear. It started to get harder to see him, to watch him just knowing he'd be like that forever. That's when it started sucking something out of me, when it really started to hurt. My parents noticed and that's when they realized we had to leave."

"Were you mad at them?"

"Furious," she answered, a small smile creeping onto her lips, "I shouted, slammed doors, threw my plate at the wall, broke a couple picture frames, and I stole the car for a night…I went to the hospital and one of the overnight nurses that knew me allowed me to sleep with him for just one night… so I stayed. I came back the next morning and cried for three days straight. Only stopping to go visit him and hold his hand. But my parents were serious so as I started packing, I realized it was for the best. He wasn't going to wake up… he isn't going to wake up."

"Allison," I said softly.

She looked at me tears in her eyes and she smiled, "Seriously, Jake. It's fine. I'm okay now. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I just… I wish it was easier. I wish he could just be in heaven staring down at me, instead of struggling... I don't know what's worse…him hearing every word I say and not being able to answer…or him not hearing me at all…" she said choking on the last sentence.

"He hears you," I said moving closer to her, "He loves you and he's listening."

She nodded, "So I just...for his birthday. I'm going to go back to California…"

I stiffened. I didn't want her to leave. "Do you really think that's a good idea?"

She looked up at me, and put her hand on mine for a couple seconds, "You're going to be fine without me, silly. I'll come back, I promise. I just… as much as it hurts and as much as I've gotten better I miss him, and I want to see him."

I nodded looking down, refusing to show her my face. I didn't want her to see how much this killed me.

"But you're going after school and everything right?"

"Oh, yeah of course. We still have time don't worry smelly," she said nudging in to me and I rocked over falling off the stump.

"Oh that's it!" I yelled and she squealed running for her life as I chased her.

...

I woke up to my alarm in the morning. Groaning as I hit the snooze button. I slowly got up.

I got out of my bed and ducked underneath door frame into the bathroom. I was about to splash water on my face when I heard the phone ring. I sprinted out of the bathroom to our phone, not wanting it to wake up Billy.

"Hello?"

No response.

"Hello?" I asked again.

Still nothing.

I hung up the phone, puzzled and headed back to the bathroom.

After I was ready, with my lunch and books all packed I got on my bike and went over to Allison's where Quil, Embry and I always met her to go to school. I turned around the corner and put on my breaks when I saw Embry and Quil biking towards me.

"What's up?" I asked when they stopped in front of me.

"Yeah she's not coming today," Quil answered.

"What?" I asked confused.

"Yeah, her mom said she wasn't coming," Embry repeated.

"Yeah, but why?" I asked.

"I unno, we didn't ask questions. Just leave it, you can call her when you get home."

"Alright," I said and we headed to school.

I raced to Allison's after school. The day had been torture, there was a strict no cell phone policy on school property and the one pay phone we had was broken. I'd had no way to contact Allison to see what was wrong, maybe she was just sick?

I got to her house and knocked on the door a couple times but there was no answer. Allison wasn't there. She was the only one who answered the door. Her dad was always at work and her mom was always sleeping.

I got back on my back and headed home, jumping off it and leaving it on the lawn as I ran up to the door. There was a letter in between the screen door and edge. I opened the screen door and it fell to the ground. It had a name on the front of the envelope.

Jacob.

In Allison's handwriting.

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	18. the con

**the con  
-tegan and sara-**

I read the note over 13 times. Allison did have boy writing but I could tell it was written in a hurry, she'd been in a rush.

_Jake I. I'm gone. California, I'm sorry I didn't call, I found out at 2 in the morning.. I told my dad to drop this off. I'm sorry. Matt's not doing…he's not doing good, he almost died last night, something's wrong with his heart. I'm sorry. I'll talk to you _

_By_

I saw that there were dried teardrops all over, smudging the ink. The entire thing was a crinkled mess from her cries. I kept reading hoping it was wrong, hoping that the permanent words would disappear or just change altogether and she'd knock on my door. There was still months left of school, I mean how could she just leave like that?

How could she leave me?

I walked into the house and heard Billy on the phone.

"…weird. No, I haven't seen any yet."

I stopped and listened in.

"…and you're sure they're not just bears? No? Not wolves either huh? There's nothing else in these woods… no, no, I know all my years too. Have you called any other … oh alright, and nothing?" he stopped and listened, "Okay I'll keep my eyes out for them, yeah no he hasn't been in the forest. I don't know… I don't want to scare him. Alright, yeah alright, I'll keep an eye out. Alright, bye." He hung up the phone and I slowly slipped into my room.

Allison was gone.

She was gone.

I collapsed on my bed and tried to convince myself that she'd come back, that everything would go back to normal. But for some reason I knew that nothing would ever be the same.

The phone rang and I jumped at the sound. I nestled back down, thinking it would be for Billy again but his voice filled the air.

"Jake, it's for you," he said.

I got up and walked out of my room to the kitchen where our only phone was located, "Hello?"

There was no reply.

"Hello?" I repeated.

"Jake," was Allison's broken reply.

"Allison! Where are you? Are you okay? How is he?"

I heard her take a deep intake of breath, her voice was shaking.

"He's… he's in s-surgery," she said slowly, but still her words collapsed.

"What happened?"

"Something w-went wrong, with his heart. There…there was a c-clot that they, that they didn't see. And it stopped him, from breathing," she paused for a second, "He couldn't breathe, Jake," she whimpered as she began to cry, "He couldn't breathe and I wasn't even here."

She started bawling.

"Allison," I said but I knew she couldn't hear me, "Allison!" I said a little louder.

She stopped for a second.

"Everything is going to be okay, okay? This isn't your fault. You couldn't have done anything even if you were there."

"I could've told him he wasn't alone. He's been so alone, how could I leave him? He would _never _have left me," she said, anger filling her shaking voice.

"Allison, stop. You had to leave, you had to get better. You were okay when you were here, you were fine. You have to come home," I said and immediately regretted it, I was making this about me. I was selfish.

"You think I was fine!? I wasn't better! Who the hell are you to tell me where to go? _This _is my home. I'm not leaving, I'm not leaving him again. He needs me."

It felt like knives were going in and out of my chest. Like my stomach was being ripped open. This wasn't fair.

"He doesn't need you, okay? You _have _to get over it! Allison, he's _not_ going to wake up!" I shouted, realizing I wasn't talking about her…but somebody just like her.

There was silence on the other end. My words finally hit me and I stood dumbstruck. I wished in that second, in that instance, more than anything else I'd ever wished for in my life, that I could take back those words, take them out from where they lingered in the air and erase them.

"Allison, I didn't – "

"Fuck you," is all she said and the line went dead.

But her words weren't angry. They were broken and sad and somehow it made the words sting more than if they'd been screamed into my face, somehow the quiet syllables still had a way of breaking something in me.

I hung up the phone and looked up to see Billy staring at me.

"What happened?"

"It's none of your fucking business!" I screamed.

He looked taken aback, "Jacob, don't – "

I looked at him, I felt the black enter my eyes. The anger swell within me, threatening to make me say words and phrases that I didn't mean. I felt something shake within me and for a second I was scared, fearful of the monster inside me but I quickly pushed the thought away as the anger returned. I looked at Billy , wanting to tell him to fuck off, that he knew nothing of this pain. But deep down, I knew he did, I knew he did.

"Billy, please," I said quietly and he nodded. Understanding the meaning behind the words that meant I surrendered, that I was sorry and that I had to be alone, that I couldn't give him the answers he wanted.

I turned away and started walking to my room, concentrating on placing one foot in front of the other, and I turned around to take one last look at Billy, knowing before I'd even turned, exactly what I'd find.

Billy was sitting in his chair looking out the window. We were more alike than I'd ever wanted and I continued to watch as another person I loved, was in pain. Billy kept looking out the window, as if he too was waiting for something, for someone to come home and make everything alright.

I'd quietly slipped out the door after seeing Billy, finding Quil and Embry as soon as I could.

"Wow, that's awful," Quil said as I'd explained the entire Matt situation. Maybe it was a secret for only me to know, but I had to tell someone or it would eat me alive.

"She must've been really upset," Embry put in.

"She was, and I was screaming at her. Basically telling her she was an idiot for going back."

"That's just because you didn't want her to leave, you didn't mean it," Embry replied.

"She told me to fuck off. I mean, I've never even heard her swear."

"She didn't mean it, she's really upset and so were you. You guys'll be fine."

"I told her he didn't need her…to get over it! That he'd never wake up," I said still holding my face in my hands, "I am such an _idiot._"

"She knows you didn't mean it, just calm down," Quil said as he tapped on the dashboard.

We were all sitting in his car as the rain tapped on the windows and roof, I'd called them to pick me up and they had. If only everyone was as reliable and permanent in my life as they were.

"I mean she loves you," Quil said and Embry and I both stopped and looked at him.

I don' think Quil had ever said the word love in his life. I looked at Embry and he raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry?" I said.

Quil looked up from the dashboard, "Oh come on. The girl loves you. How did you know I knew to stay away?"

"Because she would never go out with you…"

"No, because I saw the way she looked at you, Jake," he replied looking me straight in the eye. It shook me a bit, they would've from anyone, but hearing them from Quil made them hit me even harder.

"She loves you, maybe she doesn't know it yet but she does. She'll come home, she can't hold on to this Matt guy forever, she knows that. Just give her time. She'll call," he said patting me on the back.

I nodded and the three of us sat in silence as the words seeped in.

"Let's go biking, this mud is _awe_some," Quil said motioning to the rain pouring down, the tension disappeared.

I smiled, "Let's do it!"

We'd gone biking for a couple of hours. Through the trails in the forests, on the roads, mud and water spraying out from under us. There was something about when life was screwed up, I could just hang out with Quil and Embry and find a place where everything made sense.

I sat at my desk trying to concentrate on my Psychology homework, but every question and answer reminded me of her until I shoved my book off the desk in frustration.

I got up and headed towards my garage; deciding to lose myself in the wreck that was my car. I got inside and pulled out my tool box, pulling out wrenches and all different gadgets. I got under the hood and started moving things around, checking everything to make sure it was alright. My engine needed work, lots of things needed work. I felt the grease seep into my hands, but it felt okay.

I then heard the sound of a car coming up our laneway. I stopped and stuck my head out of my hood, listening. Who could it be? Billy hadn't said anything about visitors. My mind then started flying.

Allison.

Allison was here.

I got up excitedly and ran out of the garage, ready for apologies, to tell her everything would be okay, that I was so sorry, that I knew everything was a mess but I would make it better I would –

I stopped dead in my tracks. My heart stopped.

It was her.

But it wasn't the her I thought it would be.

I stared as Bella stared back at me.

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	19. polaris

s t a r l i g h t

**polaris**

**- jimmy eat world -**

/

Except it wasn't Bella.

I stared at her for a few seconds trying to figure out who it was.

The last time I'd seen her she'd been smiling and beaming up at Edward like everything in her life was complete, she'd been happy.

The girl standing in front of me looked lost. I thought I'd seen broken when I'd looked at Allison, when I'd looked at my face in the mirror, but nothing even came close to Bella. Allison had sparks go through her eyes and sometimes lose their way out, but Bella's…hers looked like they'd never even seen the light.

She was pale, but not the kind of beautiful pale she'd once been, it was a deep white that seemed to be stained with some kind of unknown destruction. Her eyes were gaunt, there was a dark purplish blue painted underneath them. She looked like she hadn't slept in years. Her hair looked the way it turns into when you shower and go to sleep, waking up in the morning to see that it's dried in ways that make it stick out funny. Most people would flatten or brush it, I had the feeling she didn't enjoy looking at her reflection much anymore. She wasn't wearing anything special, ripped grey sweatpants and a giant sweater. And although she would always be the most beautiful creature in my world, at this moment, she looked average, she looked normal.

She was unrecognizable to the Bella I'd seen mere months ago. I think that if I'd seen her someplace else, like on the streets or in a mall, I wouldn't even have recognized her, I would've even have given her a second glance.

There was no other conclusion than the one I drew.

She was absolutely destroyed.

But it didn't matter, none of it mattered. I looked at her and realized that she was here, she was here with me. I smiled.

"Hey Jacob!" she said smiling, it didn't reach her eyes and it looked out of place on her face.

"Bella!"

"You grew again!" she said stepping closer, I felt want, need, pulsating through my body.

"Six five," I said smiling, as she stepped closer. I realized then that it was raining, my body was numb from content that I hadn't even noticed, "Come inside!" I said and we ran into the house.

I called out to Billy and he came over. I couldn't even stand still. The words they conversed didn't hit me until

"…I just wanted to see Jacob. I haven't seen him in forever," she said looking up at me and smiling. I knew I was beaming.

We headed out to my garage and I showed her my '86 classic and all of a sudden she was asking me about motorcycles. I answered all the questions easily since Quil, Embry and I had been riding ones that we borrowed and often fixed from Quil's cousins since we were eleven. And all of a sudden she brought up that she had two, and then we were sneaking them into my garage. She wanted them fixed. They'd come with hours of time that we'd have to spend together, I couldn't stop smiling.

I had no idea what was behind her reasoning, why she wanted to start motorcycling, but I didn't ask questions. She was here now and I felt, I felt… I don't even know. I felt better than I had in months.

And although I wanted to bring everything up. Understand what happened, understand why she was here, I didn't want her to stop smiling. I wanted to be her security blanket just as Alli –

I stopped. I didn't want to think about her right now.

Bella was all I needed.

* * *

She came over the next day and we talked about stuff, it was so easy talking to her. I talked to her about school and of course Quil and Embry came up. She smiled as I told her all our stories, all of our mishaps and adventures. I didn't want to stop talking, I didn't want her to stop looking at me the way she was.

And then,

"Jacob?" someone shouted.

I groaned inside my head as Quil and Embry walked in, stopping to see that the person I was talking to was none other than Bella Swan. They looked back and forth between us two, confused.

And then we were all talking. And even though we were in conversation I knew both of them were trying to get my attention, but I simply avoided eye contact, not wanting to explain, how could I possibly explain?

Then Bella brought up the bikes came up and the three of us started talking about what we would do first, the makes of them, the parts we'd need. And as I lost myself in one of my favourite things I looked over at my most favourite thing in the world, now and forever.

"We're boring you, aren't you?"

Bella smiled weakly, "No, not at all. I have to go cook for Charlie."

She then started telling me we'd go out shopping for parts, that she'd pay for anything since I was supplying her with expertise and lessons. I was beaming on the inside, another day with her. I looked over to see Quil and Embry smiling to themselves and nudging each other. I smacked Quil over the head and Bella insisted again that she had to leave, I felt my heart sinking. She left, giving a small wave and a smile. The second she was out the door.

"Oooooh! Jakey boy!" Quil and Embry said in unison. I jumped on both of them smacking them in the ground. There were grunts and shouts as we wrestled around punching and kicking each other.

After a couple of minutes we all stopped, lying on the ground beside each other facing the ceiling. We were breathing hard.

"So, Bella huh?" Quil asked.

"Shut up," I said and they knew case was closed. I had nothing to say, I didn't understand it myself. After a couple more of hours of working on the car, Quil and Embry headed home. I walked into my house and saw Billy look up at me from the kitchen table.

"Hey Jake," he said, smiling timidly.  
I knew he was just waiting for me to lash out on him again.

"Hey Billy," I said returning the smile. He seemed to loosen up a bit.

"So Bella, huh?" he said mimicking Quil.

I laughed, "Yeah, Bella," I said and loved the way her name sounded on my lips. I walked towards my room still smiling. YesterdayTo be around someone that you care about, to be the reason behind their laughs and smiles was a feeling that would forever remain unforgettable.

I took off my t-shirt and pants and lied down on my bed in my boxers.

Everything was going to be okay, everything was going to be just fine. I smiled again, my face was starting to hurt.

The phone rang and I got up jogging over. Billy was consumed with a game on the TV. I picked it up.

"Hello?" I said joyfully.

"Jake?"

I felt my throat go dry at the sound of Allison's voice.

Even though it was silent I could hear her tears through the phone.

"J-Jake, I need you," she said her voice shaking.

I listened to her words. All our memories flooded through my mind like a still movie, and then Bella appeared and her smiles filled every part of my head. Her laughs, her words.

"J-Jake."

Bella smiling.

"Jake…are you – "

I took the phone from my ear and put it down on the receiver, hanging up. I stared at the phone and closed my eyes, refusing to let anything escape them.


	20. the mixed tape

s t a r l i g h t

**-mixed tape-  
jacks mannequin**

**/**

It'd been three weeks. Bella and I were inseparable. And I knew that she was healing, ever so slowly. That the cracks were starting o come together again and I knew I was where she could hide when the darkness came.

But I knew with every intake of her breath how much she missed _him. _

But I also knew that with every second spent with me, she was slowly forgetting to feel it, feel the hurt. I was healing her and although I loved her, I could feel myself actually falling in love with her and I knew one day she'd love me too.

It was amazing really, the way our hearts work, the way mine did. I'd gone months without her, zero contact. And I'd been okay, and looking back now I don't know what it had been that had made everything alright. I started to think about why, or just how people become alright. Do they repress and push things away so they forget, does that mean they're even over it? Or do they become stronger, and learn to bear it, and actually get over it? I don't know if I'd become stronger or what. But all I knew is that the second she walked back in to my life, it all hit me even harder, how much I'd missed her. How much I'd missed talking to her, looking at her.

The thing that was weird was that once she broke through the wave that had been drowning me, everything was about her. Every thought was back to her, every memory came flooding whenever I saw something that reminded me of her. She wasn't repressed or forgotten, she was right there sticking out white on black. Whenever the phone rang, whenever there was a knock on the door, whenever I heard the noise of a car passing by my house. It just felt like things were back to where I was square one and although it was amazing it was the worst thing that could ever happen. Because now, I couldn't see my life ever going back to how it was. I couldn't think of what would happen if she were to leave me again.

I heard a knock on the door and got up running, knowing exactly who it'd be. I opened the door, my grin spreading ear to ear.

Bella stood before me, smiling. And although the smile still looked misplaced on her flawless face there was some colour to her cheeks. She wasn't normal looking yet, but she'd get there.

She was holding a helmet.

"Uh, come on James Dean, I think we have a date," she said winking.

"Oh Norma Jean, cut it out!" I said as I grabbed my shoes and shut the door behind me.

"Never," she said and she put her hand on my chest, trying to fake a flirty push and I knew she was joking but I felt my cheeks go bright red. It was like nothing else when she touched me.

She saw my face and took back her hand like she'd burned herself, "Anyways! Let's go," she said, obviously trying to lift the tension.

And that was when I missed Allison, it was the only time her face appeared in my head. Her blonde bangs falling over her eyelashes as she looked up at me, smiling, wrinkles touching her eyes. There had never been awkwardness between us, but with Bella, it was impossible. Being in love with someone who was broken was awful. The comments and feelings and motions spilled out of me without me even knowing. I only became aware of it when I saw her stricken reaction. And I knew as time went on, and how I felt became…even more, that it would only get worse.

But it had to get bad, before it got better.

* * *

Every day was spent with her. Homework, working on the bikes, teaching her, just being with her. I got her back into watching TV, kinda. When we'd first sat down she didn't seem to really watch it, whenever I asked her questions she never knew the answers, it was like she zoned out into a safer place whenever the images appeared on the screen, in order to protect herself from what she would see. But after some time she began to react. I would always remember the afternoon when she woke up.

We were watching The Simpsons, I thought it was a show safe from anything that could remind her of well, him. There were hardly any love storylines and the only relationship was in a very husband-wife-kids manner. We were watching and I was smiling at one of the stupid things that came out of Bart's mouth. I was always silent, I hated laughing out loud because I didn't want to emphasize how quiet it was. I didn't want Bella to snap out of it and realize how consumed she was, and get upset over that too. So she did things to protect herself and I would help her in any way I could. But one day for some reason she woke up.

"What's his name again?" came the words from her soft mouth.

I almost jumped when she spoke. I turned to her.

"Sorry?" was all I managed.

She kept looking at the TV, confused, "The one with the red hair and the big shoes."

"Oh, Side Show Bob," I replied, looking at her. Searching her face for any difference, any change.

She nodded, "And has he always wanted to kill…" she began and heard Bart's name, finishing her sentence, "Has he always wanted to kill Bart?" she said turning and looking at me, a tentative smile on her face.

And for some reason, I'd felt something prick at the back of my eyes. And I knew I'd almost lost it for a second, it had nothing to do with what she said, or what question she was asking, any one watching would've found the conversation utterly meaningless, but to me it meant everything, it meant she was getting better. I smiled back.

"Always," I replied and she laughed, turning back to the television.

* * *

We spent countless hours together. It was a all a blend, I couldn't keep one memory from falling into another, but it didn't matter. Because every memory was still full of _her_. Until one day when clarity came to strike, with the rare sunlight that touched Forks in only significant strikes.

"Let's go for a walk!" Bella declared.

"Uh…no," I replied as I stared at the back of her cards, trying to see through them at to what she had.

She put her cards down, "Yes."

I looked down at her cards on the floor and back up to her face, "No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Why not!"

"Uh, cuz you're Bella Swan."

"Aw thanks for clearing that up for me, I always seem to be forgetting _my own name!_"

I smiled bitterly.

"We're going for a walk."

"Let's not and say we did, now pick up your cards. We are not done here."

She looked at the middle of our game where our prizes lied. We'd started going to the dollar store and buying the most ridiculous things and we'd play cards or have competitions to win them. Right now there was a lanyard that said giraffe, a pair of glasses that made your eyes look 4 times there normal size, a mug that said "Happy Birthday Fred" and a set with two G.I Joe action figures.

She looked back up, "I really could do without. Come on, I wanna go outside."

"I am not taking care of you when you break your arm by tripping on flat pavement."

She laughed.

I looked at her, mocking seriousness, "Seriously. You could find a way to hurt yourself wearing a straitjacket in a room full of bean bag chairs."

She laughed, a little lighter this time and looked down for a sec. I sensed something but she looked up quickly, "Let's go," she said and I groaned getting up to follow her.

We headed towards the woods. She was mostly leading. There were stories everywhere now about the monsters living in the forest. I still believed it was just some random kind of wolf, maybe one that had drank some toxic waste and grown to massive proportions, but it still had lots of people worried and freaked out, Billy and Charlie being just two of them. I wasn't sure if Charlie had told Bella about it, so I decided not to bring it up and obliged to following her into the woods.

It was about fifteen minutes into the walk before Bella tripped and scratched her knee.

"Ow!" she cried out.

I burst out laughing.

She got up smiling, "Oh shut up."

I put my hands up, still laughing.

We continued walking and after an hour Bella somehow didn't see the giant root on the pathway and fell, except this time I knew there wouldn't be just a little scrape.

"Ah!" she screamed as she swooped down onto the damp ground.

I was about to laugh when she looked up her face full of pain.

"Are you alright?" I asked.

"Ow, god! I think I twisted my ankle," she said, groaning.

I opened my mouth ready to say I told you so but was interrupted, "Don't you dare say I told you so," Bella said not looking up from where she lied, her back on the ground.

I walked over to her and picked her up effortlessly, swinging her around on my back. I was a good foot taller than her and I'd gained weight, it was like picking up a little girl.

"Jake, let me down!" she screamed.

"No," I replied simply as I started walking, laughing at her weak attempts from my embrace.

"Put me down!" she yelled, getting angry.

This just made me laugh harder. I then started to run, "Never, ever, ever!" I yelled as I ran as fast as I could, dodging branches, trees and roots.

She stopped fighting to get off and lay tense on my back. I could feel her dejected body and I wandered what would bring on her sudden change of mood. It was only for a brief movement and I felt her shake her head as her hair hit my face, shaking like it would shake her thoughts out too.

"If you don't let me down, I will kill you," she yelled, but I could tell that she wasn't as angry anymore, "And stop trying to pretend you're strong."

"Pretend?" I asked incredously. I then started running even faster, surprising myself that I was still able to dodge every dangerous object."We're going to die, we're going to die," she began muttering to herself.

I laughed and then all of a sudden I was falling. I looked to see my foot caught in a root and then with one swoosh I was down on the ground face first. Bella rolled off of my back, unscathed.

It was silent in the forest and all I could hear was my deep, heavy breaths.

Until Bella burst out laughing.

I turned my head to see her lying down beside me, laughing hysterically. I knew I was blushing, of course I'd made an idiot of myself when I was just trying to impress her.

I looked at her and she stared at me, making her laugh even harder. And suddenly it was like a movie, I could see her mouth moving as she continued giggling but it was silent. All I could see was the tiny rays of light coming through the branches and hitting her face, sunlight streaking across her eyes and mouth, making her blue eyes and teeth shine. Her hair was straight and beautiful, laying scattered around her face.

In that moment just staring at her as she smiled and laughed at me everything came together. Everything fell into place and I knew somehow somewhere. She stopped laughing, her dimples still in place with a smile and I knew in that instance, that I would marry her and we would live the rest of our lives together, and even when wrinkles and white hairs overtook our young features we would still be as one, holding hands.


	21. your own disaster

**your own disaster  
-taking back sunday-**

_Dear Jake,_

_I have no one to talk to. I have nobody. Matt's parents are distraught, she hasn't be in the hospital in days. There dad is constantly at work. My parents are angry I wasted college money to fly back here. _

_And I know that I don't deserve to have you either. I left you, out of the blue, without saying goodbye, I understand, I do. But please just call me, please I need something to hold on to. I need someone. He's dying, Jake. He's really dying._

_Please_

_allison_

* * *

The thing with Bella was no matter how much I was with her, no matter how much we laughed, fell asleep on the couches, watched TV, biked or went on walks – I never got sick of her. I could be with her everyday all day and I'd still want to see her more. And she seemed to love being with me too, it was amazing.

The only thing was that I didn't want to share her as much, our relationship felt more intimate than Allison's and mine. I didn't want to hang out with her and Quil and Embry too. I just wanted it to be us two, I knew it would slowly start to fade and I'd want to be with her and my friends but for now, as I fell harder and harder every day, I just wanted her to myself.

This left me seeing Bella all the time, only being apart from her when we were at school. And those were the only times I saw Quil and Emery.

"So where've you been?" Emery asked one day at lunch.

"Nowhere," I said, staring at my food.

Quil burst out laughing.

I looked up.

"Nowhere? You've been with Bella. And man, that's totally cool. I'm all about girls and sure you like her, _a lot_. But we're your best friends? And you just decide not to fucking see us anymore?"

I almost faltered. His words hit me hard, because it suddenly hit me that everything he was saying was true. That I was ditching my two best friends, who I'd known my entire life, for a girl that I'd just met. And I opened my mouth and wanted to, with everything in me, to tell them everything. How I felt, how she made me feel, how screwed up everything was because I didn't know if I'd ever tell her, because I knew deep down she'd never be over _him_. I wanted to explain because I knew if I did, they'd understand, they'd back off. They were my best friends, they had to right?

But even though I repeated to myself over and over that they would understand, they would try to help, there was still a voice that told me they'd think I was insane. I mean, I don't know how I'd react if one of them had claimed they had animal characteristics and imprinted on someone. How do you explain something you can't explain to yourself? Believe in it? You couldn't.

I closed my mouth.

"I'm sorry," I muttered, not knowing what to say.

"Yeah me too," Quil said getting up and shoving his tray in the garbage, all his food left uneaten, clanging as it hit the can and went inside. A couple people looked up at the scene. I looked at Quil, pleading for him to stay, but I knew the words would never be said aloud. I watched as he left the cafeteria. I looked over at Embry, he was sitting motionless, concentrating on his food like if he moved his eyes the world would come to an end. The bell rang and he muttered something and got up heading to class.

I put my face in my hands. And the anger built up inside me. Why was this happening to me? What did I do? I got up, shaking. And shoved my tray off the table and listened to it clatter on the cafeteria floor. A bunch of people stared as they walked out to their classes. I didn't care.

"Hey!" came the voice of a Janitor.

I didn't turn to see him coming towards me. I just headed towards the door and pushed it open, breathing in the fresh air. I kept walking, heading behind the portables so no one could find me.

I started walking back towards my house and stopped when I felt the sensation that someone was watching me, the prickles you get in your back when you can feel someone's eyes on your every move.

I looked around, spinning. At the forest, at the road, at the school. I couldn't see anyone. But I could feel them watching me.

If I wasn't so angry, I might have been freaked out, but the anger was still screaming to burst out. I was still shaking. I kept spinning, trying to figure out where the hell the person was, what they were doing.

I heard a rustle in the forest and turned quickly to see a figure heading away.

"Hey!" I screamed, my voice scared me.

The large figure kept walking away.

"Hey!" I yelled a little bit louder, I started walking to the forest, "Show your fucking face, you coward!" I said as I approached the beginning of the trees.

I watched as the figure stopped at my words, it's head turned around.

Sam Uley stared at me, his eyes were black, I could feel something in them, even though he was so far away. And something felt so familiar about the stare, like there was something right there in front of me that I couldn't see, and as my thoughts confused and shook me as I continued staring I swear I could see him shaking too.

* * *

_Jake Black,_

_I'm sorry, I miss you, please just. Please just answer my calls, just for a second. I need you, I'm so sorry for everything._

_Something happened, Matt opened his eyes, and looked right at me. And then the machine showed the straight line, and he started having a seizure. There was blood and… It was horrible. _

_I'm alone in this hospital, all day everyday. The same nurse works every night and lets me stay. I live here, I eat here. _

_This hurts, please Jake._

* * *

Sam Uley had been hanging with a bunch of younger kids recently. Ones I kind of knew but not well enough to ask what was happening. There was some kind of tie with him and his friends, they acted weird and abandoned all of their previous friends. They followed Sam around like little lost puppies, there for his every beck and call. I'd seen him randomly with his gang, his cult. It was starting to scare me, I didn't want to become a part of whatever they were. I wouldn't even have thought that they would, but the fact that I caught him around me, staring at me all the time made me even more nervous.

It was weird and screwed up. I wanted to talk to Quil and Embry about it, I was still mad at them, I wasn't talking to them, it had been a week. During lunch breaks I would stay in the wood shop classes and eat and hang out with some of the guys, or work on different projects. I was being stupid, but I was still mad at them for not understanding, even though it was my fault they didn't, they wouldn't. How could they?

Not talking to them didn't have any positive effect on me. I was feeling angrier, I was shaking and clenching my fists a lot more than I used to, except when I was around her. Her presence calmed and slowed everything down.

After the week passed and another weekend spent with Bella I came to the decision that I was being a complete idiot for avoiding them. I was going to explain everything, let them in so they could help me. Because I knew they _were _my best friends, and they wouldn't leave me like Allison had. No, they were here for me.

So Sunday night after Bella had gone home to finish her homework I got on my bike and headed into town where Embry and Quil lived. I felt relief pouring out of me with the sweat; everything was going to be just fine now. I would apologize and everything would go back to normal, the four of us would start hanging out.

As I rode around the corner near the gas station that we always bought Icies from I saw Sam Uley with his gang. It didn't bother me, I'd keep biking, not making eye contact. I mean the guy freaked me out buy I could avoid him. But as I biked closer I began to slow down until I was stopped, leaning on one leg balanced as I noticed another familiar figure. My heart stopped.

Quil was standing with them, laughing and leaning back on the back of a truck.

But then as quickly as that thought came it past. Because it wasn't Quil who was standing there. But it _should've _been. It made all the sense in the world that Quil would've done something as stupid and irrational as joining Sam Uley's cult, even after the three of us had made fun of him and his "heroism". It would've added together that _Quil_ would've lashed out at me and my sudden abandonment by making new friends with someone I didn't like.

But it wasn't Quil.

A cold and fearful shiver ran down my spine as I watched all the features add up, as I looked to see that it was Embry who stood with Sam. And as they all got into the truck, talking intensely now, I continued staring praying that Embry would see me, get out of the truck and tell me it was all a big joke, it had to be.

Embry did look out the window and I watched as his eyes fell on me, a lone still figure. And as our eyes met, I was shocked to feel such intensity in such a small moment. His eyes were completely blank.

I felt he was just a stranger, I felt that he _wasn't_ my best friend since I'd learned how to walk, like he wasn't _Embry _anymore.

And as he turned away like he'd seen nothing but someone he didn't recognize, I realized: that he wasn't.

* * *

**Sorry it took me so long to update, hope this chapter wasn't too, too bad. Don't worry if you're confused, it'll all make sense soon. 3 thanks fans. reviews please )**

* * *


	22. i'm still breathing

**sorry again for the long wait. i hope you're all enjoying the story (and your summer ) ), please comment, critique and review for me, that would be looovellly. xo xylia.**

* * *

**i'm still breathing  
-katy perry-**

* * *

_Jake,_

_ I'm sorry, I miss you, please just. Please just answer my calls, just for a second. I need you, I'm so sorry for everything._

_ Something happened, Matt opened his eyes, and looked right at me. And then the machine showed the straight line, and he started having a seizure. There was blood and… It was horrible. _

_ I'm alone in this hospital, all day everyday. The same nurse works every night and lets me stay. I live here, I eat here. _

_ This hurts, please Jake_

* * *

Bella knew something was off.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Jake, tell me."

And after a couple more minutes of her nagging I gave in.

"Embry's hanging out with Sam," I said looking down, I didn't want to get emotional, but I knew she saw right through me.

I looked up at her and her face was angry.

"What the hell? Who does he think he is! Who's next?" she yelled.

"I don't know," I muttered, scratching the back of my head. I hadn't been going to class because I didn't want to run into Embry, have to face him now. I wondered how Quil was handling it, he must be just as rattled. I didn't want to face it though, I didn't want to see it and know that it was real. Because all though it scared me, that I'd be next. For some reason it felt inevitable, like there was nothing to stop it. I knew I was next. I didn't tell Bella this, I knew she'd go ballistic.

"Don't worry, I won't let them take you," she said hugging me.

I nodded as I breathed in the scent of her hair. It didn't matter, I knew it was coming. It was only a matter of time.

* * *

The day it happened, I knew it would before it did.

I woke up in the morning, looked out at the cloudy sky and I felt it in my bones, in my blood that today was the day. And it was.

I felt it.

I felt them.

I put on a shirt and pants and walked outside. I got on my bike and went on my way to school.

I was sweating even though it was freezing and as I pushed to get up the hill I stopped when I saw _them _there, waiting.

Embry, Sam and others.

But I wasn't scared, I was completely comfortable and that's what scared me.

And then they told me.

And as I listened, I realized that nothing would ever be the same.

* * *

It was painful. Unbelievably painful, the days it took to become this. To become, a monster.

It wasn't just the transformation. The amount I grew in such little time, it was the overwhelming sensation that overtook me when I realized what this all meant.

When I realized what the Cullens were, what this town really held. What walked among us.

When I realized that Bella must have known, that Bella had dated my enemy, she had dated someone that could kill her, a monster that was made to kill humans.

When I realized that I couldn't tell Bella anything because Sam said I couldn't. I could, and I could lie about it, but there were no secrets.

I didn't like the vulnerability, I didn't like the no secrets. It was so hard to think about it, humans wouldn't be able to wrap there heads around it unless it happened to them.

I mean _everyone _had secrets.

Everyone.

Things they've done in the past that they're ashamed of. Mistakes they've made. Lies they've told. Things they've tried to cover up. All of our embarrassment, all of our evil moments. Imagine, having everything right there in front of you for everyone to see. Following you around, and there was no way to make it all go away.

But it's not even just the secrets, it was also emotions and feelings. As humans, our faces are so complex, we can hide almost anything.

Humans can hide what they truly feel, all day every day. They can be dying on the inside as they smile, they can be shouting and yelling angrily when inside they're broken. But no one knows, no one would ever know.

Not here though.

Here, they know everything. Every thought, emotion and feeling that hits me, they feel it too. It's so frustrating. It's impossible, but it is how I live now.

So yes, its painful. Unbelievably painful to adjust to a life you never thought possible and to realize you'll have to leave people behind.

I would have to leave Bella behind, but how could I? How could I leave someone that I was so attached to, someone that I wanted no matter what, someone I would spend my entire life wanting? Someone I still love more than the stars in the sky, even though she dated a vampire, although she wants my enemy? She loved the reason I was made into this, this monster. She is the reason for what I've become, and I still love her so much, I can't even be mad or upset. How do I leave that behind? That… love.

And that was my first mistake,

Overwhelming myself with everything, and finishing with thinking about Bella. Because it never ended well before, but now I was this, it ended even worse.

I started to shake and I knew it was too late to calm myself now.

I fazed.

And I was thinking, my mind was racing of Bella, always of Bella. And they were out in the forest and they were there. Inside my head.

_Argh, not her again._

_ Jake, get a grip._

_ She dated a blood sucker._

_ Wait – _

Sam's voice came through and all else was quiet.

_This is stronger than normal._

_ It's because he's a pansy, Bella this, Bella that._

_ No, quiet Paul. _

_ Sam, it's fine. There's nothing._

_ Were coming. Stay where you are._

_ What, why the hell are we – _

_ Paul, shut up. Let's go._

I made my way to the front of my house and waited for them. It still amazed me how fast they could travel.

I watched as they piled out of the forest, slowly returning back.

I came back to human and stood watching them as they approached.

"Honestly, get that chick out of your head she makes me sick," Paul exclaimed.

"Quiet," Sam said.

"Why do you want to tell her everything so bad? Just leave it alone, it's a stupid crush! What's she got on you?" Paul interrupted. Sam didn't object.

"I… I don't know?" I replied, glad to be in the comfort of my own skin. Where no one could come and find me.

"It's very strong," Sam said looking at me, "It wouldn't have even a blip on my radar, it wouldn't have mattered at all. But this feeling, these emotions shake me. it doesn't make sense…"

"What? What doesn't make sense…" I asked confused.

"You're what…fifteen? Sixteen? It's a crush, you like her. Paul has had crushes, had girlfriends. It's in our heads, but it's not screaming like yours."

"I… like her a lot…" I lied.

"Yes you do, but it's not normal," Sam said staring at me. He looked down and took a deep breath, looking up at me straight in the eye, "I have Emily. She is everything to me, my whole world, we're actually together. I have been in love with her for many years, she is my counter part. And your feelings are just as strong for this, this girl."

I looked at my feet. I knew I shouldn't have thought about her. I'd locked myself up and hadn't answered the phone, Billy had answered if it all saying I wasn't home, that I was sick, any excuse he could come up with. I had bottled it all up, her anger, her tears that must be destroying her. I didn't want to think about it and then the second I'd opened up my head to it, it had come crushing like a tidal wave.

I had tried not to think about her, but now it had all come out and I wish I could put it away again, Sam was going to figure this out, what would they do then? When they'd realized what had happened with me and the lover of a vampire?

More minutes passed as Sam continued thinking. I looked up at Embry and he looked back at me evenly, he gave a small smile and I gave a small one back. Things weren't back to normal, not even close, but I was glad that Embry and I were okay now, if only Quil… I don't know. Then came Sam's voice:

"You've imprinted."

I looked up so fast I thought my neck would snap. He knew of imprinting? It actually existed?

Sam looked surprised at my reaction, "And you know you have too, don't you? Well, I've never, wow – "

Paul looked at me envious, "How could he, he just became…"

Sam looked at me again, "You imprinted before you became a werewolf…" he said almost to himself, "That's… that's impossible, I've never heard of it ever happening."

"But it's normal?" I asked, desperate, for anything.

"Imprinting, oh yes. It's very common…I, I imprinted on Emily," he said, his eyes drifting away somewhere else for a second. He snapped back to reality, "I know how you feel. I know how nothing else matters, the world revolves around them, and it's inevitable, forever. But it happened to me, and everyone else that has ever imprinted, well when they were a werewolf, the characteristics we take on only happen once we've changed and really become what we are. It doesn't make sense that you did, before… everything."

"From the moment I saw her on the beach that day," I muttered.

"Well this is interesting, I'll have to sleep on it. You're normal, you're exactly like us the only thing I can think of…is that she's not."

"She's not normal?"

"Well, she's normal. But different…think about it. I mean, she made you imprint before you changed… that's well, amazing..."

I nodded.

He kept thinking and it was silent, no one else had really said anything.

He looked up, "Well, I think we best be getting some rest for tonight. From the smell of it, we won't be sleeping much once _their _scent gets stronger and closer."

Everyone nodded and started on home, we said our goodbyes.

I walked into my house and into my bedroom, lying on my bed.

Relief poured out of me, I was so relieved, but so confused. Was there really something different about Bella? Was there something I couldn't see that made her so different, so unique?

It got me thinking about Edward.

Had he noticed anything? Had he realized her differences, had she made him feel impossible things? Was she just as unique to their world as she now seemed to be for ours?

I stopped myself.

I was being an idiot. It was just a mishap, a mistake in our already screwed up system. I didn't want to think of Edward. Not after all that I'd learned.

And slowly I slipped into darkness, falling asleep to the sound of the phone ringing. _._

* * *


	23. i will follow you into the dark

**Hey readers, Some of you have been commenting about Jake's depressed and morbid life, claiming that he has always been an outgoing and happy person. **

**I do not believe that. Stephenie Meyer hardly references to Jacob, his past or his thoughts in any of the books, except for a bit in Eclipse. His life, his home life, his thoughts, his sadness of Bella is hidden. I'm simply trying to bring more light into the struggle Jake dealt with, while we were reading about Bella's. But don't worry, cocky, confident Jake is still on the way. I just wanted to show a different side of him, the part of him that hides behind his arrogant smile.**

**I will follow you into the dark**

**- death cab for cutie –**

* * *

_Dear Jake,_

_Why won't you answer me. How could you do this to me, after everything? I thought we had something, I thought we were something. And you just abandon me, I didn't leave you forever I'm coming back, I needed to leave. I needed to come here, he's going to leave me any day now, I need to spend every last second with him, why can't you understand that?_

_I hate you. I hate what you're doing. _

_What happened that made you change? This is not who you are._

_Please_

* * *

I was in agony. The phone did not stop ringing. Bella was calling non-stop and I couldn't do anything or say anything. I needed to stay away from her, I wasn't allowed to tell her.

But what about all my promises? I'd promised never to hurt her the way Edward had, the way he still did, abandoning her every day he never came home.

I cringed.

I'd abandoned her too. What if she went back, back to the Bella she'd been before? Black eyes, gaunt, lost and empty. I looked at the clock, it was theh middle of the night. The only time the phone wouldn't ring.

I got up from my bed and headed out the back door, I fazed and ran to Bella's.

I turned back and stood outside her house, twenty minutes later. I threw rocks at her window. Waiting. It didn't open. I looked at the side of her house and knew it would be the only way to get to her. I _needed _to see her.

I climbed up the side, I heard the crack as I broke some of the trellis's that weaved up the side. But it didn't matter, she was all that was in my mind. I got to her window sill and opened up the unlocked window.

_Dammit Bella,_ I thought. Who knows what else could get in here?

I heard a gasp and looked over to see her staring at me, scared.

"Bella, it's me," I said and saw her eyes portray a thousand different emotions at the same time. Fear, anger, sadness, suspicion, and joy.

"Jake," she said running towards me, she would've bounced off me and fallen but I'd grabbed on to her. I held her tight, remembering these seconds for when I needed them.

She pushed off me and smacked me in the chest, "How _dare _you!" she screamed. I let her continue punching me, I didn't feel a thing.

"Bella – "

"No! How could you! I've been worried sick! You've fallen off the face of the earth, you don't answer my calls, Billy's covering for you. I can't contact you, I've been a wreck! Where the hell have you been!"

I looked down at my feet, I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell her.

"You've been hanging out with Sam Uley," she said, quietly this time. My head turned up and I looked at her, she was scared.

"Bella, it's not what you think. It's not what I thought it was – "

"Is that what he told you to tell me? You're in it now too aren't you? You're one of them. Jake, just tell me what's going on, I'll help you. We can get you out of there, I can talk to Charlie, I can – "

"No Bella," I said firmly, "This is who I am now. I'm not leaving Sam. I –"

"Oh your new best friend huh? You won't leave him, but you'll leave _me,"_ she said angrily, but her voice cracked on "me", "You won't leave him but you'll leave Quil!" she yelled.

My heart stuttered.

Quil.

She saw my reaction, "Yeah, Quil. Remember your best friend? The one you did everything with? I saw him walking alone down the road. He was so upset Jake, I've never seen him like that. And you know why he's a mess? Because of you. This is all your fault."

"Stop yelling, you're going to wake up Charlie!" I hissed.

"I don't care, bring him in here maybe then I can get him to knock some sense into you."

"Bella – "

"No! I can't believe you would – "

"Bella."

"Just tell me what is going on."

"I – "

"Just tell me!" she hissed.

"I can't tell you."

She lunged at me, throwing punches everywhere, "I. Can't. Believe. You!"

"I can't tell you, but you can guess," I said, holding her tight and whispering in her ear.

She stopped fighting me, and I felt her fall into me.

She guessed things, but she didn't get it. Looking at her I knew she was exhausted.

"Bella, think about it okay. Then get back to me. I won't break my promise to you." _And I love you. _But those words remained unsaid. I stared at her sleepy eyes.

"Okay," she murmured.

I picked her up and placed her gently in her bed, laying her head down and putting the covers over her. I lied down beside her, putting her hair behind her ear over and over. I kissed her forehead and watched as she breathed softly.

Suddenly, I smelt something and my nose was on fire. I looked out the window and saw a figure disappear as quickly as it was there.

_Blood sucker, _I thought angrily. The female one, the one that was following Bella. I still hadn't told her, I wanted to get rid of the problem before I told her, it would do nothing but scare her and she had enough to worry about all the time.

I got up quietly, not wanting to disturb her. I went to the window sill and saw the figure heading for the woods. I jumped out the window and landed on my two hands and feet. I wasn't going to faze, I didn't want the guys following me, I wanted to finish this vampire on my own.

It had disappeared inside the forest but I could smell it. I didn't know why it hadn't turned on me, since I probably smelt just as bad.

I saw the figure moving fast again. What was wrong with it? Why hadn't it attacked Bella and I when we'd been lying down, half asleep? Was I really that intimidating?

I heard a huge crack and jumped at the sound. I started running in the way of the direction.

I came to a stop when I saw a tree, uprooted and broken in half in the middle of the forest. There was no lightning, no it had been the vampire. Why was it so angry? Why wasn't she attacking me, I was defenseless in this form, but I didn't care. The anger I had for it made me feel strong, I would destroy anything that would touch Bella.

I heard more cracks, as more trees and rocks went flying. An angry display. I slowed to a jog and quietly creeped in between trees, not wanting to be seen. I would attack quietly.

I walked to a tree and spotted her.

Trees were broken and surrounded, rocks cracked in a giant clearing.

But as I looked closer I realized it wasn't a female at all.

The figure's shoulders were heaving from the anger, from the destruction of so many things. But I stood mesmerized as I watched it collapse to it's knees. And as it's shoulders continued heaving I realized that it wasn't angry anymore, that soft sobs were erupting from it's chest.

And for the tiniest moment, I felt a stab in my chest for this poor creature. As it sat and cried and only after the moment passed did I realize what was happening.

It was Edward.

He had come back for her.

He had come back, and had found her sleeping in bed with me.

And as much hate as I had for him, I did nothing.

Because I knew what it was like to get your heart broken, and I wished it on no one. Especially what Edward and Bella had had, I would not deny that she had loved him but I _had _denied Edward loving her, as he had left. But his sudden return had caught me off guard.

I backed up quickly and began running.

He had seen what he had seen and even if it was out of context, even if Bella and I weren't really together, I wanted him to believe it, to leave forever.

I was being selfish. But at the same time I was protecting her. If he had had the power to break her, what would happen if he came back into her life? I wouldn't let him do that to her again.

I ran back home, knowing in the morning Bella will have pieced everything together, she will know everything. And I prayed she'd accept me anyway.

We would be together.

And as I thought of her I smiled, it was _our _time now.

It was our time.

I opened the door quietly, knowing it was the middle of the night and looked over to see Billy sleeping on the kitchen table.

I walked over slowly, looking at the mess around him. As I came closer I realized he was surrounded in pictures and albums. I stopped at the table and picked some up, understanding what they were.

There were pictures of _her_.

A women I recognized but didn't know at all.

I stared at all the pictures of the three of us. In the colourful autumn leaves, in the snow, on all the dark days. Both of them laughing and smiling and holding me.

Pictures of Billy on two legs, standing. Photographs taken before his accident.

I stared at one. A black and white close up of the woman kissing my face with her eyes wide open, my eyes shut and my mouth open showing tiny baby teeth, smiling with glee.

I stared long and hard trying to remember something, any type of recollection, but nothing came to my head. I had blocked out every memory of her, since the day she walked out our front door and never came back.

I ripped the black and white picture as my angry tears spotted the table.

Anger started to consume me as I thought angrily as to why Billy would leave this out, why he would even bring it up. When all it did was cause pain. The woman had left her four year old and husband with no warning, never contacting again.

I took all the pictures around his arms and snoring head and threw them in a brown grocery bag left on the ground. I walked outside the door and threw them into our metal garbage can, taking a match that lay beside the barbecue and throwing it inside, watching as the flames destroyed any evidence that I ever had a mother.


	24. heartbeats

**Heartbeats**

**Jose Gonzales**

**Sorry again for the wait. I have many chapters to add ). **

**Just to let you know, the story is now going to stray a lot from the books… things will be different than they are in any of the novels. Thanks, again. Please review, I really appreciate it. **

**enjoyy**

**xylia xo**

* * *

_Jake,_

_I left a plane ticket for you. I put all my savings in… I'm sorry that there's no long distance phone calls, I'm broke now… but I see that maybe you wouldn't even answer them. Please, I'm begging you, please come see me. I just need a friend. _

_love_

_allison_

* * *

Oh, Bella had figured it out alright. She'd come to me the next day and after she'd guessed, I explained everything. She'd forgiven me for ignoring her, for being so cruel. I guess the months we'd spent inseparable had made up for it.

She wasn't scared of me, she still wanted to be friends with me. I was smiling ear to ear, I couldn't stop smiling. I couldn't remember being this happy in so long. It felt like such a burden was off my shoulders, relief poured out of me. Even after I'd yelled, been horrible, bringing up the Cullens, watching as her face fell apart when I mentioned the two-syllable word. It had killed her. But it was okay now, she knew everything and she was okay.

I knew I was still not telling her the whole truth, that really I had imprinted on her. But I would wait, until we were together to tell her all that. And as she sat and talked to me and we laughed I realized that in this screwed up world I'd suddenly found myself in, she was the only thing that made sense.

I woke up Saturday morning to the sun pouring in on my face. I'd never been really convinced by the books and movies that claimed that people's moods depended on the weather, when you lived in a place where the weather was always the same, it was hard to be mobile. And if it were true then everyone in Forks and La Push would probably have committed suicide a long time ago. I chuckled.

But no, not this morning. This morning I felt awesome. The sun changed my mood, for the better. I was smiling.

The weather helped, but it also had to do with the fact the same beautiful face filled my very first thought of every morning.

Bella.

And after I'd dropped the bomb, after I'd told her everything about the monster that I was, she'd still accepted me. Our friendship was still as natural as breathing. Every colour seemed brighter. I felt like today was a good day to bring her in to my world, a little more.

She was going to meet my family.

I knocked on her door, noticing that Charlie wasn't home. The cruiser was no where to be seen, he was probably out fishing with the Clearwaters.

Bella showed up, her eyes bright. Her hair was a mess on top of her head and she was covered in her raggy, ripped sweatshirt and sweatpants.

"Well hello… uhm… sleeping, beauty?" I stuttered.

She smiled and punched me lightly in the shoulder.

"You know you can call before you come, so I can try to well cover," she motioned to her appearance, "_this_." She laughed.

"And miss the opportunity to see Bella Swan at her finest? Never!"

She narrowed her eyes at me.

"I'm going to go shower… I'm sure there's a bone somewhere for you to chew."

I hit my chest with both my hands, "Oh my god, my heart… slowly…breaking," I said feigning that I was insulted.

She stuck her tongue out at me and ran upstairs.

I waited the twenty or so minutes it took for her to wash and get changed. She came downstairs her hair wet, leaving marks on her royal blue shirt.

"That colour looks really good on you," I said, before I'd even thought it out.

She looked down, like she didn't even remember what shirt she'd put on. She blushed and forced a smile.

"Thanks. I haven't worn it in a while. Thought a change would be nice," she said, the smile still looked forced on her face.

"Well I understand it's probably tough on your self esteem," I replied.

She looked up, surprised.

"With having such a ridiculously good looking best friend, I mean," I said smiling widely. Her face showed a sign of a relief and she laughed.

"I've never been really attracted to the canine species…"

"Seriously, stop cracking the dog jokes. It's _extremely _offensive," I said sarcastically. She laughed.

I stared at her face as it continued to be beautifully touched by laugh lines. She was so naïve to how beautiful she was, how a smile on her face lit up my whole world. She was like nothing else I'd ever seen, even when I'd found her half-dead months ago. But when she was beaming, there were no words. It still dumbfounded the hell out of me how Edward could have left her, especially when smiling was her main act when ever she'd been with him. I shook my head, trying to get him out of my head, but I knew he'd always be there at the very back of my mind, threatening to escape.

"Alright, let's go!" I shouted.

"Where we going?" she asked.

I held out my hand.

She walked up and took it.

"It's a surprise," I winked and we both ran out the door.

"Jake! W-where are we g-going!" she shouted, between breaths and fits of laugher as we both ran down her driveway and out to the main road.

I stopped and turned, she slid right into me but I helped cushion her fall, altering my body a bit farther back so she didn't feel the impact.

I looked down at her, her face was close and she was looking at me with innocent eyes.

I smiled down at her. She was all mine.

"I'm going to show you where I am when I'm not with you."

"I do _not _want to go to the video arcade," she replied.

I laughed and took her arm, swinging her on top of my back and took her off running, "Really? I thought you'd love to see my moves for Dance Dance Revolution. I'm a real crowd pleaser," I joked.

"Silly Jacob. People aren't there watching you dance, there simply gawking in fear at your awkwardly obese size."

"Really? I never thought drool was a reaction to fear? I mean the janitor has to mop at least once every hour with all the girls watching."

She burst out laughing. I grinned.

I continued running towards La Push. Some cars drove by, people gawking, just as Bella had put it, at my size and the fact that the young girl on my back did not slow me down. I was sprinting.

"I don't think I could ever bring you to see though. The chance of you dancing in front of people gives me the chills."

"I'm not that bad!" she said slapping me playfully.

"Yeah, you're worse." I replied as we finally made it into La Push. I kept running until I made a quick turn into the forest.

"Jake! What the hell!" she shrieked as she ducked into the back of me neck.

"Oh, right. Sorry. Keep your head down!" I laughed as we ran past trees, bushes and branches.

"Jake! Not so fast! I'm going to throw up!" she shouted.

I stopped immediately and if I hadn't gripped her legs she would've sailed over my head.

"Yeah, do that. Real smart when someone's nauseous," she said as I put her down.

I looked at her, her face _was _a little green.

"Baby," I muttered.

She turned to me, "Human, actually."

I rolled my eyes, "Come on," I said as we began walking, I held out my hand.

She tried to walk past me without taking my hand. I put my arm in front of her.

"Oh, no you don't."

She crossed her arms, "I am _not _holding your hand."

"Aw, our first fight, how adorable."

She narrowed her eyes, "Our first? Have you even been here for the past few months?" she replied evenly.

"You're so cute when you're mad," I said smiling, knowing it would only make her even madder.

"Jacob Black!" she screamed as she pounced for me. I caught her in my arms.

"Really? You're going to try and attack a 6'5 Werewolf? All one hundred and ten pounds of you? Bella, has high school taught you _nothing?" _

"I told you it was a waste of time," she said, a smile curling at her lips.

I furrowed my eyebrows, "I'm pretty sure _I _was the one who told you that. You're the one who gets mad when I skip."

"That's because with such little knowledge people will start thinking your, you know, handicapped."

I dropped her. Softly, of course.

"Oomf!" she exclaimed as she landed on the loam covered in leaves.

I put out my hand, "Come now, princess."

"I told you _no!" _she said looking at my hand like it was made of snakes.

"You're _really _going to try and walk through this," I said motioning to the roots, branches and rocks that surrounded the uneven forest ground. It was marked as a Bella disaster waiting to happen.

"Yes, yes I am," she said, stubborn as always.

"Alright, whatever you say."

It was only about five minutes before she tripped and headed down. Of course I was there to catch her. I grabbed her hand and put it in mine, gently and she frowned. Like a little kid who thought they were all grown up and tough, not wanting to hold their mother's hand when they crossed the big, bad road.

"I'm a big girl," she muttered.

"Yes you are!" I said excitedly, like she was a five year old. I knew she'd love that one.

She tried to wiggle her way out of my grip but her knuckles were interlocked with mine.

After some more walking I finally saw the house.

Emily and Sam's. I smiled but my winced when images flew through my mind. Catching me off guard.

Me holding Allison's hands as we made our way down.

Quil doing obnoxious somersaults as we made our way to the then mysterious house.

Allison crying as she told me everything.

Holding her as she shook uncontrollably in fear.

Allison.

Allison.

Allison.

I hadn't thought about her in so long. I'd almost – no I would never forget her. Never. She had saved me, many times over. But where was she now? What had happened? Why hadn't I heard from her. There hadn't been any phone calls, not one. Not even a letter.

Was Matt alive and better? Was she with him? Was he doing worse? Was he alive?

But more than anything I wanted to know how she was. If she was okay.

A shiver ran down my spine as I realized I had _no _idea. I didn't know anything and I had no way to contact her. I had no idea where she was and knowing her she was letting her parents on very little of what was going on. They'd changed their whole lives to make hers better and finally when they'd settled and thought that maybe things were going to be okay, she'd run right back into the fire.

"Whoa!" Bella screamed as she almost face planted after tripping on a root. I had a grip on her hand and balanced her back, she flew into me like we were dancing.

She smiled looking up at me, "My hero," she said jokingly.

And as I looked into her eyes I forgot everything else.

* * *

The next morning, I felt even better than the day before. Even though the sun wasn't shinning (because that would never _ever _happen here), I still felt somehow settled. I couldn't put the feeling into words, just… comfortable, or safe or full of relief.

Bella had met everyone and they'd all gotten long. She was my world and my family had loved her and she'd loved them. It was all I could really hope for, as we would all be together for some time to be, hopefully.

I got up, through on some shorts and a t-shirt looking at the clock. 9:39am. Bella was up, she didn't sleep in much.

I got dressed and ran over to her house, appearing a bit after ten. I knocked on the door.

A couple minutes later, an obviously tired and groggy Bella answered the door, "Oh, hi Jake…" she murmured, motioning for me to step inside.

I stayed outside, a good few feet away. I didn't want to bother her if she'd just been sleeping, "Bella, I'm sorry did I wake you up? I thought you'd be up…" I replied.

"Oh, yeah. I know I usually don't sleep in, but I had trouble getting to sleep last night," she said rubbing her makeupless eyes.

"Aw, did Bella watch a scary movie?" I said, talking to her in a baby voice.

"No. Knowing that Victoria is still out there somewhere is scarier than any stupid horror movie. And I know, I know you're watching out for me," she began as she heard me start a sentence, "But even thinking of you guys running into her gives me chills."

It made my body get warm. _You guys_. She was worried about us, all of us.

"Bella, she won't ever get near you. We'll protect you, I swear," I said starting to get angry.

"I know… I just, my window was opened last night… in the middle of the night. I thought I'd heard something and I woke up and it was opened…. and I _know _I closed it when I went to sleep and locked it after all the heck you gave me for it… so when I saw it open, well it creeped me out. I think she might have been here."

My eyes flashed to Bella's scared ones. She was here? She'd been here? A million questions raced through my mind. Why hadn't I stayed with her last night? I was an idiot for passing out at my own house. What if Victoria had hurt her? But suddenly my throat went dry. Because all the information me and the pack had been discussing finally came opened up in my mind and all the pieces fell together. Victoria _wasn't_ around, she hadn't been for a while, we'd been tracking her scent and she was still miles and miles away.

There was only one other vampire that would've gone to see Bella.

"Did you come visit me?" she asked timidly, frightened by my silence, I looked down at her hopeful eyes.

I was silent, "Yeah, I did. Sorry, I must've forgotten to close it," I lied.

"Jake! Well what's the point of locking it if everyone can still just come in? A lock isn't going to stop Victoria or any other monster. No offence," she added.

"Don't stop locking it," I said firmly.

She smiled, "I thought I'd felt someone's arms around me. But most of the time it's usually a dream."

I was trying hard to breathe. Edward had been with her last night.

"Hey Jake," she said waving her hand in front of my face, I came back to attention, "Wake me up next time okay? And just tell me you're there, don't be embarrassed. But you know, you don't _need_ to watch me, I swear I'll be okay," she said but I knew she was lying. I knew she was scared to death and that she was comforted knowing that I was watching her closely. But I could also feel the guilt she wore knowing that the closer I got to her, the closer I was to danger.

I was angry at myself. What if Victoria had come over and taken a stroll into her room? From now on, I would be with her every night. Maybe not in the room or bed, I didn't want to push anything. But I would watch over her and her house, I would make sure everyone did. Not only did I want her safe from Victoria, I didn't want any chance of her seeing Edward. The image of her standing outside my garage that day sprung back to me and I winced, the picture was unbearable.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I'll let you know. I think I was just tired and I passed out, I'll watch from outside don't worry…I –"

She walked out the doorway and right up to me throwing her skinny arms around me, hugging me. She nuzzled in my chest.

"Don't leave me," she whispered.

I hugged her back and went down to kiss the top of her head but was repulsed by the strong scent. I kept my movements to a minimum, so I wouldn't scare her. But I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes from being in such close contact to such a foul smell.

Vampire.

And as I suffered through the strong scent, I hugged her even harder.

Promising I'd never let go.


	25. somebody else's arms

**Please Review. **

**And to answer all your questions... keep reading ).**

* * *

**Somebody else's arms  
Armor for sleep**

I tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. Taking in her beautiful scent. Staring at her beautiful serene face, she was at peace.

She was okay.

Charlie turned around in his sleep, twisting. Recurring nightmares played through his mind. Each and every image of Bella, back then, sent a shot of pain through my chest. I winced, looking in his head, willing myself to stop but unable to.

I deserved it.

I deserved every pain that hit me, for doing this to her.

I did this to her.

Her gaunt eyes. Her silence. Her loneliness. The silent sound of her heart breaking, each and every day I didn't return, Charlie left to pick up the pieces. Losing all of her friends. The catatonic place she'd been in the night Sam had found her.

I felt moisture at the back of my eyes, even though I knew tears would never escape me, I didn't have that luxury. I wish they could, it would make the pain worse, make me feel more. It was as if someone was torturing me, but not enough to make me scream, not enough to kill me. I was so near it I could taste it, but at the same time I was nowhere close.

I stared at her perfect face and nestled closer to her. Pushing her hair behind her ear, over and over again.

I could stare at her the rest of my life.

She stirred a bit, but the serenity was still there. She was happy.

Without me.

I'd expected this…but at the same time I'd wished more than life itself that it couldn't be true. I thought I would come back, and that she would be waiting, arms open. The way I'd pictured it in my mind, in my dreams if that were possible.

I began to remember the awful months I'd spent away from her…

Nothing had been the same since I'd left her.

No matter where I went, what I smelt, who I saw or what I did, nothing was beautiful. Nothing held any meaning. Everything was pointless.

But every object lead to thoughts of her, of her smell, her touch. Of her beauty.

But I had stayed away, I had. The thought of losing her due to things outside of my control. Putting her in continuous danger, I was _so _dangerous to her. Me and everything that came along with it. My enemies and even worse my family, my friends.

I thought after a couple of months the pain would ease. The agony would start to slow. But the 'out of sight, out of mind' quotes I'd read in the many books I'd owned, had no connection to me whatsoever. She wasn't in my sight, but she was the only thought that filled my mind. I'd left my family days after we'd left, I couldn't stand to be near them because I knew they couldn't stand to see me like this. It killed Alice the most. I wouldn't do this to them.

But after I continued to lay curled, shaking in the deserts, in the forests, in the jungles. All alone, for days. I realized that this ache would never stop. That she was now and forever, my only one. There would never be another. It was pointless forever. The only thing that had kept me alive, had kept me from going to see _them_, was her. Were thoughts of her, that she was alive and healing, recovering. She was still existing in a world, so far from mine. And as the nights continued to protrude darkness, she was my star, she was the light that made me survive.

But soon I realized that I couldn't just live with her starlight, her memory. I wanted her – needed her, here with me. I couldn't spend another second without her.

I had made a huge mistake.

I had many mistakes in my lifetime. It wasn't easy dealing with hundreds of years of failure and regrets, but it was bearable.

This was not.

I didn't stop for days, only to feed on deer or elks. Only for tiny moments, seconds. All that was on my mind was her, and it was enough motivation to carry on forever. In days I was there.

I was back in Forks.

The place where my un beating heart had both broken and opened for the first times. Feelings I had never experienced, not once in the decades upon decades.

And I stood outside her house. Unable to focus, unable to smell, unable to keep attention to anything except her.

My Bella.

I looked up at her window.

She was only steps, only moments away from me. In a matter of seconds, she would be in my arms. If she still wanted me through everything.

But even if she didn't, even if it was all too much to forgive, seeing her face for the first time in months would be enough.

I looked at the window again, nerves sending jolts through me. Nervousness. Anxiety.

Feelings I'd never really experienced before. She'd brought out every human emotion in me. She'd made me feel human in little ways that no one else could. I was always very aware of what I was when I was with her. She was too breakable for my thoughts to drift elsewhere, but for some tiny seconds when she'd looked at me, really looked at me. It had stunned me how perfect I'd felt in her eyes. It had amazed me how she'd accepted me as a lover instead of the monster that I was.

And as I made my way to her I stopped. Wincing.

The memories I wished to forget flew back, like it had been just yesterday.

_"You…don't…want…me?" she'd stuttered._

_I'd never seen such fear in someone's eyes. Never. Not in any of the victims I'd killed over the years. I wasn't killing her, I was saving her. Couldn't she see that? Why didn't she understand? I was a monster, I would do nothing but destroy her and her life. I would put her in constant danger? Why didn't she understand! Why did she have to make this harder._

_"_I will always want you. You are the end all and be all of my existence, you are everything. I love you Bella Swan, now and always," were the words I should've said.

_I'd been so close to saying the words, so close. The only thing that had stopped me was her, her safety. Realizing that yes, I could be selfish and keep her but who would be to blame if something had happened to her? I couldn't live with myself knowing that I'd be the reason for her fall, for her d – no, I wouldn't think about that._

_"No," is what I answered. Putting as much force into my voice as possible. Couldn't she see through it? Couldn't she tell I was breaking, all granite and rock that I was made of, cracking piece by piece? _

_Oh God._

_I left, I disappeared before I could bear another second. I heard her voice...  
_

_Oh God._

_What have I done, what have I done._

_Oh God._

_I'd winced continuously in pain, this was unbearable. But I continued to run, to get as far away from her as possible. I was danger. I was dangerous to my Bella. But she wasn't mine anymore. She would never be. _

_Oh God. _

I shook the memory away. No I loved her. I loved her.

I jumped up to her windowsill and peered inside.

Nothing could've prepared me for what I saw next.

My Bella wrapped up with Jacob Black.

I should've been prepared, or at least known that this could've been a possibility. But I hadn't thought about it.

A smell burned my nose, but the anxiety that was shaking me left me with no time to think and figure out what it was.

I turned and jumped. Hearing as his breathing changed, he'd woken up.

I didn't care though. Nothing mattered anymore.

I left.

The image was burned in my head.

Bella & Jacob.

I ran.

* * *

I stared at her face now, realizing that she would never be mine again. But she was happy now, she had found someone, someone in the world that would keep her safe. That's all I needed. Jacob finally had what I'd known he'd wanted. She was his star now.

She was safe, she was happy. She was okay, wasn't this what I had come back to see? Just to make sure. I knew there was a voice in that back of my head telling me otherwise, but I buried it. If she was happy, I was happy.

I held her, for the last time. Looked at her long eyelashes and perfect mouth, savoring each part of her for times that would come soon, when I needed them, when I needed her. I kissed her forehead, her smell filled my nose. Her warm skin.

"I love you Bella Swan, forever," I said quietly, as I hummed our lullaby for the last time.

I would leave her now and I would never come back. She was happy now. That was all I needed.

That was all I needed.

I got up and backed away. Watching her eyes move animatedly under her eyelids, a smile touched her lips.

And for once in my life I was happy I couldn't read her mind, knowing that the only images that filled it now were of Jacob.

I was forgotten.

I disappeared.

* * *

--

--

b e l l a

He was there, suddenly. In my dreams. The music, my lullaby.

"Edward," I murmured, my eyes went wide.

And I shot awake, sitting up and looking around. I smelt something so familiar, so magical, it couldn't be. I smelt home.

I looked around my room frantically, for anything. Touching my cold face, a shiver ran down my spine. I looked and saw that my window was opened; I got up shakily and closed it, looking outside for anything. But there was nothing. There was always nothing. Dreams were all I'd ever have of him. I shook my head angrily. I was being stupid, he wasn't here. He was never coming home.

I turned and looked around my room. My eyes moved to the chair where he used to sit. The one where he'd rock and stare at me with that crooked smile, I cringed at the memory

But the chair was empty.

My room was empty.

I was alone.

* * *


	26. we walk

**we walk**

**the ting tings**

* * *

b e l l a

**-**

**-**

"Cliff diving? That looks fun," I said as I watched some of the Quileute boys, jump from the mountain. Of course I'd freaked out when I'd seen the first boy jump, Jacob had quickly filled me in that they weren't jumping to their doom, simply having fun.

I wondered for the tiniest moment, what voices I would hear if I jumped.

"Don't even _think _about it. I mean, motorcycling may stop Charlie from talking to me the rest of my life, but _that," _he said motioning to the cliff, "That, would get me killed."

He took my arm gently and dragged me back to my motorcycle, "Now, put your helmet back on."

I crossed myarms, pouting, "Why do I have to be the only _mortal _around here?"

Jacob laughed.

I grudgingly put my helmet on and motorcycled back to Jacob's place. No falling, or cutting anything open. Jake was super impressed, so was I. I drove my truck home and landed on my bed, exhausted. The day before came back to my head and I smiled.

* * *

_We'd walked through the little cottage door. I'd been unbelievably nervous. Meeting his family, his brothers, his best friends. After everything. After they knew everything about me. Me. Vampire Girl. I knew they were only here because of the Cu – the vampires. And I was all that was left, what if they held it against me... _

"_Honey, I'm home," Jacob said jokingly to his brothers as we closed the door behind us. He took my hand gently._

_"Oh shnumpkins, I've been worried about you all day!" Quil's voice sang girlishly from another room._

_I laughed nervously._

_We walked to the other room. My eyes went wide. I didn't understand how _so _many people fit into such a small room, comfortably. Or at least they weren't complaining if they weren't. But it wasn't just five people, it was five overly large, six footer guys. One I didn't recognize, was lying down on the sofa with a controller in his hand watching the TV intently, Embry was on the end. Sam had his arms wrapped around a girl on the floor, both sat watching Quil and the other boy play some videogame on the small screened TV. _

_I was in awe. I'd never seen a room reeking of such, family, such comfort. All their faces were glowing and they all just looked like they belonged there. There was no tension or anger or fear, just home. _

_Quil looked up at the doorway, "Well, if it isn't vampire girl!"_

_Everyone's eyes followed his and landed on me. I froze. I regained composure when Jacob squeezed my hand. I saw Jacob roll his eyes at Quil and look down at me, to see if I was okay. I was okay. _

_I started yanking on Jacob's arm, pointing to Quil, "A golden retriever! Please, please _please _can I have it!" I asked childishly._

_Quil laughed, "__It's _called_ a werewolf."_

"_And it talks too!" I'd exclaimed. _

_I heard a couple laughs, I looked over to see Sam smiling. _

_I than starting taking in all the other appearances, all the other people in Jake's life now. I knew Quil and Embry... I waited for Jacob to introduce._

_"This is Sam," he said motioning to him, after he realized we were all waiting. _

_I nodded and smiled._

_The first thoughts that came to my head were those of anger. He'd' been the one that had made me so fearful for Jake. I'd held him responsible, as some cult leader who'd taken my best friend away, for a week or more. A week I didn't want to remember. I'd hated him so much. And now that I'd finally learned the truth and gotten all the answers I didn't hate him at all._

_Then a memory came in to my head._

_In the forest, alone, shaking. He was gone._

_The flashlight in my eye._

_And then…nothing._

_I snapped my eyes shut for a brief second, wishing it away._

_"Yes, I think we've met," I said opening my eyes and smiling with more force, I hope they wouldn't notice. _

_"Yes we have. This is my Emily," he said in a booming voice. I looked at the girl beside him, she turned and looked at me straight on. I refused to be surprised, or to flinch as I saw all the scars on the side of her face that turned her mouth in a lopsided grimace. They looked like claw marks. I wondered had happened, if there had been an accident…who had done them… hopefully Jake would bring it up so I wouldn't have to feel so rude._

_"Emily, very nice to meet you," I replied, smiling. _

"_And you, vampire girl," she replied pleasantly. I didn't know if there was any other remarks meant by her comment, but I shrugged it off._

_"You know Quil and Embry… and this is Paul," he said motioning to the giant figure covered in chips on the couch, an abandoned Ruffles bag on the floor beside him._

_"Hi," I said quietly. He hadn't looked up or acknowledged my presence._

_Embry elbowed him from the end._

"_What?" he exclaimed, clearly concentrated in the intense racing game at hand. "Hello," he said dully, looking me straight in the eye. He made me uncomfortable. The feeling of home and family disappeared for a brief second while I contemplated his dark look, he didn't want me here. I didn't belong here. He turned back to the game. _

_"Excuse him," Jacob said, walking over to him and smacking him over the head, "He enjoys acting like he was raised by wolves."_

_"Jake," I said quietly. It wasn't a big deal, I totally understood why he might not want me around. It didn't mean Jake had to go over and hit him. But of course, this was Jake we were talking about._

_Paul paused the game. _

"_Paul," Sam said calmly._

_Paul stood up, he was still shorter than Jacob but now that two of them were standing in the tiny room inside the tiny cottage, the room seemed to become six hundred times smaller._

_"What are you going to do?" Jacob taunted, a huge grin spread across his tan face._

_Paul just kept looking at him, an angry snarl starting at his lips._

"_Stop," Sam said firmly, "Or get out of the house."_

_Jacob kept looking down, smiling at Paul. Paul looked so much smaller than him, but I knew he towered over me just as bad._

_"Jake," I said, testing. Watching him. _

"_Sh," he said to me, turning to me for a brief second to wink._

_And that was his first mistake._

_Paul struck him, hard and fast in the stomach. I thought I heard a crunch or a crack, but I wasn't sure. _

_"Jake!" I squealed._

_Immediately the scene changed. I was in a tiny living room, with two angry werewolves. Embry effortlessly grabbed me and quickly, but carefully moved me behind him as he stood up watching his two friends. I looked around him to see Sam protecting Emily in the same way, his face was furious._

_Jacob turned back to Paul still smiling, but there was some newfound anger to his eyes._

_Jacob lunged at Paul but stopped midway, leaving Paul to flinch back. This made Jake smile even more._

_"OUT OF THE HOUSE!" bellowed Sam._

"_Catch me if you can!" Jacob yelled like a child as he sprinted out of the house._

_A growl came from Paul's human body. It sounded like it was coming from a werewolf. He ran after him, violent tremors rippling through his body. _

_"Will they be okay," I squeaked, behind Emery. It was just like Jake to leave me alone with all his werewolf friends for some stupid fight._

_"Oh they'll be fine," Quil said, all attention to the video game lost. "So I'm putting five bucks on Jake."_

_"No way! Did you see Paul's face?" Embry objected._

_Quil motioned to me with his eyes in such an obvious way I didn't know why he hadn't just pulled out a giant microphone and yelled: "BECAUSE BELLA'S RIGHT HERE!!" _

_"Oh…" Embry said comprehending, "Yeah, but my money's still on Paul."_

_"No way will Jake pass up the chance to impress _Bella Swan_," he said, his voice going all girly when he said my name. I'd never know how Quil could make his voice seem so female._

_The front door slammed open._

_I turned my head to see if it was Jacob._

_"Ten bucks on Paul!" came a loud voice, I heard the footsteps as the figure came running into the room._

_They all laughed as another tall, Quileute boy made his way into the living room. How the heck had this place not fallen to the ground? Each member of the pack was at least 6'4 or taller. _

_The boy stopped and stared at me, his eyes went wide, "Vampire girl!" he cheered._

_"Be nice," Sam said quietly. He turned back to Emily, having a chat about something. I guess fights between Jacob and Paul were a common occurrence. Only entertaining the immature, younger part of the pack._

_"Well, this changes it up. I'm putting my money on Jakey boy!" he countered. He then looked at me, "I'm Jared by the way."_

_"Bella," I answered, giving a small smile. Where the hell was Jake?_

"_Oh, I know," he said winking._

_I smiled, it started to feel forced on my face. He kept staring, some knowing smile pasted there._

_I shifted uncomfortably, "So should we go after them, or how do we know…who wins?"_

_"Oh, you'll know," Jared said, laughing, "Man, what got Paul so pissed. I think he phased _in _the doorway."_

_"What got him so pissed? Do we ever know? He's a boy with lots of bottled up feelings and emotions, just dying to come out."_

"_Plus I was totally beating him at this game," Quil said motioning to the forgotten video system._

_"Oh sweet! What are we playing!" Jared said jogging over… or at least taking one step quickly, before he was at the couch. I couldn't get over how… _big _they were. It was like being in an NBA locker room. Thank God Emily was here. _

_Jared picked up the controller and the three of them were consumed to the television._

_"I'm going to get them," Sam said, as he got up and headed for the door. He looked into Emily's eyes for a couple seconds and kissed her on her forehead and was off._

_Emily watched him go and then turned to me. _

_I shifted uncomfortably, again._

_I was going to kill Jacob._

"_I'm going to cook some lunch…"_

_"I'll come," I all but chirped as I followed her out of the room._

_We walked into a tiny little kitchen and I watched as she began pulling out five or six frozen packs of hot dogs. I laughed. I hadn't even thought of how much food they must consume to keep up with their enormity. _

_Emily looked up at my chuckle, she smiled warmly. It still looked like a grimace with the scars, it would take some getting used to. She turned to grab some scissors and I saw just the other side. The side that remained untouched. I realized that she was very pretty. Dark skin and straight black hair that was cut a bit shorter than her shoulders, framing her face._

_"It's a pain, sometimes I wish they were all like the anorexic cheerleaders they go to school with," she said, smiling._

_"Yeah, I guess I can never complain. I just have to cook for Charlie and me," I said thinking of the little meals I cooked for us two, "That's my dad, by the way."_

_"Yeah, that would be nice. I'm not complaining though, I love them too much." _

_"Yeah, they seem like so much fun."_

"_Yeah when there not all complained and tired and angry about all the bloodsuc – all the uh…" she stopped._

_"It's okay," I said, blushing and looking down._

"_All the vampires. I mean there okay now, but once Sam tells them about this Victoria," she said the voice like it was poisonous, "They'll go back in to high alert. Not sleeping, running around… it's not your fault. It's just different. Not so much lying around and just being, you know a family. It's fitting whatever little sleep you can get in between tracking and circling around…" she said stuttering a bit, it felt nice she was at least trying to watch her words around me, even though it didn't matter. I wouldn't let them hurt me anymore. Or was it something else that made her stutter?_

_"Does Sam being out and about leave you anxious?" I said before I realized what I was saying. I hope I didn't offend her._

_She looked at me as she tore open the hot dog bags, placing them on a sheet, "I can't stand to be away from him. I mean you know how it – " she stopped, "I mean you've uh, you've heard of imprinting?"_

_"Um…no I don't think so." Had I? _

"_Oh," she looked down, "Well I'm sure Jacob will tell you about it at some point or another," she started to look really concentrated in getting all the buns out. Like the case was closed. So I didn't ask any more questions._

_I decided to go back to our other conversation, "I hope it can be over with as soon as possible, or Victoria just leaves altogether. I hate putting…you all out, because of me," I looked down, suddenly embarrassed. Where was Jacob?_

_Emily looked up alarmed, putting the tray full of hotdogs down, "Oh, no no. Bella, don't think that way. I mean they still _love _it. Quil is going to go nuts for this, his first kind of hunt against a vampire," I smiled, "I mean he just became a part of the pack a couple days ago. It's all very new to him, he loves it. But they love their, job, I guess you could call it, their duty is a better word I think. When things like this happen it actually makes things exciting. They stick together, they're brothers… you know Jacob well enough to know he loves this kind of stuff."_

_"Yeah, definitely," I said, smiling. Remembering the smile Jacob had on his face as he started a fight with Paul. Suddenly I heard voices._

_"They're back," she said as she walked outside to place the hotdogs on a barbecue. _

_I followed her outside and heard the rumbling as the rest of the gang followed behind me. I watched as Jacob, Paul and Sam came out of the forest shirtless. Jacob looked up at me and smiled. I wonder how I looked all small, breakable and white skinned compared to the dark tall boys towering behind me._

_"I totally won," Jacob yelled._

"_Cough it up!" Jared and Quil both said staring at Embry._

_"I don't have twenty bucks!" Embry complained._

_Jared and Quil both grabbed him, pinning him in the air._

_Embry started laughing through short breaths, "Okay, okay I'll get you your money!" they rose him even higher, "I'll get you your money!" he yelled, still laughing and they dropped him. I'd never had brothers, but I was guessing this is what it was like._

_Paul was fidgeting with his nose. I saw some bruises around his eyes. I looked at Jacob and saw giant bruises around his ribs, matching ones were found on Paul's chest as well._

_"Oh my god!" I cried. They looked so painful._

_Jacob's eyes became concerned and then he looked down realizing what I was looking at._

_He looked back up, "Silly Bella. Just cracked a rib, it'll be good as new in an hour or two. And these bruises won't last ten minutes."_

_I looked at Paul and saw the dark bruises around his eyes already start to fade._

_"You broke his nose!" Quil exclaimed, watching as Paul continued to fidget with it._

_Jacob smiled, "Yes, yes I did."_

_Paul turned to him and then smiled, "It hurt like a bitch," he said starting to laugh._

_Then the scent of cooking hot dogs filled our noses and all attention turned to Emily at the barbecue. Sam walked up behind her, kissing her scars._

_"Emily, you are _thee _best!"_

"_You are heaven sent!"_

_"Our very own Aphrodite!" _

"_You are Queen of the dogs!" Quil yelled, "Get it? Hot dogs!"_

_Everyone's laughter turned into groans._

"_Yes Quil, we got it__," Jake said shaking his head as he took my hand in his again. _

_Then they all got into an intense talk about the fight. Paul saying the miraculous things he did, Jacob bragging. Sam telling it like it actually was. _

_I looked down at Jake's hand in mine. He was still talking animatedly with the others, there was no second thought to my hand in his. It was natural._

_Someday... I thought._

_I knew it wasn't now, it wasn't how Sam held Emily's hand. There was something hidden there, in the extremity of the affection they held for one another. I would ask Jake how they'd fallen in love. What this imprinting was? I looked at Jake as he continued to make jokes with his friends, his eyes crinkled in laughter. He looked so…happy. He looked down at me between words and smiled, and I saw the flicker register in his eyes, the one Sam used with Emily. I squeezed his hand._

_Soon._

_And as I held to his hand, I willed myself not to remember. But it came, still._

_The voice that had pricked at the back of my head when Paul had started phasing, right before Embry had pulled me behind him. The one I'd tried to push away, but it had still come out clear as day._

_"Please, be safe."_


	27. nine crimes

**Sorry for the wait. This is a long one ) so hope you all enjoy. I love reviews, pleaasse critique.**

**thank you  
xylia xo**

* * *

**9 crimes**

**- Damien rice - **

"And remember! Our semi formal is this Friday!" chirped one of the cheerleaders at the front to the class.

"Oh my god, I like totally can't wait!" squeaked Quil beside me.

I chuckled.

"But seriously, Imma go. Chicks dig guys who can dance," he said snapping his two fingers off to the side in some sort of imitation of a Spanish salsa.

"Not like that they don't," I replied, as I put my books in my bag.

"Hey Jacob," came a voice.

I turned my attention away from my bag and found a pretty blonde staring up at me. Everyone stared up at me nowadays, my neck was starting to hurt from craning it downwards all the time.

"Hey… Jennifer," I said, remembering her name at the last second.

She blushed.

Jennifer O'Connor. She was our star soccer player. I always heard her name on the announcements for all the goals she was always scoring. She had pin straight bright blonde hair and freckles splattering her face, bringing out her bright blue eyes. And as I continued looking at her, I suddenly wondered why she wanted to speak to me.

"Are you going this Friday?" she asked, looking down at her feet quickly. Blushing even more. Just like Bella.

"Uh…I'm not, I don't know…"

"Oh," she said looking down in disappointment. Her head then snapped back up and she put a giant smile on her face, revealing perfect pearly whites, "Well, you really should. I'll save you a dance just in case okay?"

"Yeah sure," I replied as she smiled and walked away, joining a group of giggly girls out the door.

I stared at her. I couldn't remember the last time I'd really talked to a girl, other than Bella. Other than for school work and everything… it was weird.

"Are you _kidding _me!" Quil snapped behind me.

I turned to see him still standing there. I'd forgotten he was there.

"Jennifer fucking O'Connor!" he said smacking his head as we threw our bags over our shoulders, heading out of the classroom. "And you… _what_ are you married!"

"Uh… practically?" I replied.

"Oh right, imprinting. God that's lame. Monogamy doesn't exist."

I laughed looking at him. "You never know, it could always happen to you."

He burst out laughing, "Yeah, that'll be the day."

"Who are you going to ask?"

"Uh… I was going to ask Jennifer O'Connor," he said and I looked at him to see if he was joking.

He wasn't.

Crap.

"Now I think I'll go for Tanya Westfield."

Double crap.

"What a great idea!" I exclaimed sarcastically.

Tanya and Quil had been on and off again item since the beginning of time. It was always a bad idea, but for some reason they kept going back to each other. They were each other's sloppy seconds, last resort. The night would always start off good and end in a complete screaming match between the two of them. Broken windows, broken bones (Tanya had actually punched and broken Quil's nose when he'd been caught making out with another girl at the Winter Formal), and lots of drinks being poured (Tanya pouring countless amounts on Quil). If I really thought about it, it was mostly Quil that made them so screwed up… and for some reason Tanya was naïve enough to give him a second chance, over and over and over again.

"I can't go alone!"

"Really? Because whenever you _do _go out with Tanya, you act like you're alone. Let's make a bet if you're going to hang or fool around with some other girl."

Quil laughed, "Whatever, are you going?"

I thought about it for a minute and smiled, "Well…there's going to be a struggle. And then some yelling, punching and fighting and probably some more yelling and whining. She's not going to want to go… but she'll come, probably against her will, I mean if worse comes to worse I'll just carry her."

"Really? The dance means that much to you?" Quil asked, chuckling.

"No, not at all. I just can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her there is no option," I smiled as I walked out the doors of the school, waving goodbye to Quil as I turned the opposite way to La Push. To Bella.

* * *

"So what are you doing Friday night?" I asked.

"Same thing I do every Friday night," she replied as she concentrated on the pan where she was cooking my favourite meal of eggs and bacon, "Try and find a way to get out of hanging out with you."

"And how's that going?"

"Poorly. I haven't come up with anything for the last six I think," she said turning around to smile at me, I scowled back jokingly.

"Okay, well you're hanging out with me."

"Okay," she said shrugging indifferently.

I waited a couple seconds, but that was all I lasted. I was just too excited to see her reaction.

"We're going to my semi-formal."

One. Two. Thr

She dropped the flipper she was using for the eggs and it fell to the floor. She spun around.

"What?"

"Oh, I think you heard me," I said winking.

"There is no way – "

"That you're not coming with me," I said as I got up from my chair.

"Ha!" she yelled, "If this is some evil scheme where you're trying to completely humiliate me… well it's going to work. Every person will make fun of me, specially all the girls who probably can coordinate themselves in a coordinated way. And people will make fun of you, I mean do you want to lose your friends over this?" she said, her voice getting higher and higher.

I walked closer to her.

"Who is that weird looking albino girl that Jacob brought? Oh my god, she can't even stand on her own feet," she continued, mimicking girls voices.

I walked closer.

"I bet she couldn't even – " she started but stopped.

I stood only inches away from her, looking down at her small and perfect stature. I took my hands and put them on her arms and went up and down soothingly. She looked at me, her eyes wide and frightened.

I moved closer. Her back was against the counter.

She was breathing unevenly.

I pressed a bit closer and felt the contact as our bodies touched.

"I'm bringing you," I said as I traced her small little nose, her almond shaped eyes and her clear translucent skin, "because there is nobody else I want," I whispered. She looked down blushing and then back up, a stray piece of hair fallen in her face. I took my hand and brushed it behind her ear.

"Jake…" she said.

I pushed closer, so we were one. She looked up at me and her eyes weren't frightened anymore. They were fire.

She put her hand on my face and I closed my eyes.

I opened them and took her hand in mine, "All I want is you."

"Jake – "

"I won't ever hurt you. I'll protect you with my life, Bella," I said realizing my voice was getting huskier and more husky… as I inched closer and closer to her face.

She then looked up, but wasn't surprised when she saw my face was just inches from hers.

"I want you too," she said looking up at me.

I didn't know such beauty existed in this cold, dark world.

She pulled me in closer and I felt her small and breakable body molded to mine.

Now I was the one that was frightened, nervous.

She took my chin and pulled it down. I closed my eyes and waited for her lips to touch mine.

And then they did.

And I prayed that I would remember this feeling for the rest of my life. Because for the tiniest moment, everything became clear. Everything was complete. She was all I'd ever needed.

I kissed her cold lips and put my hand in her hair, breathing in her unique and wonderful smell.

It was soft at first and the kiss became more and more urgent and I went with every move she gave me. We were perfectly synchronized except when she seemed hesitant after every time she pulled me closer and put her hands through my hair or grabbed my shirt, like she was waiting for me to do push her away, or stop her. But I only pulled her closer.

The door opened noisily, "Bella? Anybody home?" came Charlie's booming voice.

I shot off her like she was on fire and she turned around quickly accidentally hitting the handle of the pan, sending it flying onto the ground.

"Bella!" came Charlie's worried voice as he ran to the kitchen.

He entered the kitchen and surveyed the scene.

Eggs scattered on the floor, the pan upside down. Bella looking at it with fear, me standing a few feet away. I looked at her, she was still looking down, blushing furiously. Her lips looked red and I wanted nothing but to be lost in them again.

A smile spread across Charlie's face.

"Well, well," he said staring at us.

"You scared us half to death!" she said looking up, her face a bit more composed.

"I can't believe you let her cook, I thought there was a strict No Bella warning on all appliances and electronics," I said looking at her, she smiled.

"She still cooks a mean fried fish…" he said still staring at us suspiciously, "Well I'll leave you two, to…it," he said motioning to the pan as he disappeared out the room.

Bella looked at me and I smiled.

"Well that was awkward," I replied and she laughed.

I helped her with the pan and throwing out the eggs.

"I'm going to go, I have some homework to do… and I think I'll get distracted," I said looking at her.

"Yeah."

"So you're coming with me to the dance?"

"Yeah…"

I walked to her and hugged her, whispering in her ear, "Don't worry, I'll be with you the whole time. And I'll beat up anyone that makes fun of you," I said smiling.

I heard her laugh into my chest. I kissed the top of her forehead.

"I'll see you later Bella Swan," I said as I let go and started heading for the door.

"Until we meet again Jacob Black."

* * *

The next time we did meet was a week later, on the Friday when I'd ran to her house and then changed quickly in the forest into my suit.

I came up the porch and knocked on the door.

She opened it and stood in a black strapless dress that made her skin glow.

She looked nervous but then looked up at me and smiled.

"You idiot," she said reaching for my head, I bent down. She pulled out a couple pine needles and a small twig sticking out of my hair.

I went beat red. Way to go Jacob.

I had my hair tucked back in a pony tail but I guess it still looked like a rats nest.

"You look beautiful," I said, and I meant it. She was dazzling. Her hair was long and straight and she tucked it behind her shoulders, blushing. Her white soft skin almost sparkling on her collarbone.

"Thank you, so do you," she said smiling.

"Well, shall we?" I said crooking my arm, she laughed and put hers through mine and we began the walk to her truck.

"I can drive," I offered.

"No, no it's fine," she said as she went in on the passenger side.

The roar of the truck startled me and she laughed.

We were both nervous the way we'd left things.

We were both trying to breathe evenly as we went back to La Push. And as we kept driving I realized that I didn't have gum or water or anything. My breath probably smelled horrible…and tonight… if anything. Okay, I had to get something.

"Would you mind if we just stopped at the general store on the corner there?" I asked pointing.

"No, not at all," she said and she pulled into the lot.

I ran in, suit and all and walked over to the cold drink section.

I debated Gatorade, Water… I shook my head. What was I doing?

I grabbed two waters and headed to the cash area.

There was a line, of course.

I stood looking around and noticed a familiar figure by the pharmacy area. Debating on a bunch of different pill bottles.

I continued staring at her until she turned down and the recognition hit, except she looked almost unrecognizable.

It was Allison's mom.

She was muttering to herself, debating the two bottles. Her hands were shaking as if it were -40 degrees. She looked up and her eyes shot right to mine. I should've looked somewhere else but I was captivated by her. There were giant purple and red marks surrounding her eyes, she used to sleep all the time but now it looked like she hadn't slept in years. One of the bottles fell to the ground and she scrambled to get it, her hands still shaking violently with tremors.

She then looked back up at me. And she stood up.

"Jacob?" she said, her voice hoarse.

"Hi Mrs. Dawson," I replied as firmly as I could.

She looked dumbfounded.

"How's…Allison?" I asked, surprised at the tear it took threw my chest when I said her name, aloud for the first time in months.

She looked up at me and as I looked into her eyes I had to turn away. "I…don't know," she choked. She then started muttering to herself again, looking at the bottles. It was scary.

"Has she not…talked to you?" I asked, trying.

She looked back up and the brown, sad eyes turned black. And I almost felt the slap of anger and violence on my face as she changed.

"How the hell am I supposed to know?" she shrieked.

I knew it had been coming. Even though Allison hadn't mentioned it, it hadn't taken a rocket scientist to figure out that she was bipolar. And she was in straight denial, so she was still undiagnosed, leaving her with no option for medicine that could actually _help _her, instead she just numbed her problems.

"Mrs. Dawson…" I started, trying to move closer, to try and calm her down but she interrupted.

"All I know is that her bank account is empty and the last withdrawal was at an airport for a plane ticket to California from the Seattle airport."

And I'd stopped there. "What?" I whispered.

She looked at me like I was retarded, "The only friend she made here was _you_. I called the airport. The ticket was for two and a half weeks ago and it was never used."

A thousand thoughts were running through my head. Had Allison been trying to contact me? Had she been crying for help? I'd answered the phone, Billy would've given me messages, but there was nothing. She had disappeared off the face of the earth and I'd thought it was a hint that she wanted to be left alone with Matt.

My heart started to sink as my thoughts spiralled downwards and downwards.

"Don't play dumb with me," Mrs. Dawson spat as she stared at my silence. I was looking down, refusing to look up at the angry eyes. It was my fault they were angry.

Then I heard another noise from her and I looked up to see the brown, warm eyes. Full of tears.

"Do you know what she had to go through…" she barely whispered, "What _he _did to her_? _She may have told you things, but I was _there_. I was there every waking moment. I watched powerless, as something destroyed my daughter," she choked and tears were running down her face, "I couldn't protect her. I couldn't protect my own daughter from pain, all I could do was watch."

I opened my mouth to say something but no words came out. There were no words for this.

"She didn't eat, she didn't talk and she barely slept. She was in her bed all the time, but every time I looked inside her eyes were wide open, but I knew she wasn't ever seeing anything. I could be standing right in front of her and she wouldn't even blink," she stopped and took a deep breath, her hands shaking again as she looked at the pills, remembering them, "Do you have any idea how hard it was?" she asked, trying to compose herself, tears in her eyes, "But then you came along… and she was smiling again. She was herself again. You fixed her. I know that she may never be able to put back together the broken pieces, but you helped her try. You made her forget the holes. She was better. She was breathing again. And then… then we got the call about Matt and she's gone, with only a letter left to be given to you," she stopped, looking at me. She wiped away the tear lines that streamed down her tired face. There were no other people around and the cashier was busy reading some comic.

"Where did you _go_?" she asked, an almost hiss-like whisper.

I stared at her dumbfounded. I hadn't gone anywhere! I'd stayed right here, waiting for her to call me, to talk to me. I'd thought about her everyday whether I'd liked it or not, and a lot of the time I hadn't. because Bella should be… and… and…

"I have no number to contact her! I haven't heard from her in months!" I all but stuttered, I looked up and she blinked and suddenly the burning black was back.

"You're lying to me, the last time she called the house which was a month or so ago she asked where you were, if you were gone. Matt is dying, if not…already. Can you imagine what –" she took a deep breath, "I've stood there helpless while she begged for someone that I couldn't reach… give a number to. She begged. She's been trying to talk to you and you've, you've just left her behind… _forgotten _her!" she shrieked.

I turned to see the cashier looking over, he looked back down at his book. Good, I didn't want him interfering with this.

I hadn't left her behind. But I didn't know what to say, no words out of my mouth would make this right, nothing I could say would stop the anger welled up inside the broken woman. I wanted this to end. I didn't want this drama anymore, this pain, these tears, I'd dealt with mine when Bella had walked into his arms. I'd dealt with it, this should be over. This should be over.

"Honestly…I didn't know. I don't know how to talk to her, I don't know where she is, I haven't heard from her… I - "

"But it's not putting a stop to your life is it? It's not affecting you, look at you," she said pointing and I looked down and remembered that I was in a suit, "The sun's still shinning in your world, your life's just going on even though you've got no answers. Or questions. Your friend _needs _you!" she said walking closer and suddenly she was hitting me in the chest, nothing could hurt me but I knew even if it could her weak fists wouldn't leave a mark, "You bastard. How could you! What have you been doing!"

And at the moment the little bell that sounded when the door opened rang. We both looked over and I watched as Bella walked in looking confused.

I felt like I was in a movie. Why now. Why was this happening. For the first time in my life I wanted Bella to leave.

She looked around, and I wished she wouldn't spot me, but with a 6'6 frame it was impossible. And she did. Her eyes found me and she waved and smiled, "Jake? What's taking you so long?" she said walking over. She then turned to see the woman hidden behind the walls of pills, next to me. And I knew exactly how she looked to her. If I hadn't known her I would've thought the same. That she was some old woman you tried to avoid, the ones that scared you; addicted to crack, looking for any substitute, she looked _crazy_.

An angry smirk erupted from her. "Oh? _This _is what you've been up to!" she said, laughing in a way that made my spine tingle. She took the two bottles of pills, walked to the cash and threw down two twenties. She then walked right by me and stopped. She leaned in close, "You're a monster."

And then she was gone.

Bella looked at me confused and I knew the words I was about to say would hurt her, would disappoint her but there was no choice in the matter.

_You're a monster._

_You've forgotten her. _

"I'm sorry, Bella. Can you drive yourself home," I said mechanically. She looked up at me, confusion and then hurt filled her eyes and she quickly blinked it away.

"Jake, what's going on? Jake - "

_But it's not putting a stop to your life. _

"I have to go, drive safe," I said as I dropped the water bottles to the floor. They didn't make a sound to me.

I walked out the door. Breathing in the cold air and smelt the scent of oncoming rain.

And as I began running I turned into the nearest forest and phased, ripping apart my only suit. And as the rain poured on me I prayed it would make me numb, make me disappear.

* * *

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	28. something to believe in

**Thanks for your patience again, please keep reviewing ) it really makes my day. Hope you enjoy, finalllly some answers on the questions you've been asking me... read onn ;)  
xylia xo**

* * *

**Something to believe in**

**-aqualung- **

* * *

It didn't make sense.

It didn't add up.

What had she been talking about?

I was pacing my room back and forth.

Back and forth.

I was going to put a hole through this floor.

Back and forth.

Had she tried to contact me? But how? The phone hadn't rang… I didn't use the computer… nothing in the mail… there was nothing.

Her mother must be going crazy, she was distraught. Her only daughter had run back into the fire… she was just saying things, just projecting.

And I repeated that to myself over and over, trying, convincing. But it didn't work.

There was still a tiny part of me screaming that there was something wrong here, that there was something missing, that the answer wasn't that simple.

But I couldn't put my finger, or let alone anything on it, and it was frustrating the hell out of me.

I growled and took some of my textbooks and launched them at the wall. I watch as the books collided with the dry hall, puncturing a hole through. Dust, chips of paint and pages went flying.

"What the – " came Billy's voice as he wheeled into my room. He looked up at me, my shoulders were heaving with frustration.

"Aw, Jake!" he said looking at the wall angrily.

"What!"

"You're going to fix that."

"Hell I am!"

He stopped and looked at me thoughtfully, which made me even madder.

"I'm going to go find Quil and Emery, they don't whine at me like a little girl," I muttered as I walked by him out the door, I heard his low chuckle and was glad he knew I wasn't mad at him.

I phased as I entered the forest and wasn't surprised to hear Quil and Emery's voices immediately. Being newborn wolves they were addicted to it they spent hours running around the forests everyday

_Hey what's wrong?_

_Oh, wow._

_I don't know man._

_She's been trying to contact you? I haven't mentioned her… I didn't want to upset you._

_Wow, her mother is cu-razzy._

_Sorry, Jake._

_It's fine. Where are you guys?_

_The river. _

I caught up with them.

I phased back, not feeling like having our conversation being interfered by Jared or Sam, especially not Paul.

"How was the dance?" I asked them as we all put our clothes on.

Emery burst out laughing and Quil shot him a dirty look.

I laughed, "What'd he do?"

This only made Emery laugh harder.

"It wasn't _that _funny!" Quil snapped.

"Basically Quil shows up with Tanya. Things are going pretty good then she goes off to the bathroom and Vicki Harris morphs over. They flirt and she jets off right before Tanya gets back. Then Quil goes to the "bathroom" but really, we all know where he really went," Emery said winking.

I laughed. Quil continued shooting daggers at Emery.

"Then he came back, Tanya yelled at him and he said that he must have eaten something bad. She then went off to dance and Jennifer O'Connor came over just to say hi and probably ask about you…so of course Quil tried _very hard _to start something, she's way too nice and she turned him down saying he'd better go see Tanya.

"Tanya comes back and freaks out at him some more. Quil's just sitting there smitten."

This got a laugh out of Quil, I smiled. It was fun hearing about there drama, it made me forget about my horrible night.

"Then Georgia Walters comes once Tanya leaves and Quil, not giving a shit at this point, just starts making out with her at the table," Emery said, stopping to laugh, "But that's not even it!"

Quil growled.

"Tanya came back and made a scene. Dumped her glass of punch on him."

"…stained my dad's suit," Quil muttered.

"Slapped him ridiculously hard."

"…had to pretend like it actually hurt. I should've just stayed still and watched her break her hand."

"Quil!" Emery and I shouted at the same time.

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding."

"And then Georgia dropped her punch on him and _then_ Vicki came and slapped him too. Wow, it was amazing. Probably the best night of my life."

"Watching a bunch of girls slap the she shit out of Quil? I couldn't picture anything better," I said nudging him.

"Ha. Ha," Quil said sarcastically, "Whatever, they'll be back."

I shook my head, "You're crazy."

"So do you want to talk about your night…" Emery pushed.

My laughing stopped and I stared at him, "No, thanks."

Quil and Emery both looked down, shuffling their feet.

"How about some old school human motorcycling?" I asked.

They both looked up smiling.

"Let's do it!" Quil yelled.

* * *

As I lied in bed that night I was still smiling about the stories of the dance. It soon turned bittersweet when I realized how much I would love to be like Quil. Just having fun with girls, maybe not in the same way, but dating…actually giving them chances instead of shutting every single one down cold. It was better that way, nothing would come of them. I just wish I could explain.

I just wanted to be normal. God, I never really thought I'd see the day when I was _really _jealous of Quil and his supposed ladies.

I groaned, knowing sleep was nowhere close. My eyes were wide awake. All that was on my mind was Allison. Bella had called non-stop and I'd answered each time telling her I was fine, that I just needed some time. I'd ignored her past ten or so…she was just worried, I understood but I couldn't explain it to her.

Explain that Allison had saved me from the broken person I'd become after Bella. No, I wasn't ready to tell her everything.

I sighed, wishing the darkness would make my eyes heavy.

Emily was having family over tomorrow and the whole gang was supposed to be there. Sam would understand though.

I looked up at the ceiling and went over all the facts, everything again. Hoping, praying that I'd missed something somewhere and everything would piece together, and Allison would be here.

I went to school on Monday, tired and grumpy.

I survived my first two classes and almost ran to the cafeteria to see Quil and Embry, they were always able to cheer me up.

I sat and watched as they both walked in. Immediately, two girls walked to Quil. I smiled to myself wondering how he'd pull it off, somehow sucker them into both going on a date with at the same time? Very John Tucker of him.

But I was caught off guard when I saw him smile and wave them away, both of them walked away looking disappointed. My eyebrows furrowed as I watched the two of them finally reach our table and sit down.

"Sorry…what?" I asked, confused.

Quil looked at me and smiled, "What?"

"Did you just… turn down a _female_? Let alone two females?"

Quil laughed.

"You'll never guess what happened," Embry said, grinning.

"What?" I asked, bewildered.

"I uh…I imprinted," he said, grinning ear to ear. But it wasn't his usual cocky one, it was a genuine one, a happy one.

"Get out."

"Yeah, on Emily's niece," he said, still grinning, "Her name's Claire."

"Wow," I replied. I couldn't believe it and I knew he probably couldn't either.

"I know… I can't believe it. Everything's different," he said, blushing.

Blushing!?

"You're blushing!?" I yelled, people looked over.

"Yo shut up man!" he yelled smacking me over the head.

I laughed. "Well, this is a Quil I've never seen."

"Quil's in loooove," Emery said and Quil gave him a dirty look. I

"So what?" I asked, trying to defend him.

"Jailbait," Emery muttered, trying to cover it with a cough. Quil punched him in the arm.

"What?" I asked, confused.

Emery looked at me, "Claire's two," he said.

I looked over at Quil incredulously, seeing if it was a joke. It wasn't. And because I couldn't help myself and it felt so good I burst out laughing.

"Wow, I mean I knew you liked them young but…" I started.

"Yeah, yeah the guys all gave me hell for it yesterday. But it doesn't really matter," he said and then he bent his head down, "God this day is going by so slow, I just want to go see her."

And for some reason the last sentence repeated in my head and I realized with an intense amount of pain how much I missed Bella.

So much.

"I think I'm going to split," I said, throwing out the remains of my lunch.

"Bella?" Quil said, knowing exactly what I was feeling.

I nodded.

"Oh so now you guys have your own lovey-dovey, imprinting language. Oooh Bella, Oooh Claire. Love, love, love," Emery said making kissing noises, a group of girls walking by gave him weird looks and then walked away laughing. He groaned and put his head on the table, "Man, this blows."

"Hey man, you'll get your girl," Quil said, winking and nudging him playfully.

"Does Claire have any friends? Should I stop by at the local daycare?" he replied.

"Oh shut up!" Quil said removing his hand from his shoulder.

I laughed, "Alright, I'm out, I'll see you tonight! Congratulations again Quil."

They both waved goodbye, Quil smiling, the new one that I bet I'd be getting used to.

* * *

I was at Bella's school in less than twenty minutes. There was about an hour and a half left of her school but I knew she wouldn't want to attend her last class. The bell rang and I saw the students piling out to head to their next period.

I quickly ran over to one of the sides of the buildings, trying to be stealth but when you were 6'7 it was impossible not to stand out. I watched as she walked out of the building laughing with one of her friends, I was pretty sure her name was Andrea or Angela or something. I put my arm out, all casually and watched as she looked up and saw me.

She looked up, and for a couple seconds I wondered if she even recognized me. Her eyes seemed clouded or confused, like I was some stranger looking at her but she blinked and then a giant smile took its place and all else was forgotten.

"Jake!" she squealed and she came running over. She jumped up and I caught her, holding her like the little breakable doll that she was.

"Bella!" I screamed, making fun of her excited-ness.

"What a pleasant surprise!" she said kissing me on the lips quickly as I put her down on the ground.

"I missed you," I said blushing and looking down.

She smiled.

"You have gym right?"

"Un huh."

"Let's get out of here," I said, raising one eyebrow, "I bet we could improvise some physical activity…"

"Jake!" she said slapping my arm, but not being able to contain herself from laughing.

"What!" I yelled, smiling.

Her cheeks were flaming red, "Fine. Let's go," she said, still blushing.

I grabbed her hand and we ran.

* * *

I sat in my bed that night smiling at the day I had. Bella and I had rented some stupid old horror movies but had spent the majority of it kissing and making fun of each other.

And as much as I kept repeating how happy I was I knew at the back of my head that there was something else gnawing at me. But I just continued thinking of Bella, pushing everything else away.

And finally I fell asleep.

* * *

I woke up in the morning and could tell by the silence of the house that Billy had gone out somewhere, probably picked up by one of his friends.

I got up and took a shower, feeling the pain in my shoulders and neck for having to bend down underneath the shower head. After I walked back to my room and went through my drawers to find that I had no clean socks left.

I groaned. Sometimes I still thought that if I just left things, they'd fall back into place on their own. It was only a matter of time before I'd be out of boxers too.

I walked over to Billy's room and opened up his sock drawer, pulling out a nice, comfy looking white pair. I was about to close the drawer when something caught my eye. I moved some of the other socks and found paper underneath them, crammed all the way to the back.

Curious, I reached for them and pulled them out.

I looked at them closely and realized that they weren't papers at all. They were envelopes.

Letters.

And each and everyone was written to me.

pleaseeeee reviewww...


	29. nicest thing

**Sorry again about the wait. School is dominating me right now. More Updates soon. Thank you again for comments and reviews.  
xo  
xylia**

**Nicest thing  
- kate nash - **

I sat on my bed for I don't know how long, reading all the letters over and over again, hoping that if I read them over and over I could take it back, I could go back and fix everything.

I read the words and felt the daggers cutting my insides apart. My body was screaming at me to cry but I couldn't no matter how much it hurt, because the only other feeling that was overcoming me was anger. Unbelievable anger.

_This hurts, please Jake._

_Please, I'm begging you, please come see me. I just need a friend._

_Why won't you answer me. How could you do this to me, after everything?_

_I'm sorry, I miss you, please just. I need you, I'm so sorry for everything._

And the most recent one. stained with tear drops. It was almost unreadable.

_I will stop writing you, I can see now you don't want to talk to me anymore, I will never know how or why you made these decisions, I'll just trust you… I won't bother you with Matthew's condition. I am sorry for everything, please take this as my goodbye. _

_Allison_

My hands were shaking. White fury, white anger, I could explode. I wanted to phase and tear apart this entire house.

I smelt Billy before I heard the car pull up and then leave. I tried to calm myself, knowing I didn't want to do anything stupid, but no words could make me still.

Billy wheeled inside. The screen door slamming behind him.

"Hello?" he called out.

He wheeled into the room I was in and looked at me.

"Oh, hey Jake… shouldn't you be at school?"

Don't break anything. Stop shaking. Keep still, keep still.

"Jake?" he asked. He then looked down and saw the letters. All the envelopes shredded open, all of them lying everywhere. His eyes moved to my hands and I knew they were shaking. I was shaking.

"Jake…" he said, and he looked up at me.

How dare he look at me? How does he have the right to look me in the eyes?

"How _could _you," I whispered. I couldn't yell, I knew if I yelled the anger would swallow me hole, I would hurt someone. But the whisper still made him flinch.

"I did it for your own good," he said, firmly. Like he actually truly believe in what he'd done, in what he'd caused. How fucked up was that?

"For my own good!" and I was shouting. I thought the walls would break, "That's a fucking joke! This is _none _of your business!" my hand was steadying on a chair and before I knew it, it broke. Shattered by my fists of steel.

"Jacob, calm down. You know why I did this, why I had the right to. I was trying to protect you, you don't know her at all."

"And what! You do? You don't know the first thing about her!"

Billy's eyes began to cloud, his anger also rising, "Jacob – "

But I cut him off.

"No, you don't get to speak. Not to me, ever again. I'm out of here and I'm never coming back. I'm going to go find her. I don't ever want have anything to do with you again," I screamed. I knew I didn't mean half the words I was saying. It wasn't me talking, it wasn't. the fury was, the white fury that was shaking me from head to toe, I wanted to calm down, I wanted to talk rationally but it wouldn't let me.

Billy's eyes changed, and sadness and fear and every other emotion that a father can feel when his son tells him that he never wants to see him again.

"You had no right. I am not a child, you don't decide things for me."

"You don't even know her!"

Anger. White. Anger.

I didn't know where to start. What could I possibly say? I didn't even know her? The girl saved my life, she fucking saved my life. I loved her. I knew everything about her, I knew she'd been exactly like me, broken like me. I knew the pain, I'd lived the pain she'd spoken to me about. And the fact that it had come back for round two, hit her harder than ever before and I hadn't been there for her? When I could've been? It was unforgivable.

"You've never even met her!" Billy roared.

I stopped and looked at him. The anger vanished, disappeared, tranquil – instead there was confusion. What was he saying?

"What?"

"You've never even met her, Jake. Whatever she says in those letters doesn't change a thing. She wasn't here for you then, I won't give her the chance to be here for you now. I don't care if you're not a child anymore, I will always do what I feel I have to in order to protect you. You're all I got, Jake. You're all I got."

Nothing was adding up. Allison was…

Who did he think these letters were from?

"Who do you think was writing to me?" I asked. His mouth opened immediately to answer but he stopped when he realized what I was asking. He looked over at the pile, like the answer would be in big, block letters. He stopped, and he realized. His mistake.

"Who do you think was writing to me!"

He wheeled over and picked one up off the floor and as he read the lines, his eyes grew more and more fearful. He looked up at me.

"Allison," and sorrow was his voice.

"Yes. Allison. Who did you think it was?" I asked, the anger rising.

"I'm so sorry, Jake. I didn't know I – I – "

"Answer the damn question."

"She moved there. She lives there. I didn't know Allison went there too. The odds… Jake, I'm so sorry."

I took a deep breath, ready to break the next chair.

"Your mother, Jake. I thought it was your mother."

I must not have heard him right. He couldn't have said what i thought he had. My mother had died. A long time ago, she was dead. Gone. Why was he doing this to me? Why.

"But she's dead…"

"No, Jake."

I fell back on the chair, somehow not breaking it. I didn't understand, I didn't understand what was going on. She'd left one day. One day when I was just a kid... grocery shopping…she'd never come back. She'd walked out and never returned. Billy said there'd been an accident. That she was gone. It couldn't be.

"She's alive?" I whispered, looking up.

"Yes, Jake," he said, taking a deep breath, "There was no accident, I didn't know how to explain to a four year old that his mother _left_. And I know it was wrong, but what could I have done? What could I have said? And then my accident…"

I remembered. I remembered his accident soon after. He'd been at a bar and a car hadn't seen him crossing the road… he used to be at the bars a lot. I always had a babysitter. I never knew where he went, I'd found out later that he'd had a drinking problem after she left… but after the accident he never drank again, realizing what it would do to me to lose both parents.

"Where did she go?"

"She went to California. She left me, she left us for someone else. And I couldn't tell you that then, and I didn't want to tell you now, because she's dead to me, even if she's still out there, she's dead, I have to pretend, Jake. I can't think of her still being our there, alive and smiling… not when I 'm here. And I wanted you to think the same, I'd rather you have no mother at all than one that walked out on you when you were four, walked out on us…"

I was still shaking my head. This was too much. Allison, my mom. I needed Bella, I needed Bella.

"Who was it?"

Billy's voice grew scathing, "Not a who. An it. She left us for one of _them_."

"For what?"

"A vampire. She ran away with a vampire."

I was frozen. A vampire.

"But you guys were in love weren't you?"

"Yes we were. But love is no match where _they're _involved. They can take everything from you, they don't care about anything. She fell for this "man", even though we all had our suspicions about him. The way he moved, talked, looked. She fell for him all the same, and they left."

"To sunny California…it makes no sense?"

"Oh yes… after he'd lived here for long enough he realized how much he couldn't stand humans. He was a monster, he didn't have friends, he didn't talk to anyone. It makes sense he'd want to go somewhere where only she could see him, inside. He's not one to intertwine with the human race. He only came out to go to the library. Your mother…" his eyes looked down, they came back up and tears were in them, "…she worked there. She wasn't afraid. She talked to him, I remember her telling me. He'd been so startled, he didn't understand why he didn't repulse her too… but she was different. She didn't scare easily and she had, she had a beautiful heart.

"Slowly, she fell for him. I denied it but I knew it was true, I had no control. And they left. I couldn't have done anything, there is nothing that breaks that bond. When _he _realized he loved her, she had no decision either but to love him too. And that's why it hurt so much, because I knew she didn't want to leave, that she still loved me, that she loved you, but it was nothing to how much she loved him, and it killed her, I watched it kill her. So eventually she realized she couldn't stay, she was too ashamed and she left."

I didn't know what to feel. All I wanted was Bella's cold arms around me. I didn't want anything else but her telling me it was okay. But insecurities were flowing through me, ripping through me.

"I have to go," I said getting up.

"Jake, please don't…"

"I'll be back," I promised, realizing he thought I was leaving for good. I walked out the door, into the rain.

My mom and a vampire. Fell in love and broke my father's heart.

Was it the same fate for me?

Was I no match for the bond that Bella and Edward shared?

Could she just leave me too?


	30. this is the thing

**Hi everyone. Sorry for the ridiculously long wait, I'm extremely busy with school... but I wrote a nice long chapter for you guys. =) Thanks so much for reading. By the way I hope you have all gone to see _Twilight_, and loved it as much as I did. I'm seeing it for a fourth time tonight :-) **

**love,  
xylia xo**

* * *

**This is the thing  
****Fink**

* * *

"Bells, pass me the wrench," I ordered from underneath the car.

So of course she hands me a screwdriver

"Very funny," I comment meakly.

She laughs, "What! I don't know what you're talking about!"

I come up from underneath the hood. Covered in oil, that probably goes unnoticeable with my dark skin. I look at her and she's smiling. I swear she's getting wrinkles, all laugh lines. Around her eyes, around her mouth. It's beautiful.

"You're kind of beautiful you know?" I said repeating one of the lines she'd said to me on a car ride along time ago. I'd played it off as a joke, but it had hit me pretty hard. I never used to be cocky or confident or anything…until the day she said that.

"Haha very funny," she said and I stood up and walked over to her. Her smile faded a bit and I saw the fire in her eyes.

She was a tiny little breakable thing next to me. I put my arms around her and put my head down to breathe her in. I was home. I could stand here for hours, with just her, and I would truly forget the world, believe that everything really was okay.

"Jake?" she asked after a couple moments had passed.

I backed up, "Yeah, what?" I asked, trying to make it seem like she was the one holding on for dear life.

She looked at me, looking for an answer. She knew me too well.

"You just make me happy."

"Jake, stop," she said looking down, blushing.

"What!" I screamed, laughing.

She then looked up at me, her eyes still pondering. She knew something was up. I hadn't breathed a word of anything. Of Allison. Of my mom. Of the letters.

If I didn't talk about it, it wasn't real. And it wasn't real. I wouldn't let it be.

"You know I'll find out sooner or later," she muttered, knowing that I could still hear her.

"Sorry, what was that?" I asked.

"Nothing!" she said looking up to me, smiling with her "innocent" face, "Let's go motorcycling!"

"Um, Bells, that didn't work out so good last time," I commented. Remembering the cut on her forehead.

"I need the practice!"

"You know, if I didn't know any better I would think that you and your motorcycle were sneaking around behind my back."

She laughed and I smiled and went to putting away my tools. I looked up at her to see the smile that lit up my whole world but saw that it had disappeared. All was left was her blank face, the lost one, where she was looking off into space as if she didn't know where she was or what she was doing. The one she'd worn for months, free of any kind of wrinkles or movement.

She snapped out of it and looked at me. She smiled but it wasn't the one I loved. I opened my mouth to ask what was wrong, but I shut it and turned away.

* * *

"So…you haven't told her?" Quil asked as he scarfed down his third sandwich at lunch.

"No. I have not," I said for what felt like the fifth time.

"So you didn't tell your girlfriend, the one you imprinted on, that you found out your mother is still alive and ran off with a vampire when you were four?"

"Quil…" Embry warned.

"No, I just don't understand. What's stopping you? I mean that's a big deal, Jake. I just don't get it. I tell Claire everything and she can't even understand me."

_Lucky you_, I thought. I didn't want to tell them why I was so scared. I just couldn't even imagine telling her. And I knew why.

"I'll tell her later," I said taking a swig of my chocolate milk, hoping the case was closed.

"No you won't," Quil said, examining me, "I don't _under-"_

"Let it goooo!" Embry snapped.

"Whatever," Quil and I said at the same time, both turning to look in other directions.

"Do I always have to be the mediator and the mom? You guys are both internally tied to woman yet you still act like four year olds. No wonder you like Claire."

"It's not my fault he's absolutely incompetent to understand anyone's feelings," I muttered, but I knew they'd both hear.

Quil laughed, "Whatever Jakes. I'm just trying to help you, I'm not stupid, I know it's eating you alive."

"I'll do it, okay?" I said quietly.

"Okay," Quil said, satisfied.

The bell rang and we all left to our classes.

I walked into my Psychology class and looked over at the desk that used to be Allison's.

I stood in the doorway. Thinking and thinking.

The second bell rang off but I didn't move.

Mr. Dominic looked up, ready to start class. He looked over at me, standing motionless by the door.

I turned around and left.

* * *

I knocked on Allison's front door.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

No answer.

I knocked louder, and louder.

Five minutes passed.

Louder.

I knew she was in here.

I heard footsteps and stopped and watched Allison's mom open the door. Her eyes gaunt, her skin dirty, her hair a mess, in pajamas.

She looked at me for a couple moments and then finally the recognition hit.

"Jacob," she said.

There was no anger, no sarcasm, just my name, lying there.

"I need to find her," is all I said, "I need to know she's okay."

She looked at me, and her eyes lit up. Like a candle in the middle of a rainstorm.

"Come in, I'll get you the number," she said, and a smile came across her face, subtle but it was there.

I didn't know who this woman was compared to the one I'd met in the convenient store just a week before.

She came back from the kitchen with a piece of paper, "This is the number for the hospital where Matt is, I hope. Please, just let me know if you talk to her, let me know if she's alright."

I nodded and turned around. I felt her hand on my shoulder.

I turned back and looked at her.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, looking down. She looked up and I saw the tears ready to spill, "I was just so –"

"It's okay, Mrs. Dawson. You don't have to say anything," I said as I gave her a small smile back and walked out the door.

And I realized that it wasn't a lie, she didn't have to say anything.

* * *

I got home, happy that Billy wasn't there. He hadn't been around for a couple of days. He was always over at the Clearwaters or with Charlie. We didn't have much to say to each other these days, and I was fine with that.

I dialed the number.

"Hi, South Coast Medical Center. This is Julie, how can I help you?"

"Hi… um, I was wondering if you knew anything about a Matthew Angeles."

"Is he a patient here?"

"Yes, the last I heard he was still in a coma. He's been in one for years and his condition has become less and less stable."

"Are you a family member of Matthew's?" she asked.

"Um… no – "

"I'm sorry, sir. I can't give out any information about our patients, we have a strict confidentiality agreement."

"No, yes I understand that. This doesn't really have to do with Matt it has to do with this girl… his girlfriend. She's been there for months, always by his side. She's tall, blonde– "

"Allison?" came Julie's voice, and the relief would've felt amazing if I wasn't cringing at the sound of pity that leaked out through that one word.

"Yes," I breathed.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Dawson, but she isn't here," the lady replied, in a mechanical voice.

She was lying. I knew she was lying.

"No, no, please – "

I heard voices beside her.

"This isn't Mr. Dawson. This is Jake. Jacob Black," I said, urgently. I knew she was there, I _knew _she was there.

"Jacob Black…" she said, I heard muffled voices and then silence.

They'd hung up. She didn't want to speak to me.

I took the phone away from my rear and put it towards the receiver when I heard a voice.

"Hello?"

I brought it back to my ear, "Hello?"

Silence and then,

"Jake," came her voice, full of warmth and relief.

"Allison," I said. I didn't know what to say or where to start and by the silence on the other end I knew she didn't either. I knew she wanted answers.

"I am so sorry, for everything," I said quickly, "I _never_ got any of your letters. Long story, but I didn't get any of them. I thought you stopped talking to me because it was easier. I'm so sorry, I would never do this to you, ever."

"Really?" she asked weakly.

That hurt. I would've preferred a "I knew you must not have gotten the letters" or something along those lines, but no. She'd truly believed that I'd abandoned her, that I _could _abandon her.

"Allison, I would never have done that to you. After everything you did."

"I miss you, Jake," she said, her words breaking, "I've missed you so much… I have no one to talk to," she said, cutting herself off. Composing herself, "Julie's the only nurse here who lets me stay, who talks to me."

"Allison, I'm sorry," I said, I didn't know what else to say.

"Please come get me," she said, gently.

"What?" I asked.

"There letting Matt go, they were waiting for me. I just can't anymore, I can't do this. Please, come get me."

Immediately I started thinking of the prices for the tickets, when I would leave, how I could get there the fastest, which airlines, which airports. Of course I'd go get her.

"I can't come back alone, I'll think too much, I just can't – "

"Allison, I'll bring you home. I'm coming to get you."

* * *

We'd hung up after I promised I'd get her. I just had to figure out when I could, when I could. If I'd go alone. I wanted Bella to go with me, but I just didn't know. I didn't know if I wanted her and Allison to meet, even though I knew it was inevitable. It was just weird having two of my most different lives crash into one another, like this.

On these terms.

I went home and thought. If I went to go get Allison, I'd have to find _her_. I'd have to go find my mom.

I had to see her. I needed answers. I needed to believe in something. I know that the answers could just make everything worse, but I needed to know.

I had a mother, out there.

With a vampire.

A vampire.

Edward had come back, he had come back for Bella. What would've happened if she'd seen him? If he came back again? Would she leave me, was she still in love with him?

I didn't look at the question because I already knew the answer.

And I wouldn't let that happen. I wouldn't let anything come between Bella and I. Billy might have let his only one go, but I sure as hell wasn't. I would fight until my heart stopped beating for her. I would not let her go.

I woke up the next day and went to pick up Bella. She had that determined look in her eyes as she ran over to my truck and I knew she was getting ready to ask me to do something, something that I didn't want to do.

She got in the truck and smiled, leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.

"Hi Jake," she said, smiling. A little too exuberantly.

I didn't say hi, I waited.

"So…" she said, slyly.

"What?" I asked.

She looked at me and put a big smile on, "Want to take me cliff-diving!"

I groaned. I knew I should've just gone with the story that whoever had been jumping off the cliff weeks ago _was _plummeting to their death, just so the idea wouldn't have instilled itself inside her breakable head.

"No, Bella."

"Jake! You said you would."

"I was hoping you'd forget," I muttered, knowing her human ears wouldn't pick up the words.

"Okay, fine. But not today," I said. Today I wanted to talk to her about everything, about the vampire… I had to bring it up subtely. I'd already told her everything about being a wolf, she knew it. I brought up Quil and Embry and the imprinting and how much they loved being wolves.

"What do they love so much about it?" she asked, curiously.

"The speed, probably. Or the strength."

"Speed? Faster than motorcycles?"

"There's no comparison," I said observing her, I knew what she was thinking, "I think you're one of the few that can appreciate that. We've caught vampires before," I said letting that one word slip out.

I knew I'd have to be blunt here, but I'm sure these months of time could let her endure it.

"So tell me something I don't know about vampires? How did you stand being around them? Didn't it creep you out?"

I needed every answer I could get, I needed to know how I could stand him, talk to him even if I had to. I had to be around him, if I was around my mother.

"No."

I thought for a second and decided to just go with it.

"Say, why'd your bloodsucker kill that James, anyway?" I asked. I knew that word would take a swipe at her but I needed answers and I couldn't get sentimental, or caring. I needed to keep up the bravado so she wouldn't ask questions. I'd decided.

I wasn't telling her about my mom.

"James was trying to kill me. Remember when I was in a hospital in Phoenix?"

This stopped me, my thoughts of my mother disappeared. What? The vampire had done that to her?

I sucked in breath, "He got that close?"

"He got very, very close," she said stroking the hand that I held, I looked down at the scar on her hand.

"What is this, the cold scar?" he asked.

"Yes, it's what you think it is. He bit me," she replied.

I felt myself shaking. I let go of her hand like it was on fire. What? He'd bit her, didn't that mean –

"Doesn't that mean you'd be…"

"No. Edward saved me, twice. He sucked the venom out," she said quietly.

I hadn't meant to brought him up specifically. I shouldn't have said anything. I was selfish. Shaking, she'd notice the car shaking any second.

"Careful Jake, easy. Calm down."

I tried to shake it off, shaking my head. Soon only my hands were shaking but I wasn't okay.

So I asked her about the other Cullens, if any of them had talents. Anything to get her mind off him, for me to get my mind off him.

I was only listening halfheartedly, I knew I should be paying attention so I could understand more about why my mother did this. But I couldn't get him out of my head, or Bella, lying on the floor bleeding to death…slowly turning. I looked over and saw that she had her arms around her chest.

Like she used to. Holding herself together. I started to panic. What the fuck had I been thinking? How could I bring this up to her?

I looked at her, "Why do you always do that?" I asked, bluntly. She looked down and seemed as surprised as I did that her arms were holding her stomach.

"It hurts to think about them…It's like I can't breathe… like I'm breaking into pieces," she said, slowly.

I felt horrible. I pulled over. What had I done?

"It's okay, Bella, it's okay. I won't bring it up again, I'm sorry." I said taking her into my chest, letting her feel my warmth. I smoothed her hair, over and over and felt her sink into me.

"We'll go cliff diving tomorrow, okay?" I said, trying to make her feel better.

She smiled, looking up at me, tears streaking her face. She leaned up and kissed me on the forehead.

* * *

In the middle of the night I was woken up by the pack. We had a new lead, the female vampire. She was around. It was 4:15am in the morning, but it didn't matter. We had to go.

We all left into the forest.

I forgot all about her.

I came home that morning around eleven, and found Billy sitting reading the newspaper for once. At home.

"Hi," I said timidly.

"How did it go?" he asked. Our conversations were safe when all they involved were safety and the pack.

"We lost her, but she's gone east. We should be okay for a bit," I said, exhausted, "I'm going to go to bed."

"Oh Jake, Bella came looking for you."

I head snapped back to him so fast I thought it would break, "What?"

Cliff-diving. I'd completely forgotten.

"Bella, came looking for you. I told you, you were out with the pack and you guys had a lead."

"Okay," I said calmly, "I'll just go pick her up at home."

"She said she'd meet you at the beach."

"What?" I snapped. Billy looked up at me, surprised, "I mean, nothing. That's fine. I got to go, bye."

Why had she gone to the beach? Would she jump without me? There's no way she'd survive the current. Had she looked at the weather, at the water? What was she thinking. No, I was jumping to conclusions, she wouldn't jump without me. She'd wait on the beach.

I ran faster than I ever had.

Because I knew her so well and I knew how stubborn she was. She _would _jump, given the chance, nothing would stop her. Not if her mind was set on it, even if I wasn't around.

I got to the beach and couldn't see her anywhere. She must have gone home. Thank God.

And then I heard the scream.

Her scream.

I looked up at the cliff to see her frail body falling through the air. Watched as she hit the water.

She didn't come up.


	31. skinny love

**skinny love (bon iver)**

**Sorry for the long wait. More will come. I hope you enjoy and please leave reviews, comments, suggestions, anything if you have anything to say. **

_Also, some people have made comments about my writing style and grammar and such. And I understand probably about 95% of the time it is not correct. I just want to let you know that I am an English Minor, so a lot of my time is devoted to perfecting grammar and punctuation. However, I love writing FanFics and I love being able to write it the way I feel it should be. I write how I think Jacob is feeling, I don't edit and rework things the way I do for my 10 page long essays. This is my escape from _that _world. Sorry if the language bothers you, I just hate the way very well written English can ruin the meaning behind each letter, syllable and word. _

**love  
xylia **

**

* * *

  
**

It's amazing what the body is capable of.

What can happen to it in an _instant_. The way it can heal or the way it can fall apart.

Mine was the latter. But it didn't just fall, it exploded.

I felt like my heart stopped. Not in the excited or upsetting way that you get all the time but as in my heart had literally stopped. That I had no heart. That it wasn't there anymore. I couldn't hear a beat and I wouldn't understand if I could because I couldn't feel it.

I couldn't feel anything.

Everything was black and white. All colour was gone. Everything was gone. There was no sound. I'm sure cars passed by, I'm sure birds were singing, I'm sure there was wind.

But there was only silence.

And the thing about silence is, it's too quiet. Silence means you're alone.

I didn't want to be alone, I never did. And for this instant when I watched as her frail, body fell into the darkness of an ocean, I automatically presumed the worst but I would not allow that word to creep into my head. I wouldn't let it be true. But all there was, was the white of the tide and the black of the water and no in between, no flesh or hair. I felt like I could never move again. And I felt like I would never ever be whole again.

The pain was silent, and that was what made it all the more excruciating. I didn't scream. I didn't shout. I didn't wave my hands in the air screaming for help, for something. I just stood, like a ghost.

* * *

And then she came up. And my body jolted. Electrocuted. I felt like every bone in my body was broken but still I was moving towards her. I didn't feel like I was in my body. I felt like I was watching over it. Watching it move.

There are no words for watching someone you love die.

Right before your eyes.

Because that's what I thought.

I thought Bella was dying…or worse.

I watched as I ran. It was instinct because there wasn't enough thought, feeling or anything in my mind to make my body move an inch. Something else took over. _She _took me over.

The water didn't phase my body. The current didn't even touch me. and although it shouldn't because of my temperature and my strength, I felt like anything could knock me over in this moment.

For someone so big and strong, I felt so weak.

And then I saw my mouth moving. I saw her name escaping my lips over and over and over again. But still there was no sound. Just my mouth moving. Like in a silent movie.

I felt like I was in a movie.

And then I saw a hand, reaching out from the water. A white one, almost blue from the cold.

And the sound came rushing back. And the waves were so loud now it hurt. So much sound I thought my ears would explode.

And then I reached out for her hand and as I took it and felt the squeeze back it all went silent again. I pulled her to me.

She was so tiny. So small. It was so wrong to see something to little and intricate swept up by something so cold and big.

Yet nothing felt so perfect than her body meshed into mine. I held her close as I went for shore.

* * *

A door. Three walls. My Desk. Parts for my car. Windows from my garage. Tools. Branches. Trees. Bushes. Concrete. Mailboxes. Anything I could get my hands on.

Were just a few of the things I broke after I had put Bella safely into my bed and watched her temperature rise until she was fine and warm and asleep. Just some things that got in my way when I came to the terms with how stupid she had been. Of how close I'd been to losing her. Of everything.

I came back after a couple of hours and found her still sleeping. Cheeks warm from the fire I'd made and the blankets I'd placed on her.

I sat there staring at her and watched as she began to move around back and forth more quickly. Dreaming. She looked upset, distraught.

I shook her awake and her eyes went open wide, and then she looked at me, slightly confused. Like she didn't recognize me for that split second, and then she did.

"Jake."

And the second I heard her voice. And knew she was alright, I felt the anger burning up in me again. Felt the anger and frustration and pain of what she had done. Did she have any idea what it would have done to Charlie? Did she even think about what it would have done to me?

I just stared at her, afraid to open my mouth for fear that the words would spill out and slap her in the face.

And then more recognition hit her face as she began to remember. Begin to remember what she had done and what had led her to be strapped up inside my bed like an insane person.

"Jake, I'm so sorry."

I just shook my head.

How could she does this?

How could she even think to do this?

I know, I _know _she didn't do it to cliff dive. I know she didn't do it for fun. I know what she didn't do it for, but I couldn't find an answer as to why she had done it. So I asked

"Why?"

The one syllable, three letter word seemed to do more than slap her. I saw her wince and flinch at the same time. I hadn't met to put so much into it but I knew it breathed every emotion I was feeling. Mostly the anger.

"Jake, I – "

But she stopped. Not for me. I had nothing to say. She just stopped and looked down.

I knew she knew why and I knew she wouldn't tell me.

I kept looking at her, intently. She shifted uncomfortably but I didn't care. I kept staring, but still she didn't say anything. I could almost hear the thousands of words running around on her head, playing around on her lips. But they didn't come out.

"Charlie's probably worried. I'm going to shower and when I come back, I don't want you to be here."

My voice was robotic. I had rid the emotion of it. I didn't want her to know how I felt.

"Jake – "

"And then I'm leaving. I don't know for how long, but there's something I have to do."

Then I saw her bottom lip begin to quiver. And I saw the tears come to her eyes. I watched as she came to terms with what she had done. I watched as she realized the consequences of almost taking herself out of my life, forever.

And I almost caved.

God I almost caved.

"Just go." I said.

She closed her eyes, tight. Like if she'd open them she'd be in her own bed and this would all have been a dream. Like none of this was real. But when she opened them, and I was still standing there, emotionless, the tears rolled down her face. And I watched as they made her eyes look gaunt, forgotten, lost. Like they once had been.

I hated myself, but I left and went to the washroom. Turned the shower on dead cold. And went in. I still didn't feel anything. The whole time knowing it was all giving her déjà vu. Of a time when someone else had left her.

I got out of the shower and went to my room. And although she had done exactly what I asked, for once, it didn't make me feel any better.

I looked at my empty bed.

And listened for a sound, any sound.

But all I heard was silence.

I was alone.

* * *


	32. your hand in mine

**I would like to apologize to everyone that has been reading s t a r l i g h t. for my unmentioned leave of absence. I am back and will continue writing this story that I have fallen in love with and have missed terribly. Sorry again.**

**Enjoy,**

**xylia xo**

//

**your hand in mine - explosions in the sky**

//

I woke up and for a couple seconds I was happy. Life's unfair like that. The only times you're truly free of everything in your life are those split seconds when you wake up in the morning, disoriented, still exhausted and unable to think clearly. Even though some may hate that state of confusion; I lived for it. Those seconds kept me alive. And then everything just came rushing back, sucking the life out of me, until I couldn't breathe. Bella. The cliff. Billy. The letters. Allison. Potentially having a mother. Everything.

It made you not want to get up. It made you want to stay in bed forever, maybe if you just lied down long enough everything would just fall back into place. Things would go back to normal. There's always that hope in the back of your mind, that maybe things could go back to the way they were… but there was always the reality that it would never fucking happen, because…well, life doesn't work like that.

So I got up. And I knew what I was going to do.

//

The airport was packed. Hectic. People walking every which way. Yelling, talking. Families, businessmen, stewardesses. Everyone was headed somewhere.

But I was just standing still. Frozen amidst the confusion. Waiting, waiting. She gave me the time she'd come for her flight. I'd flown in two hours ago. Waiting.

I was looking twice at every blonde that passed by but none of them were her. Too tiny, too big, too loud, too tall, too – just not her. Two hours in this mess, sweating. Praying she'd come. I was fresh out of money. I'd taken an emergency stash from Billy's night stand. He wouldn't be happy when he found out, but I really didn't care. I didn't have enough for me to go out and find her. I had no idea where the hospital was, or where Matt's parents lived, nothing.

I was praying, hoping she would come.

So I waited.

But it didn't matter. I deserved it. Every second I was left in this unknowing agony was justified. I'd abandoned her. I deserved this. Maybe I could redeem myself, feel better about myself and what I had done to her. It made me wince, every time I thought about it. That a friend had needed me and I was nowhere to be found.

I watched as a huge crowd came through the door.

Hopeful.

They all walked towards the belt that soon began to spin around with all their luggage.

I heard a large crowd and turned to see a giant sports team enter in matching red uniforms pile inside the airport. All red. Their pants, shirts, luggage, equipment bags. They were all confused at where they were going but finally they begin to slowly fade away to where they were supposed to be.

And beyond the mesh of red stood a tall blonde, her back to me.

She looked familiar, but things were different.

Her hair almost looked darker now, which tugged at my insides. She was in the sunniest state in America but it looked like she'd never been outside. Locked inside a blank hospital room.

And she was skinnier. A lot skinnier.

She'd always been petite, I'd never seen her in her glory days when she'd been an athlete but she'd still had muscle. Now there was none. She was just skin and bone, not in a scary unhealthy way. No one would really stop and stare at her. It would only be the people who'd known her that would notice her significant weight loss.

And even though so many parts of her were different I knew that it was her. The way she stood. And I knew exactly what was running threw her mind.

She was contemplating. She was thinking. She truly did not want to leave.

She didn't want to abandon or hurt anyone but she knew she was lost there, in California. And I knew if I didn't go to her that she may walk away and disappear into the flux of people and I'd never be able to find her again.

I ran out and stood behind her for a quick second before reaching out to her. The wind blew by and her scent was in my nose.

It truly hit me how much I missed her.

She turned slowly, while I was still in a daze, memories pouring in and out of my head.

"Jake."

I just looked at her. Her eyes were bloodshot and swollen, like she hadn't slept in years and her face was pale, almost blending into her blonde hair. But she smiled when she saw me, and it touched her eyes.

Although I never wanted to make comparisons between the two, she looked nothing like Bella had that one day on my doorstep.

Not even close.

And as Allison fell into me and I wrapped my arms around her I began to wonder if that was a good thing or not.

Allison had lost, literally the love of her life. A person she'd dated for years and who she watched die for his remaining.

Bella had dated Cullen for months.

And she had literally fallen to pieces.

Was Allison just better at handling things? It seemed a reasonable explanation but to the extent and difference between the two… it just didn't add up.

"You came," was all she whispered and immediately my thoughts all went back to Allison. The comfort of knowing she was safe in my arms, the comfort of knowing I was bringing her home. It felt right.

I kissed the top of her head and let go of the embrace and she just looked up at me, tears in her eyes. I gave a small smile, too many emotions and things were going on inside of me to just choose one and show it off.

"Yeah, I did," was all I said as we walked to the terminal, hand in hand.

//

Of course the flight was delayed.

I'd seen this happen in the movies, but apparently it actually happened.

So we sat and waited, and we sat and talked.

I told her everything.

"So he thought they were from your _mom_!" Allison exclaimed.

"Yeah, pretty much. Boy was he upset when he realized they weren't. I don't really know which he was more sad about… him keeping you from me…or my…mom if that's what you call her, trying to contact me."

Allison put her arm around me, "You know what we're gunna do?"

I looked at her, and saw her green eyes gleaming beneath the surrounded red. She was up to something.

"What, Ms. Allison, are we going to do?" I laughed.

She stood up, "We're going to sell these tickets and we're going to find her."

I looked at her, "Ha ha very funny."

"I'm serious, when else are you going to be stopping in California?"

"Allison, seriously. We're going home, I want you home."

"I've been gone this long, I'm sure I can survive a couple more days. Let's find her."

"I don't know anything about her!" I said, incredulously.

"So it'll be like an adventure! A mission!" she said laughing. God I'd missed her laugh.

"But my dad, Quil… Embry…I'll be gone…"

She sat back down next to me, "I know you're scared Jake. But I'm here for you; it's going to eat at you until you can't let it go. Trust me."

I looked down, knowing exactly why I didn't want to do it. I didn't want it to be real; I didn't want to know that it could happen, that it was possible. That one of…_them_ could take away one of our own. If it could happen to Billy, it could happen to me.

"Is there anyone you _really _need to rush home to?" she asked pointedly.

I thought about it and although that one person came to mind for a split second, I knew better.

"Nope, no one." I replied.

//

**b e l l a .**

I sat in my bed. Trying to go over everything in my mind.

I thought I'd seen him in the water, I swear I'd seen him, felt him. But there was nothing.

Jake bad been there. He was there. He was there.

And now he was gone.

It wasn't anything like the pain before, there was no whole this time, no wound.

It was just numb. Everything was just numb.

I couldn't feel anything, even when I tried.

In a way it felt worse.

Because I had expected it, I had known. If he could leave me, what stopped Jake? Stopped anyone?

I knew it was my fault this time, I knew what I'd done and how it had hurt Jake. It was my fault. Had I done it because I didn't think I deserved him? Or had I done it just to see how far I'd have to push him to make him leave? Hoping that nothing was too far, that he would stay with me forever.

Was it an accident?

I wanted to know why I had done it. I needed to know.

In the back corner of my mind, I _knew_ why I'd done it. I was just hoping another more plausible reason would come up, one that I could explain to Jake without watching his face fall apart along with everything else that made him Jake, my sun. I didn't want to lie to him, I couldn't, not after everything he'd done for me.

I'd done it for Him.

I took a deep breath as I thought about His name.

And just as I went to close my eyes and imagine Him for the first time and say his name on my lips, I felt something change in my room.

I shivered. Colder. It was colder…and something felt...wrong... unsafe.

I kept my eyes closed, terrified to open them up. Hoping I was just scaring myself, when deep down I knew I wasn't.

Then I felt my bed move.

Someone was on my bed. Someone was in my room.

I was frozen. I felt cold.

And the touch hit my arm. But I didn't jump, I knew it had been coming. It was ice cold.

Vampire.

My heart leapt, and I opened my eyes.

//

**j a k e**

Allison and I both lied sprawled on our motel beds. Looking up at the ceiling searching for something, an answer maybe.

"I'm telling you Allison, I don't know anything!" I shouted, knowing I was starting to get frustrated, "There were no pictures. I had nothing on my birth certificate… there were hidden diaries written by Billy pining for his love for whoever the hell she was!"

"It _had _to be on your birth certificate! And you had to have known her name, I mean she was your mom for four years!"

It was hard to explain how I felt. I didn't hate this women and I didn't love her and I didn't know her. But her blood was running through my veins, she was in me, irreversibly and forever.

"Billy never explained it to me when I was a kid and La Push is small enough that others told their kids never to mention or ask me questions to make me start to wonder about it. It just didn't happen. And once I was old enough to realize, hey! I don't have a mom? I could tell that there was something in Billy that he'd lost a long time ago, something missing… and I wasn't going to bring it up because I knew it had to deal with her. I just can't imagine…"

"I'm sorry, that was rude…"

"Don't worry about it."

"Do you know anyone who might have know something? Anything?"

I thought for a second and it hit me.

"I'll just ask the – " _pack_. I stopped. Allison didn't know anything. She'd left. I couldn't bring this up to her now, it wasn't the right time, "I'll just ask the boys back in La Push."

"Alright, you can rack up the change for that long distance call!" Allison said, knocking me in the ribs and smiling.

"Yeah, I'll go steal some kid's lunch money or something," I replied.

"Sounds like something you'd do," she said smiling, "Well you go make the call, I'm just going to take a shower."

"Alright," I said, as I waited for her to get in the bathroom. I listened as the shower turned on and knew what I was going to do.

We'd tested it before… at quite a distance. I didn't know if it would go this far but I knew it would be next to impossible to get everything out of them if we talked on the phone.

I'd have to make a different type of call.

I closed the motel door quietly after me and bolted down the hallway heading towards the exit. I looked around for some kind of shelter, forest, anything. All I could hear were cars, horns, sirens. In the middle of a stupid city. God it was loud.

So I started running until I found a road that looked like it was headed nowhere. I ran harder, trailing off more and more until a sort of dirty swamp area appeared. I couldn't wait another second, looking around one last time to make sure no one was watching I phased, diving right into the water.

It was silent. I couldn't hear any voices.

I waited, patiently.

Still nothing.

I thought this would work. I knew there'd be no way to get anything out of them unless I could hear their thoughts, Billy would've already gotten to them making them swear not to tell me anything. I was still a kid to him, always would be.

Then, there was something.

_Stop!_

It was a hiss, a whisper.

_No. No. No. No. No._

Embry.

_La. La. La. La._

Quil.

_I can feel him. We have to get out._

Sam.

_Please, don't. _I shouted.

_No. No._

_ La. La. La._

I was confused but I finally realized what they were doing. They were trying not to think about it, trying not to think about what they knew. Just repeating the same things over and over and over so I couldn't get past them into what was really there, hidden underneath.

_LA LA LA LA _

_Quil, you're giving me an EFFIN head ache. _I screamed.

_Jacob, we can't help you. We don't know anything. _Sam said defiantly.

_You're lying. I know you're lying._

Still just whispers, syllables over and over again.

_We're not lying_. Sam replied. _There's nothing to search for Jake, she's gone okay? She's not coming back._

How could they say that? When they _knew _she was still alive – still around, somewhere.

_TELL ME. _I roared.

_What is there to tell Jake? _I heard Embry's voice. _You're just opening up old wounds._

_She's still alive! How could it have ever closed!_

Silence.

_What? _Came Sam's voice.

I didn't reply.

_What did you just say? _He repeated.

_I said she's still alive. I'm sorry if you told Billy you wouldn't tell me anything but I need to find her. _

_She's alive? _Came Sam's confused voice.

So Billy wasn't the only parent that lied to their kids. I guess none of them knew the real reason why she'd left either. I didn't want them to know, I wanted this all to myself.

This meant they'd be no help to me. They wouldn't know anything. Where she was, what his name was… the uh, human's name…that she left with of course. Um, yeah. No whereabouts. They'd know nothing. They were useless.

_Wow, Jake. I didn't know_. Came Quil's voice. _I'm really sorry._

And then Sam's voice : _I can tell you her name. _

_//_

**Reviews, comments or suggestions are always appreciated. **


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